Marriage/Couples Counseling–The First Session

I’m often asked what to expect in the first session I have with a couple. While this is a time for me to understand each partner’s view of their difficulties, I also want to find out if each is committed (here is a link to what I mean by commitment) to their relationship. 

Couples typically share their pain and disappointment with how their relationship changed from mutual attraction and caring to coldness and detachment. Often they will offer examples of how ugly the relationship can be. It’s difficult to hear these stories which demonstrate how harmful conflict can be.

I can control the session from becoming a mutual blaming contest by having each partner offer their view of the relationship. I have each say what they experienced rather than what their partner did to them. I help couples to understand that they are describing symptoms of a flawed relationship not flawed partners. 

Emotional distance is normal when you are hurt or disappointed, yet for your relationship to survive, you must believe you can recover the connection you once enjoyed. One goal of the initial interview is to plant a seed of hope that relationships can improve.

I also use the first session to educate couples about how healthy relationships work. Everyone missed that course in school!  Couples’ suggestions for how their relationship could improve typically involve suggestions for their partner, which are countered by their partner’s suggestions for them.

Instead of allowing the blame game to proceed, I help couples to see how they once attracted their partner, but have created distance through conflict. When they first fell in love, each partner made a great effort to assure their lover that it was safe to care because he or she could be sure that caring would be returned.

Now conflict has created a relationship that does not feel safe. The goal must be to regain the safety you once knew. This begins by interacting differently.

I will may have couples practice talking to each other in a way that invites caring rather than each arguing for their point of view. This means speaking to each other in a vulnerable tone of voice while sending the message of what he or she needs from the relationship. It is very difficult to express a vulnerable message in the first session but can completely change the tone of the relationship.

I will end the session with a challenge. I ask couples to spend the rest of the week communicating their willingness to contribute to an improved relationship. I suggest they find small ways to communicate a willingness to change, even if their partner does not observe this change. This keeps the focus on each taking personal responsibility for the relationship rather than sitting back and waiting for their partner to change.

I hope this offers you a glimpse for what an initial session with me can be. Each session can vary from couple to couple, but in every case I want to focus on how the relationship can improve through an improved connection that requires a mutual commitment to change.

Valentine’s Day Is About Love, the Rest of the Year Is About Caring

Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to express your love for your partner. When you say “I’m in love” you are describing how you feel, but not what you do with that feeling.

Giving cards, chocolates and flowers express that you feel love and that is what this day is about. However, your relationship needs more. Connection is maintained throughout the year through knowing that your partner cares.

Caring is more difficult than feeling love. We don’t think of being in love as work; it’s more like sliding downhill. Caring is work, much more like climbing up that proverbial hill.

Caring behaviors are often those behaviors you would not normally want to perform but do because you want to be close to your partner. When you are first falling in love, spending time together is effortless. It doesn’t matter what you are doing, you just enjoy time together.

As you become a committed couple, how you spend time together and how much time you spend together becomes something that is negotiated. Activities now require more of a sacrifice and effort. This is natural. You now are being challenged to be caring…instead of falling (in love) you’re climbing.

Love is feeling based, whereas caring is action based. Love is not a substitute for caring. But caring will produce love. Challenge yourself to consider how you can be a more caring partner and how you want your partner to express caring for you. Then practice this daily till next Valentine’s Day. Your love will have deepened and that loving card will have more meaning!

A Time For Rage Toward Your Partner?

I’m a fan of Harriet Lerner’s books and her blog, The Dance Of Connection. Recently, she blogged that there are rare times when anger can be useful. She reasons that “a raw expression of hurt and rage, will break through the other person’s defenses and get through” (to your partner). Admittedly, she suggests this is a rare exception to the general rule that anger is not a useful expression in an intimate relationship.

Still, I have a problem with her reasoning. Couples must make every effort to not excite that part of the brain that we share with the animal kingdom. This primitive brain only knows self-protection through fight or flight and knows nothing of relationship. Someone fighting or fleeing is not connecting with another person.

When you’re hurt you feel diminished and want to stand strong and say, “I will not allow you to hurt me.”  It feels strong to lash out in anger; your adrenaline is pumping into your bloodstream and you’re prepared to make a stand – “I’m not going to accept this.”

Coaches try to motivate players’ anger so they will enter the game ready to “fight.” But these players do not have to be concerned about maintaining intimacy with their opponents. Couples must learn to handle pain in a way that also preserves the connection.

A much stronger response that preserves connection is to share your pain in a vulnerable tone. Express your pain and expect your partner to respond in a soothing manner. If this doesn’t happen, then back away from your partner by becoming emotionally, physically and/or sexually distant (typically you will withdraw by degrees, but sometimes all at once).

When your partner is deprived of the connection, then he or she will be in a position to pursue you to restore the “goodies” that come with connection. Now you have the leverage to ask your partner to address your pain and to reassure you that the relationship is safe from further pain – at least that type of pain.

It is certainly easier to simply go off on your partner in a fit of rage, the question is whether it will be helpful. Reach higher (in the brain) and seek a path that maintains connection.

The Effects of Divorce on Men

The tendency is to think about the effects of divorce on children, but it may be as important to consider the effects of divorce on men and women, particularly men. The image of the divorced man is one of the carefree, self-centered individual set loose in a world of fun and frivolity.

The reality of life for the divorced man appears to be quite different. The suicide rate for divorced men is four times as high as married counterparts. They are ten times more likely to be hospitalized for psychiatric help. They are twice as likely to die prematurely due to cardiovascular disease, hypertension and stroke.

Does this appear happy and healthy to you? I think not, yet men are often more resistant to doing the work necessary to maintain their marriage (not that women are workhorses in this area either). I think there are many reasons for this; here are a few:

Men lack confidence in relationships. Women begin practicing relationship skills when their brains develop the ability to assume another’s point of view, say in her preteens. At that age boys practice sports and videogames. So when guys start trying to connect with girls in their teens they mostly feel incompetent and the girls often let them know they are right. Men lack confidence in their ability to offer the woman an emotional connection, so they focus on wanting to please or avoid criticism, much like a child to a parent.

Men avoid being vulnerable. The best way for a man to connect with a woman is by sharing vulnerable feelings, yet boys are taught that vulnerability is a sign of weakness. If their fathers didn’t teach this lesson, then other boys in school made it clear that the vulnerable boy is the one who will get his ass kicked, much like the animal world devouring the weak.

Men think in terms of avoiding shame, not connecting with their partner. Women complain, cry and criticize in order for their partner to recognize the tear in the fabric of the relationship…they feel a disconnect and are trying desperately to express the pain of this disconnect. The man only hears that he has fallen short in her eyes, that once again he does not measure up to her expectations. This leads to withdrawal or a counterattack – can you say downward spiral in connection?

Men avoid pain, particularly women’s pain that they have caused. Men are uncomfortable around pain. Children sense this and run to women with their pain. Men even deny their own pain when around other men (but can be babies with a woman).

But men are most uncomfortable when they must sit beside their partner’s pain when they have caused the pain. Women want to be reassured that her partner understands her pain and is willing to be soothing, while men back away from the pain by trying to superficially fix it or by minimizing her feelings…a leading reason women want to exterminate men from the earth.

Women must understand that it takes much more courage for the man to deal with relationship issues than she believes. She must understand that her experiences with other family and friends who are female are not a standard to be applied to her partner. Women must make as much effort to understand men as they want their partner to understand them.

Men must recognize that relationship failure is the norm. It is ok to fall short but those failures must be addressed, including the painful feelings. Men must have the courage to develop skills to connect to their partner. When it comes to relationships, men have to learn to ask for directions. I spend much time coaching couples to practice skills of connection because I know the reward is a healthier life that not only can prevent deep unhappiness, but may keep you out of the grave.

Distant Men, Frustrated Women

Women often view men as being insensitive and for good reason. But one way that men are sensitive is to criticism. Women are typically able to understand feedback designed to improve the relationship versus criticism of the woman herself.

Men have great difficulty distinguishing between personal criticism (you are falling short as a man) versus relationship feedback (you aren’t giving me enough attention). Both forms of feedback tend to trigger an inner voice that says, “You are falling short; you’re a loser in her eyes.”

When men experience shame they typically react by withdrawing or lashing out defensively. Each response serves to create a barrier to further shame. This protection comes at a price for the relationship as their partner feels rejection just as she was attempting to suggest a repair for the relationship.

Men who have received much shame as a child grow up with a protective barrier which easily goes up at the smallest sign of disapproval. Even normal withdrawal of attention or affection can lead the man to feel he is falling short and worthy of shame. Instead of asking for feedback and reassurance of the connection, he is more likely to withdraw or lash out in anger.

So how do you give feedback to a man who is hypersensitive to rejection? Many women allow resentment to build within rather than risk their partner’s defensive anger/withdrawal. A better approach is to offer feedback based on describing your own views, feelings and desires rather than talking about your partner’s behavior.

For instance, you can say, “I have felt disconnected for the past week; I would like to spend time with you so that we can reconnect” rather than “I feel ignored when you spend so much time at work.”

Now understand that either approach can trigger a defensive response but the first approach is challenging him to address your views and feelings not his behavior. If you are met with a defensive response, avoid becoming aggressive. Instead, show your vulnerability (i.e. being sad rather than mad)  but be firm in asking for him to appreciate your views, feelings and desires.

Searching for Blame or a Solution to Marital Problems

A sure way to create distance in a relationship is to participate in the blame game. This “game” requires you to hold your partner responsible for something dissatisfying in your relationship. Perhaps it is something he or she said, did or failed to do and often is packaged as criticism.

This negative feedback triggers your partner to become defensive. This leads to endless hours of arguing with the only outcome being that you and your partner feel more distant. How do you avoid playing the blame game while still asking your partner to address an issue of concern?

The blame game begins by you making a statement about your partner. We are wired to be sensitive to criticism. Men in particular see any negative statement made as criticism versus an effort to address the relationship. So how can you address your partner without triggering defensiveness?

Talk about yourself, not your partner. The best method is to challenge your partner to care about you rather than focus on defending themselves. Express your view, feelings and desires. Let your partner know how his or her behavior appears to you and how you feel. Here are some examples:

• When you didn’t call, I felt hurt and uncared for.
• I enjoy your helping me with the dishes and feel used when you walk away from the table without helping…or more simply, I need your help with the dishes after dinner.
• When you are reluctant to have sex, I feel pushed away and hurt.

Notice that the message is about you, not your partner. This challenges your partner to care rather than defend his or her behavior. Try personalizing your complaints and requests for change, you may find that it results in fewer arguments!

Good Marriage or Bad?

In the book, Talent Is Overrated, Geoff Colvin suggests that we are not born with talent. Instead, he sights evidence that talent is born of practice. He points out that people who are good at something have practiced specific skills over many weeks, months, and years to achieve their exceptional level of ability.

Someone exceptionally good in sports, business or music is labeled gifted, their skill attributed to an inborn gift that the average person does not have. Colvin points to research that indicates that the best predictor of someone being talented in their field is the individual’s willingness to practice particularly when practicing is difficult.

How do you assess the basis for good marriages? Do you attribute a good marriage to a fortunate choice of partners or to a willingness to practice skills which contribute to intimacy? Most couples think of relationships as stagnant, meaning that they are what they are – either good or bad. Few think in terms of relationship building and the need to build relationship skills. In fact, a popular belief is that relationships should not be difficult and if they are difficult then there is something wrong with the relationship.

Marriage counselors understand that relationships require skills to connect, skills that are not taught in schools and often not demonstrated by parents. Most marriage counseling is sought years after the marriage has become dysfunctional. This is because marriage counselors are thought of as treatment for abnormal marriages that have failed where most have succeeded. It is difficult to admit that you have failed to have a normal marriage.

In fact, the percentage of couples who divorce added to the number that remain married but disconnected suggest that the norm is disconnection. Even though everyone getting married today expects to remain emotionally, physically and sexually connected for years to come, the reality is that most will disconnect. It is the exceptional couple who are able to maintain a connection!

Instead of thinking of marriage counseling as treatment for a troubled marriage, consider it as relationship coaching. A coach helps the athlete achieve maximum performance through practice. Similarly, a marriage counselor can help a relationship achieve maximum intimacy through learning and practicing relationship skills.