Defending Yourself or the Relationship

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One of the biggest barriers to communication is the need to defend one's self to one’s partner. It is important to feel accepted for who you are, but acceptance does not mean that your partner sees you as perfect. It is unrealistic to expect your partner to only see your good qualities and to ignore undesirable qualities.

Instead of defending yourselves, try listening to your partner’s feedback. Listening does not imply agreeing with your partner’s viewpoint, only attending to your partner's viewpoint and feelings. The best you can do by defending yourself is to say, "I'm a good fellow/gal." On the other hand, listening provides you with the opportunity of growing closer to your partner. You can defend yourself or your relationship. I'm sure you know a divorced couple who are each quick to defend themselves despite their marriage's failure.

After you have listened to your partner’s point of view, then he or she will be better able to listen to your point of view. You will determine that being right or wrong is not the issue. Instead, you will find you have different viewpoints that each need to be respected.

You may find this to be more difficult because every criticism feels like an attack on your personal worth. Ask yourself whether your sensitivity indicates low self-esteem. Low self-esteem suggests that you are responding to messages you received in the past, probably from your parents. Children who are frequently criticized can end up being defensive spouses who create distance from their partner by constantly defending themselves. Individual or couples therapy can help you to address these deeper issues.

Why Are You Angry?

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Most couples to come to my office come with the expectation of having a forum to express their frustration and anger over their partner's behavior. They are initially surprised to find that I do not encourage them to argue during the session.

I find that anger does not help a partner get what they want in their relationship and I want to help couples get what they want. I realized that anger can motivate your partner to give you what you want but more often anger pushes your partner away.

Anger often hides more vulnerable emotions. Hurt and fear are often hidden beneath your anger. You feel stronger when you're angry, but this is a false strength. In fact, you are stronger when you are able to get what you want in a relationship.

The first step in managing anger is to identify your true feelings. When you feel angry, take a moment to reflect on your feelings. Try to get in touch with your underlying feelings. Do you feel defensive? Do you want to fight back or escape? Are you feeling attacked? Do you trust your partner? Do you believe that he or she will respond to your feelings?

By being more transparent with your underlying feelings you will invite intimacy. Anger discourages intimacy. Set a goal to be less angry and more transparent with your underlying feelings.

Responding to Good News

A recent article in USA Today highlights the importance of responding positively to your partner's good news.

TYPES OF RESPONSES

In relationships that are the happiest, a partner reacts with excitement and esteem to his mate's positive news the "active-constructive" response. Three other types of responses are linked to less satisfying relationships and more likelihood of a split.

Here are the four responses to news of a promotion at work:

� Active-constructive: "That's great! You'll do very well, and I'm so proud of you."

� Passive-constructive: "That's good news."

� Active-destructive: "That sounds like a lot of responsibility. You will probably have to work even longer hours now."

� Passive-destructive: "Well, wait until you hear what happened to me today."

Source: Shelly Gable, psychologist at the University of California-Santa Barbara

Marriage and Alcohol Abuse

Alcohol is not necessarily an enemy of marriage. Many couples initially bond over drinks. Now the drinks don't establish the bond, the conversation that accompanies the drinks establishes the bond. Never-the-less, it is common for couples to view alcohol as an enjoyable part of their relationship.

Alcohol can also be an enemy of a relationship. Couples frequently share stories of arguments that become hurtful and even abusive. Interestingly, the couple share the story without acknowledging that alcohol was potentially influencing the outcome of the argument. I often have to ask the couple if they had been drinking before they consider this as a factor.

Notice that I am not talking about alcoholism. Just one or two drinks can influence how a couple interact. Alcohol can lead you to be more carefree and playful or more aggressive. Take a look at your relationship and how alcohol affects your interaction. You may find that a few drinks makes your relationship more enjoyable but more than that creates tension or aggression.

You may be interested in examining your use of alcohol. Drink Too Much? is a good site to help you evaluate whether you...well...drink too much.

Stop Defending Yourself and Start Defending Your Marriage

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When your partner accuses you of doing something wrong, it's natural to want to defend yourself, even if you know you are wrong. Why? You want to say that you are a good guy (or gal) and that you had a good reason for what you did. You want to say, "Even if I am wrong, I am a person of worth who does (mostly) good things. Do not condemn me."

The problem with this stance is that the focus is on the wrong issue. Typically your partner is trying to tell you that he or she has been hurt and that he or she feels distanced from you. By defending your self-worth you miss the opportunity to soothe your partner's pain and give a clear message that you want to be close.

I regularly encourage couples to defend the relationship, not themselves. Yet, when they focus on listening to their partner's viewpoint and feelings a funny thing happens - they find they are able to hook their partner's caring. When the discussion centers on caring, then condemnation fades away.

Why Men Stop Cheating

Some estimate that over 60% of marriages include sexual infidelity. While this is certainly bad news, the good news is that most men and women only cheat once. An important question is why do men and women cheat, but another important question is why do they cheat just once?

I find that affairs often help both the offending partner and their spouse to gain greater appreciation for their marriage and lead both to value the relationship more. As the relationship gains value, regret for the affair increases which makes a repeated affair less likely.

If your partner has an affair, you want to know that it will not happen again. Unfortunately, there is no way your partner can do more than verbally assure you that it will not happen again. Instead of asking this question, answer these questions:

1. Does my partner demonstrate appreciation for the pain caused by the affair?
2. Does my partner try to understand the reason for the affair and make an effort to strengthen his or her future decision making?
3. Have we been able to emotionally connect in a way that suggests we can have a better connection than in the past?
4. Have we each identified ways to show our partner that he or she is valued?
5. Do I feel valued?

If you see these changes, then it is reasonable to believe that your marriage can become a stable, loving relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Marriage Compatibility

Many partners describe their dissatisfaction with the marriage by describing, "We are not compatible". What does this mean and is it something that can change?

Differences are inevitable between you and your partner. Chances are that you have different biological makeups, family backgrounds, experiences, and these lead to different viewpoints, desires, and reactions. Yet, you have managed to overcome these differences in the past. When you met, you brought all of these differences to the relationship, but you managed to transcend these differences and create a relationship that was mutually satisfying. So what is different now?

When the relationship began, you made an effort to communicate the importance of the relationship by giving your partner the message, "You are important to me and I want a future with you." Now what message are you sending your partner? Many find that they are sending the message, "How much of me must I give up in order to be with you?"

As the relationship becomes more secure, a funny thing happens - you begin to negotiate for what you have to do to maintain the relationship. It is common for couples to almost entirely quit giving a message that the relationship is important and that they want a future. Perhaps the message is only given as part of your anniversary.

Instead, each partner bargains for his or her own selfish desires. The golfer bargains for as much time as possible to play golf. The spender bargains for as much money as possible. The list can become long and the negotiations quite heated and complicated.

Take a look at your relationship. Are you and your partner sending a message that the relationship is important and you want a future with your partner? Couples that consistently share this message find that their personal desires become more flexible. The pleasure of the relationship competes with selfish pleasures (note: selfish pleasures are not wrong and should be present to some degree) and compromise is based on mutual caring.