tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19941017301127010562012-02-01T08:34:28.749-06:00Straight talk on what makes relationships strong and what to do when they go wrong.Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.comBlogger731100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-5839421044273652722011-12-13T16:00:00.001-06:002011-12-13T16:00:08.914-06:00

I hope that you will take a moment to consider the best gift that you can give to your children…even if they are grown. That gift is a loving, caring relationship with your partner. Think of all the time you spend to provide your children with activities that will enrich their lives. These may include music lessons, sports, tutoring, trips to the zoo or museum. Yet, your children can still be

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-71035713127282091392011-11-09T20:38:00.001-06:002011-11-09T20:38:58.478-06:00

A canary was taken into mines to provide a warning of danger to the miners – if the canary died the miners were also in danger. What are the signs that your marriage is in danger? Divorce and the detachment that leads to divorce does not happen all at once. Instead, marriages die gradually. The typical couple will wait many years before seeking help. During this time, they ignore clear signals

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-44346891533356318912011-09-19T21:31:00.001-05:002011-09-19T21:31:42.982-05:00

Marriages need protection! Marriages have enemies that will undermine the fragile connection between husband and wife. You protect your home from unwanted intruders. Do you protect your marriage from harm or do you ignore dangers until the damage has been done? Most of your activities…even your friends can be divided into those who are friendly to your marriage, neutral, or unfriendly to your

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-63140971290712878332011-08-29T22:33:00.001-05:002011-08-29T22:33:22.666-05:00

We don’t like to be told who we are. Sometimes we define our partner aggressively – “You’re lazy.”, “You’re a bitch.”, or “You’re worthless.” Generally we are more subtle – “I don’t feel you love me”, “You’re not the man I married.”, or “You’d rather be with your girlfriends than me.” Regardless of how subtle or truthful the statement, we do not like to be told who we are. Labeling your

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-89969880858441942872011-08-16T23:40:00.001-05:002011-08-16T23:40:31.535-05:00

We really, really don’t like to be told what to do. Imagine your partner telling you to change your wardrobe in some small way – changing the color of your nails or not wearing that belt again. Admit it, even though it’s a small request, your reaction is to resist it. Come to think of it, we learn to say no before we learn to say yes! Resistance is even greater when we ask our partner to make

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-28491883397883706262011-07-31T23:47:00.002-05:002011-07-31T23:51:33.381-05:00

I’m amused when I ask couples if they date and they look at me and say, “You mean each other?” Of course I mean do they date each other, but the term dating throws them. Dating seems like something single couples do. Which leads me to the purpose of dating. Dating serves several purposes including: an opportunity for a mutually enjoyable time together an opportunity to make your partner feel

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-79497062112681329272011-07-12T13:16:00.001-05:002011-07-12T13:17:46.551-05:00

If I questioned everyone who is marrying today whether they feel emotionally, physically and sexually connected they would say, “Sure.” If I went further and asked them if they expected to remain connected over the next thirty years, the vast majority would say, “Yes!” These couples believe that their connection will last because they have found the love of their life, their soul mate, the

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-85257901860227228232011-06-28T09:07:00.002-05:002011-06-28T10:44:48.659-05:00

Our phones have become an essential part of our lives. For many, texting is a preferred way of communicating, much like instant messaging and emailing replaced telephone calls for delivering a message. Texting provides couples with an opportunity to connect much more frequently than when only phone calls were available. Texting is efficient and doesn’t  require each of you to be available at

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-3166642952921780342011-05-17T10:43:00.001-05:002011-05-17T12:56:58.984-05:00

When you complain to your partner you expect your partner to listen and respond. Yet typically this is not what happens. Why is it that your partner resists responding to your complaints? Here are three reasons why complaints are not heeded: First, complaints are often taken as criticism. The tone of voice is harsh and the focus of the criticism is one’s partner. Criticism automatically

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-7828781702722973932011-04-27T23:01:00.001-05:002011-04-27T23:01:36.549-05:00

Dr. William J. Doherty of the University of Minnesota recently presented a talk in which he described characteristics of what he described as an “incompetent couples therapist.” Here is his list with my comments. Failing to actively structure sessions. The couples therapist must be able to control the direction of the conversation. Couples are prone to defend themselves while attacking their

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-53203948627782717792011-03-23T22:42:00.001-05:002011-03-23T22:51:05.491-05:00

The couple is basking in the afterglow of lovemaking. Both have felt sexually and emotionally fulfilled. They discuss how this was a pleasant experience. Several days later the man feels sure that his partner will agree to have sex that evening. He wants to recreate the wonderful connection of just a few evenings before and approaches her with an offer for more lovemaking. However, he is

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-47269826132956971462011-03-20T21:18:00.001-05:002011-03-20T21:42:56.859-05:00

I enjoy Kim Leatherdale’s, LPC, ATR-BC, NCC  blog, Creating Rewarding Relationships In a recent post she lists some of the signs of a lack of commitment to couples counseling. I think this is an excellent list and hope you will also check out her signs of commitment to couples therapy. Not doing your "homework" between sessions Only thinking about and processing the issues while

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-12070238257907712212011-03-09T21:09:00.001-06:002011-03-09T21:09:37.954-06:00

I recall my father coming home from work each night with a frown on his face. Was he unhappy to be home? No, I believe that he was lost in thought as he parked his car in the carport. Yet, the frown made an impression on me. I chose to keep a distance until I learned that he was in a good mood. Now picture yourself entering your home after work. What message do you send?  Do you greet

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-90005731987844530822011-02-22T10:00:00.001-06:002011-02-22T10:00:55.859-06:00

Scientists have discovered that we are wired for empathy. Our brains can observe another’s experience – imagine a bug crawling on someone’s arm – as though it is are own experience. When you tell me you are grieving the loss of a loved one, my brain help’s me experience your loss even if I have not lost a loved one myself. I am able to imagine how it would feel to lose a loved one. So what does

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-52795646498383981812011-02-05T23:17:00.001-06:002011-02-05T23:17:50.522-06:00

How many times have you observed another couple and thought, “I wish I had her (or his) marriage.” From what you observe, it appears that the couple have the type of relationship you imagined you would have with your partner. But now that seems out of reach. Comparing your relationship to another’s is a sign of dissatisfaction in your relationship, but comparison shopping is only reinforces

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-78530863878801941902011-01-19T14:10:00.002-06:002011-01-19T23:08:40.246-06:00

Itsah Improbable, M.D. announced that he has successfully completed the first round of testing of a new drug that may help save marriages in the future. Dr. Improbable noted that the drug should be taken by both partners but has also been tested by administering it to just one partner. “We are getting results with one partner taking the drug, but the results are more robust when each partner is

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-3739277591330893532010-12-27T11:57:00.000-06:002010-12-27T11:57:09.676-06:00

Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world's leading questionnaire tool.

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-19382605917588213802010-11-20T10:27:00.002-06:002010-11-20T10:28:51.275-06:00

Thanksgiving is a time for, well, thankfulness. It is a time for reflection on those blessings we have in our lives. We probably need this holiday because our tendency is to be ungrateful and to take our blessings for granted. We are better at complaining than expressing gratitude.One of the biggest complaints that men and women share is feeling taken for granted in their relationship. Often both

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-67237903668434541202010-11-11T13:20:00.002-06:002010-11-11T13:28:27.670-06:00

Do you consider yourself to be sensitive? Are you sensitive to others? Do you want others to be sensitive to you?Those who are most sensitive  are often the ones who complain that their partner’s are insensitive. Why is this?Well you can attribute this to your partner’s sex – all men are insensitive. Or you can suggest that your partner has the insensitive gene, “she just not a sensitive person.”

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-15562390172054993022010-11-04T07:58:00.001-05:002010-11-04T07:58:25.456-05:00

If you are like me, you tire listening to political arguments well before voting day arrives. What makes the arguments so tiring is how the opponents must strive to make the argument about taking sides. We are actually wired to respond to such arguments. Before food became plentiful, it was important for groups to band together to cooperate in hunting food. The lone wolf would die from

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-9692190542647391692010-10-16T07:45:00.001-05:002010-10-16T07:45:57.094-05:00

You must have value to be valued. Do you expect your partner to value you? What messages do you receive from your mate that he or she sees you as a person of worth? I often hear partners complain that they do not feel that their partner listens to them. They describe this as a communication problem, “I told him what I needed but he just ignored my wishes.” The “communication” problem may be

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-61662149449716606562010-10-06T11:53:00.001-05:002010-10-06T11:53:12.426-05:00

Bosses are commonly criticized by their subordinates for only giving feedback when something is wrong. The workers want a fair evaluation of their strengths as well as the areas in need of improvement before things go terribly wrong. Are you and your partner guilty of doing the same thing in your marriage? Many couples don’t stop and evaluate their relationship until something is terribly

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-46463773887836962932010-09-21T08:08:00.001-05:002010-09-21T08:08:33.770-05:00

True or False? “Strong people have strong relationships.” On the surface this statement appears to be true. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your personal strength to be in a relationship.  Insecurities interfere with having a close relationship. But there are many times when individual strength conflicts with relationship strength. Imagine your partner has said or done something that is so

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-38510726809805874632010-08-29T16:46:00.001-05:002010-08-29T16:46:02.104-05:00

Psychologists and economists have set up experiments in which two folks are challenged to play a game in which they share money. If they compete for the money, one will win more than the other. If they cooperate, they will share equally in the rewards. The important issue is that when they compete, they lose money in the effort to win, but when they cooperate, they keep all of the money.

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-13697517846299348032010-08-08T23:09:00.001-05:002010-08-08T23:09:59.214-05:00

Many marriage counselors tell the couple that comes to them with marital problems that they each have issues that must be addressed individually in order for their relationship to improve. What does this mean? It may mean that one partner’s mood or personality is judged to be so disturbed that marriage counseling is unlikely to be an effective strategy for change. Or it may simply mean that

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-53368409685866985772010-06-29T20:50:00.001-05:002010-06-29T20:50:54.067-05:00

In my work as a marriage counselor, I find that I work harder to encourage couples to approach issues than I do to subdue arguments. Are you avoiding a tough conversation? Do you tell yourself that you don’t want to rock the boat? Does it feel scary to approach the issue? Yet, you find the issue keeps eating at you. It is as though there is a battle going on inside where one side wants to

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-89833497324445620012010-06-17T15:01:00.001-05:002010-06-17T15:01:52.527-05:00

  I’ve been thinking about guys that say they aren’t  attracted to their partners because their partner’s appearance has changed for the worse. I have always been uncomfortable with such a message, but why? Doesn’t such a statement reflect on the fact that men are more visual than women? Don’t women participate when they spend much time and energy on appearance? I think such a statement makes

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-24840088371950200912010-06-06T21:03:00.001-05:002010-06-06T21:03:37.703-05:00

How many times have you heard men complain that the  frequency and enthusiasm their partner exhibited for sex changed with marriage. Then, the women counter with how romance has drained from the relationship since marriage. If each is true, then the question is why would the relationship change simply by getting married. You might reason that romance and sex would improve with the security and

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-64529001358912653702010-05-09T23:19:00.000-05:002010-05-09T23:19:11.593-05:00

Image by purpleslog via FlickrAn experimenter tested the decision-making ability of two groups by measuring their ability to choose the best car to buy (for the experiment, one choice was better). The groups’ decision-making differed by the number of variables they had to take into account before making the decision. You would think that the group given more variables would make a better decision

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-64285134442084267222010-04-13T20:27:00.004-05:002010-04-13T21:41:10.648-05:00

When your partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain, it seems as though your world is in uproar. You can accept problems in the marriage because they can be addressed, but your partner's statement, "I'm not sure I want to be married" or "I'm not in love with you" is not as easily addressed.In my first post (6/8/08!), I outlined the elements of a commitment in marriage. Feelings can

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-88855750149126902982010-02-28T20:11:00.006-06:002010-02-28T22:18:16.369-06:00

"It doesn't make sense. How can a separation help our marriage." "How will you know if I have changed if we are not together?" "If we separate we might as well file for divorce." Separation can be frightening and many objections must be addressed before a couple is sufficiently comfortable in making this change.Couples typically choose a separation to help them reduce tension and improve their

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-52183830634275208822010-02-08T18:40:00.006-06:002010-02-08T18:50:32.461-06:00

In my marriage counseling practice, I see many couples whose marriage is in crisis following a variety of hurtful behaviors such as having an affair, gambling away savings, or striking out in an abusive manner. In my e-book, Deciding What You Want, I give some guidelines for deciding whether or not to reconcile the relationship following a marital crisis. This is a very personal and difficult

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-89716276685692527472009-11-24T20:09:00.006-06:002009-11-24T22:25:17.587-06:00

Marriage counseling is a process in which two committed partners meet with a therapist to improve their relationship. Prior to entering marital therapy, consider how you would like your relationship to improve. Answer this question, "If marriage counseling were successful, how would your relationship be different than it is now?"Look at your answer to this question and ask yourself, "Have I

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-72030621607436806942009-10-24T09:33:00.005-05:002009-10-24T12:32:48.072-05:00

A marital crisis occurs when one or both partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain. Here are five myths about a marriage crisis that may help you manage the crisis in your marriage.Myth 1: A marital crisis is a sign that our marriage is over.Questioning your commitment to your marriage is not a sign that a divorce is on the horizon. Rather, it is a time to determine whether there is

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-43150754558162783172009-10-10T09:02:00.006-05:002009-10-10T10:42:53.369-05:00

Here are five books that can help you sail through the rough seas of a marital crisis. Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lee Raffel M.S.W.Lee Raffel may not deliver on the answer to the question posed by the title of her book but she does offer a path toward this answer. The path is what she terms "a controlled separation." This is contrasted with an emotional separation by having clear goals and

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-45383058133309249722009-09-10T12:37:00.005-05:002009-09-10T13:51:26.102-05:00

Do you feel distant from your partner. You've done all you know to do to show interest, yet he or she seems distant. The problem may be that you show interest but have not challenged your partner to a more intimate relationship. Do you pursue closeness through asking to be heard rather than listening to your partner. If you become a better listener, then you may find the deeper connection you

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-25870914669892209462009-08-23T22:46:00.004-05:002009-08-23T22:54:04.774-05:00

Image by an0nym0n0us via FlickrOnce again, this time right here in Tennessee, a state representative admits to having an affair. While it is difficult enough to know your partner has been unfaithful, it’s made more difficult when the general public knows your struggle. It must seem as though everyone is peering over your shoulder in judgment as they wait to see what decision you will make.Women

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-25663429283736169612009-08-03T14:11:00.003-05:002009-08-03T14:40:53.831-05:00

A couple struggling for years in their marriage finally agree to enter marriage counseling. They go for a couple of sessions. The counseling helps them to express their displeasure with the relationship, but also brings them together to work on their relationship as they had not done in several years.Because they were working together and the tension was reduced, they decided to quit counseling -

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-2667763363152562312009-07-12T23:42:00.006-05:002009-07-12T23:55:21.868-05:00

As a marriage counselor, you would think that I would use the word love frequently in my work. “Do you love him? Is there still love in your heart? Can your love return?” I tend to avoid using this word. A recent blog post (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200803/loving-two-people-the-same-time) highlights why this is so. This blogger asked the question, can you love two

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-15107003021950919762009-07-05T19:13:00.002-05:002009-07-05T20:09:27.405-05:00

Image by Robert in Toronto via FlickrOne of the biggest barriers to communication is the need to defend one's self to one’s partner. It is important to feel accepted for who you are, but acceptance does not mean that your partner sees you as perfect. It is unrealistic to expect your partner to only see your good qualities and to ignore undesirable qualities.Instead of defending yourselves, try

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-61825611020568476172009-06-21T08:59:00.006-05:002009-06-21T14:54:22.121-05:00

Image by Mr Malique via FlickrMost couples to come to my office come with the expectation of having a forum to express their frustration and anger over their partner's behavior. They are initially surprised to find that I do not encourage them to argue during the session.I find that anger does not help a partner get what they want in their relationship and I want to help couples get what they

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-35888346301334091752009-06-18T11:48:00.002-05:002009-06-18T12:00:51.547-05:00

A recent article in USA Today highlights the importance of responding positively to your partner's good news. TYPES OF RESPONSESIn relationships that are the happiest, a partner reacts with excitement and esteem to his mate's positive news the "active-constructive" response. Three other types of responses are linked to less satisfying relationships and more likelihood of a split.Here are the

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-24657513424325305042009-06-14T11:44:00.002-05:002009-06-14T12:15:37.890-05:00

Alcohol is not necessarily an enemy of marriage. Many couples initially bond over drinks. Now the drinks don't establish the bond, the conversation that accompanies the drinks establishes the bond. Never-the-less, it is common for couples to view alcohol as an enjoyable part of their relationship.Alcohol can also be an enemy of a relationship. Couples frequently share stories of arguments that

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-42821528424386535212009-06-09T00:08:00.006-05:002009-06-09T00:27:07.839-05:00

Image by publik15 via FlickrWhen your partner accuses you of doing something wrong, it's natural to want to defend yourself, even if you know you are wrong. Why? You want to say that you are a good guy (or gal) and that you had a good reason for what you did. You want to say, "Even if I am wrong, I am a person of worth who does (mostly) good things. Do not condemn me."The problem with this stance

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-39031002614682142172009-05-28T21:45:00.007-05:002009-05-28T22:40:40.144-05:00

Some estimate that over 60% of marriages include sexual infidelity. While this is certainly bad news, the good news is that most men and women only cheat once. An important question is why do men and women cheat, but another important question is why do they cheat just once?I find that affairs often help both the offending partner and their spouse to gain greater appreciation for their marriage

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-70858112478674689842009-05-16T11:15:00.003-05:002009-05-16T11:59:47.884-05:00

Many partners describe their dissatisfaction with the marriage by describing, "We are not compatible". What does this mean and is it something that can change?Differences are inevitable between you and your partner. Chances are that you have different biological makeups, family backgrounds, experiences, and these lead to different viewpoints, desires, and reactions. Yet, you have managed to

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-39766106348897240842009-04-26T13:23:00.006-05:002009-08-02T18:46:23.315-05:00

Cover via AmazonI have recently read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I realize this book has been around for some years. I was motivated to read this book because it seems that more couples seek help through reading this book than any other.It is a simple truth that it important to give your partner love if you wish to receive love. This book helps couples to realize that what you value

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-76588598593875972242009-03-29T11:44:00.004-05:002009-03-29T12:47:26.662-05:00

I'm sure you have heard someone say, "Divorce is not an option for me; divorce is not in my vocabulary." This expression can mean different things to different people. To someone in a satisfying marriage, this expression can mean that he/she is committed to their marriage and willing to tackle whatever roadblocks to intimacy that may arise.But to someone in a marriage crisis the expression can

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-27352657654480213422009-03-08T13:53:00.004-05:002009-03-08T14:17:32.808-05:00

Check out the article by Mona Barbera, Ph.D Relationships: Tips to Help You Get through the Conflict in your Marriage.The crux of her article is that anger is a signal, neither something to be ignored or impulsively acted on. She says:"Get to know the good intentions of your anger or coldness.This is the hardest step and the easiest step. It’s the hardest step because: Your anger or coldness can

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-89277866455125658582009-03-03T11:08:00.004-06:002009-06-01T19:43:41.332-05:00

Lots of research shows that love is more effective at bringing us together than keeping us together. You may have heard the saying, “Love is easy; relationships are hard.” The truth is relationships are hard because love is easy. Strong feelings and sensations of any kind carry an illusion of certainty. With the exception of resentment, no emotional experience has more illusion of certainty than

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-28598014565683550482009-02-28T22:09:00.005-06:002009-03-01T00:35:12.784-06:00

Men are said to have difficulty expressing needs because it appears weak, while women expect men to be able to telepathically read their needs. These stereotypes exist because they have some basis in fact. Couples frequently fail to communicate needs, then become emotionally distanced.However, these stereotypes are also exaggerated. I always remind myself that every couple went through a dating

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-35460870389006457472009-02-14T16:16:00.006-06:002009-02-14T16:47:01.863-06:00

Image by Robert in Toronto via FlickrEveryone agrees that compromise is essential to a successful marriage. The essence of marriage is the ability to achieve closeness through blending two lives. Compromising your desires is essential if you are to be close.Cold compromise is a form of compromise that many couples use which does not promote intimacy, but actually leads to emotional distance. Cold

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-58849406476916715492009-02-08T04:42:00.004-06:002009-02-14T16:50:30.322-06:00

Image via WikipediaHow to End a Controlling or Manipulative RelationshipYou've finally recognized your partner as an individual who needs to control and manipulate you. After time and many promises, you realize nothing has really changed, and you realize it isn't likely to. Recognizing you will never be the captain of your own ship until you take your life back can be difficult, but you can do

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-29914420784391731762009-01-28T20:34:00.006-06:002009-01-28T21:36:30.751-06:00

You have certain rights in a relationship:The right to your viewpoint, although others may not share your viewpointThe right to your feelings being expressed, although you don't have the right to hold others responsible for your feelings.The right to your desires for the relationship, although you can't expect to have all of your desires met.An assertive individual exercises these rights in a

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-14913179446067398322009-01-18T10:19:00.003-06:002009-01-18T10:23:48.716-06:00

Image via WikipediaThis author suggests five attributes of a strong, desirable man. What do you think?http://www.epaperflip.com/aglaia/viewer.aspx?docid=e3e2aa8d7a6d410bbafd0fb2d02f074d&page=40

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-46454664443741576742009-01-11T12:29:00.008-06:002009-01-11T16:06:34.182-06:00

This question often centers on questions like:Can I forgive this hurt?Can we learn to communicate?Does he/she really love me?Will my partner quit abusing alcohol/porn/me?While such questions are important, they can rarely be answered with certainty. Verbal promises sure don't ensure that change will occur. Neither personal counseling, marital counseling, rehab, or religious conversion ensures

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-27867195451566274422009-01-03T08:58:00.003-06:002009-01-11T16:11:43.433-06:00

Check out how important pet marriage has become - http://www.eventective.com/blog/weddings/2008/07/07/getting-married-doggy-style/Does this signal a return to the importance of people marriage? PR: wait... I: wait... L: wait... LD: wait... I: wait...wait... C: wait... SD: wait...

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-23630048113289389132009-01-01T17:20:00.003-06:002009-01-01T19:17:30.704-06:00

Image via Wikipedia New Year's Day is one of my favorite holidays. Why? Well I guess it reflects both my personality and my profession. A new year brings the possiblity of change. Just as the beginning of a sports season brings optimism for success, even for the Pittsburg Pirates, beginning a new year gives me optimism that I can make changes in my life.I use the begining of the year as a time to

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-24644865260862501552008-12-14T20:29:00.007-06:002008-12-26T14:13:23.865-06:00

When you or your partner question you commitment to your marriage, you feel as though your situation is abnormal. You feel ashamed or guilty for you or your partner's uncertain commitment to the marriage. Yet a crisis in a marriage is actually more common than you may think.Often my clients find that when they open up to others about their marriage crisis, that other family members and friends

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-71079626901704304632008-11-17T23:18:00.003-06:002008-11-17T23:37:34.852-06:00

Image via Wikipedia · If your partner is obese, you are more likely to be obese.· If your partner does not quit smoking, then you are less likely to be successful in quitting.· If your partner has heart disease, then you are more at risk for heart disease.So if you want to kill your spouse, the best route short of prison, appears to be to take on an unhealthy lifestyle. Your unhealthy lifestyle

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-27340496134159426702008-10-24T22:12:00.004-05:002008-10-24T22:21:51.528-05:00

“If I was sexier, slimmer, smarter, wealthier, etc., etc. my partner would remain devoted to me forever.” This sounds unreasonable, yet this is the reasoning many adopt when their partner’s commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain. Why do folks tend to examine their faults and assume unnecessary blame when their partner distances?At times the distance you experience in your marriage is a

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-4009053884401623672008-10-03T12:23:00.017-05:002008-10-03T12:53:40.594-05:00

What one thing can you do to save your marriage when you fear losing your partner? This question reflects on your fear and the desperate desire to turn your distancing partner around. After you have recovered from the shock of hearing, “I’m not sure I love you anymore” you are likely to start to grasp for anything that will end the crisis. Just as a family member may turn to God to bargain for

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-49258453469834817052008-09-21T22:13:00.006-05:002008-11-17T23:39:18.908-06:00

Remember "Step on a crack and break your mother's back."? This childhood game represented the magical thinking of a child. A child exaggerates their impact on the world, in this case his or her mother's health.During a marital crisis, you can also be susceptible to magical thinking. In this case, the magical thinking is driven by a desperate desire to end the pain of the crisis in your

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-75428625114627084962008-09-12T07:12:00.005-05:002008-09-21T23:41:03.463-05:00

The Oprah Show featured an author discussing his findings on why men cheat. The most important finding is that men typically choose to cheat for emotional rather than sexual needs. They don't seek out a hot, younger woman, but rather "fall into" an emotional affair that becomes sexual.The affair begins by meeting the man's need for admiration, someone who looks up to him and shows interest. They

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-37680586278222148432008-09-07T22:00:00.004-05:002008-11-17T23:41:25.013-06:00

Learning that your marriage could end is overwhelming. When your body is seriously injured , it can go into shock in order to preserve your vital organs. Psychological shock serves a similar purpose. Your ability to process information becomes muted. You feel as though you are on automatic pilot; it is a struggle to do the basic tasks of life.Psychological shock helps you to absorb reality slowly

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-85812140131097648772008-08-17T11:16:00.004-05:002008-09-21T23:23:14.869-05:00

One couple explain to their marriage counselor that they are having difficulty connecting; they feel distant, like roomates. They each state their displeasure with their marriage. They have thought about divorce, but would like to work to restore the relationship they once both enjoyed.Another couple has similar complaints. They agree that their relationship is mutually dissatisfying, that they

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-3821970607740940492008-08-05T21:21:00.005-05:002008-09-21T23:19:56.387-05:00

A marriage crisis occurs when one or both partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain. A marriage crisis is different from marital problems, which confront two committed partners. With With one partner's commitment uncertain, the path to restoring the relationship is quite different than anything you'll find in most "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" type books. Responding as though your

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-20572608608350152852008-07-24T09:36:00.006-05:002008-09-21T23:18:27.801-05:00

I was recently asked by a woman the best way to get her husband to communicate. This is important since couples must communicate in order to meet each other's needs. Also, such sharing can lead to intimacy or closeness, which in turn increases caring. Caring is the only motivation we have for placing someone else's needs above our own.This woman indicated she had pursued her husband's

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-34859079316895018682008-07-13T08:49:00.006-05:002008-09-21T23:16:03.343-05:00

Sally had gone through the same scenario many times. Bill would say he was going to play golf or go hunting on Saturday, and Sally would feel hurt that he did not want to spend time with her. But her response would be to simply say, "Fine," then go off in a huff of anger.Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. recently wrote a piece that I enjoyed on anger (http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-56048458885929611262008-07-07T09:35:00.001-05:002008-07-07T09:52:00.427-05:00

Allowing others to use guilt can result in your losing the ability to get what you want in relationships - it gives others power to define the relationship the way they want. Guilt can be expressed through:1. "The Freeze" or "Silent Treatment"Creating emotional tension to have one’s way in a relationship.2. "Good Guy vs. Bad Guy" The controller interprets his or her motives positively and

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-58841634179261026502008-06-27T10:17:00.003-05:002008-08-05T21:18:41.344-05:00

Jane wants Paul to shampoo the carpets. She knows it is a tough job and that he has procrastinated. She decides to do several nice things for him to motivate him to clean the carpeting. She makes him his favorite pie, she suggests he relax and watch Thursday night football and she is more affectionate and loving in general. Paul recognizes that he is receiving more that his usual share of “

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-71800224625574865862008-06-17T21:53:00.003-05:002008-06-17T22:57:58.386-05:00

Remember when you were dating your partner and you let your partner know how much you valued the relationship and that you wanted a future together? Why does this so often change after marriage? After committing to marriage, you "have" your partner but you must still negotiate what type of marriage you are going to have. This does not mean a general discussion regarding your values. Rather, you

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1994101730112701056.post-13538723396858738812008-06-08T19:20:00.019-05:002009-07-12T23:40:39.740-05:00

Many blogs set out to offer random thoughts about a variety of subjects. The mission of this blog is to offer information on relationships that can aid you in negotiating (I know this isn't a very romantic term) a mutually satisfying relationship. Also, I want to help you understand that relationships can survive periods when you or your partner becomes dissatisfied and uncertain of your

Lee Horton, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06967320301359121344noreply@blogger.com0