Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is a time for, well, thankfulness. It is a time for reflection on those blessings we have in our lives. We probably need this holiday because our tendency is to be ungrateful and to take our blessings for granted. We are better at complaining than expressing gratitude.

One of the biggest complaints that men and women share is feeling taken for granted in their relationship. Often both parties in a marriage feel this way! “I don’t feel important to my partner. I don’t feel he/she values me.”

Expressing gratitude isn’t casually expressing love, having sex, going to the movies, or taking out the garbage. Gratitude includes all of these but also includes the message, “You make a difference in my life.”

Try this exercise. Find a time to sit quietly without distractions (I know this is more easily said than done). Sit for a couple minutes and allow a feeling of relaxation to come over you.

After you feel relaxed, let yourself fantasize the loss of your partner in your life. The important part of the exercise is to follow yourself through your day, your week, and the year without your partner. The more you can focus on specific scenes in which your partner is missing, the better this exercise will serve you.

Now notice your tension level. For folks in harmful relationships, the exercise can be a pleasant fantasy, but those in healthy, satisfying relationships will notice increased tension. This is a normal reaction to loss - even imagined loss.

Now you are prepared to let your partner know how he or she enriches your life. Don’t wait until your anniversary to deliver this message in a card. Tell your partner what he or she means in your life. Do it today!

Don’t Touch, I’m Sensitive

Do you consider yourself to be sensitive? Are you sensitive to others? Do you want others to be sensitive to you?

Those who are most sensitive  are often the ones who complain that their partner’s are insensitive. Why is this?

Well you can attribute this to your partner’s sex – all men are insensitive. Or you can suggest that your partner has the insensitive gene, “she just not a sensitive person.” In either case, you are saying that your partner is unable to be sensitive.

Yet, there is evidence that contradicts this. Think back to an earlier time in your marriage, even to an earlier time when you were dating. Were you attracted to an insensitive person or did your partner attract you with his or her sensitivity to your views, feelings, and desires? I’ll bet you committed to a person you thought to be sensitive and caring!

How did you attract your partners sensitivity and what has changed? Sensitive individuals hide their sensitivity behind a wall of cold indifference or anger after they have experienced intense pain in their relationship with their partner. It is as though they are protecting their soft spot from any further pain.

The result of this protective stance is emotional distance - the exact opposite from what you desire. Instead, the sensitive individual must learn to communicate pain so that their partner is challenged to respond in a caring manner. Hiding your pain behind a wall of indifference or anger will not address your needs.

“But what if my partner does not care if I have been hurt?” The basis of a healthy relationship is commitment built on caring for each other. If your partner does not care, then it is important to know this. However, avoiding this issue by hiding your feelings ensures emotional distancing. Being emotionally distant from a partner that does not care is appropriate, but you must ask yourself if you have asked for caring in an appropriate way.

The real challenge is to present your sensitive feelings in a manner that they can be understood. If you “package” sensitive feelings in anger, then your partner will respond to the anger, not the feelings. If your message is “packaged” in an attack, then your partner will respond defensively, not with caring.

Rehearse before you share your feelings. When you practice, ask yourself, “Does my tone of voice and my message both convey a desire for sensitive caring or am I being aggressive?” I think you will find it more difficult than you think to share your feelings in a vulnerable tone. We become accustomed to challenging our partner and our tone becomes demanding, angry, aggravated, etc. – all which push our partner away.

Let me know how it works.

Political Differences vs. Marital Differences

If you are like me, you tire listening to political arguments well before voting day arrives. What makes the arguments so tiring is how the opponents must strive to make the argument about taking sides.

We are actually wired to respond to such arguments. Before food became plentiful, it was important for groups to band together to cooperate in hunting food. The lone wolf would die from starvation. So today you can look around and see all types of groups in which you belong. These groups may form around social, religious, ethnic, racial or family identities.

When such identities are formed, they are then protected. Even as differences are small, they can create much heat in debating those differences. The differences become important because they mark the unique identity of the group.

Marital arguments can assume a similar me versus you stance. You argue to protect your unique views, feelings and desires. “How much of me do I have to give up to be with you?” Such differences can become so large that we label a reason to divorce as “irreconcilable differences”.

The basis of a strong bond in marriage must begin with the development of a strong “we”. This “we” is something that is part of each partner’s individual identity. He or she describes the relationship as important to his or her partner, family and friends.

Nurturing the “we” also requires special effort to foster mutually enjoyable time together, verbal and nonverbal messages of belonging, and celebration of the “we”.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I let my partner know how important are relationship is to my identity?
2. Do I offer messages that identify the important role my marriage plays in my identity?
3. Do you take time to nurture the relationship, both through setting up mutually enjoyable activities and by setting aside time to nurture understanding by sharing your views, feelings, and desires.
4. Do your children, extended family and friends hear you describe your relationship as something you value?
5. Do you celebrate the “we” once a year or several times a month?

Putting a Price on Love

You must have value to be valued. Do you expect your partner to value you? What messages do you receive from your mate that he or she sees you as a person of worth?

I often hear partners complain that they do not feel that their partner listens to them. They describe this as a communication problem, “I told him what I needed but he just ignored my wishes.” The “communication” problem may be better described as a failure establish your worth in the relationship. We attend to that which we value. The partner who is always forgetting your birthday or other important events in your life is giving you a message of your worth.

Do you tolerate messages that devalue you? These messages may be disrespectful statements but are more likely to come in more subtle nonverbal messages. Does your partner look you in the eye when you are giving your views or sharing your feelings? Does your partner’s expression suggest your views, feelings and desires are important? If not, do you tolerate such messages of disregard, thus limiting your worth.

Take a minute to clarify your worth. What do you offer a partner? Are you kind, caring, sensitive? Do you share the demands of each day? Are you an enjoyable companion and friend? Are you a source of support and encouragement? List your good qualities and remind yourself of your worth.

This isn’t a list for your spouse to see. This is a list that establishes your worth for yourself. Your partner may disagree and not value you as a partner or he or she may not have been challenged to acknowledge your worth because you have tolerated being diminished and disrespected.

Challenge your partner’s view of your worth. Inform him or her that you will not tolerate the verbal or nonverbal messages that suggest you are anything but a valuable partner. Start today!

Technorati Tags: Marriage,marital,marriage problems,marital problems,communication problems

Ten Questions for a Marriage Performance Review

Bosses are commonly criticized by their subordinates for only giving feedback when something is wrong. The workers want a fair evaluation of their strengths as well as the areas in need of improvement before things go terribly wrong.

Are you and your partner guilty of doing the same thing in your marriage? Many couples don’t stop and evaluate their relationship until something is terribly wrong and emotions are high. Do you and your partner ask, “How are we doing as a couple?” on a regular basis?

I frequently hear partners say, “I had no idea that my spouse felt that way, or I didn’t know he was unhappy about that.” This is a symptom of a lack of feedback in the relationship. You can prevent more serious problems by taking a few minutes to evaluate your relationship on a regular basis.

Here are a few questions that can get you started:

1. How would you describe the amount of time you have together to emotionally, physically and sexually connect ? Does your time spent together properly reflect the importance of your relationship?
2. How would you rate the quality of the time you spend together? Is this time rewarding for each of you? Do you feel that your needs are being met?
3. Do you discuss the future? Do you feel as though you are working together to meet these goals?
4. Do you feel valued by your partner? Does your mate help you become a better person or do you feel diminished in the relationship?
5. Do you have a physical connection with enough affection?
6. Do you have a sexual connection? Are the majority of your sexual encounters mutually enjoyable?
7. Do you feel like a team when making financial, parenting, and other important decisions?
8. What is most pleasing about your relationship?
9. What one thing would you change about your relationship?
10. If you had it to do over, would you marry your partner or choose another person?

Think of other questions that may be good for evaluating your marriage/relationship. Feel free to post suggested questions under comments to help others.

Wanting to be Strong, Wanting a Strong Relationship

True or False? “Strong people have strong relationships.” On the surface this statement appears to be true. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your personal strength to be in a relationship.  Insecurities interfere with having a close relationship.

But there are many times when individual strength conflicts with relationship strength. Imagine your partner has said or done something that is so insensitive that you feel hurt and angry. Now imagine your response. Are you more likely to express your hurt or your anger?

I find that many choose to express their anger because they feel stronger when they express anger. Even passive individuals will store up anger, then feel stronger when they explode.

Yet what is stronger for the individual isn’t what makes a relationship stronger. Anger creates distance in relationships. Anger triggers defensiveness from those who feel attacked. Anger does not attract change, in fact, it makes change less likely to occur.

Your partner is more likely to be motivated to change and meet your needs if you resist expressing anger and challenge him or her to care for you. This requires you to express your views, feelings and desires in a vulnerable tone of voice. You must replace anger with an expression of hurt feelings.

Notice how uncomfortable it is to express vulnerable feelings. Anger feels more comfortable because you feel stronger, yet vulnerable expression creates a stronger relationship. It’s your decision to make – a stronger you or a stronger relationship? 

Technorati Tags: Relationship advice,communicating needs,intimate relationships

Cooperating or Competing to Get Your Needs Met?

Psychologists and economists have set up experiments in which two folks are challenged to play a game in which they share money. If they compete for the money, one will win more than the other. If they cooperate, they will share equally in the rewards.

The important issue is that when they compete, they lose money in the effort to win, but when they cooperate, they keep all of the money. Which do they choose? You guessed it. They compete because they want the bigger reward, not the most money to be distributed between them.

These experiments have huge implications for our world, but they make me think about how couples negotiate their differences. When you commit to a relationship, you believe you will be better off than if you remained single. You believe you are entering a cooperative relationship where you and your partner are making an equal effort to build each other up.

Yet all couples recognize early in their marriage that they have different views, feelings, and desires. In a healthy relationship, these differences must be negotiated so that each partner has an equal influence on the relationship. The type of relationship you have reflects equally on each partner’s views, feelings, and desires.

Do you compromise your desires for your partner or do you try to maximize what you want? Many folks would rather avoid tension than negotiate for their desires to be met. They often say they don’t have strong views, feelings or desires. However, they also become dissatisfied with the relationship over time because their needs go unmet.

Others would rather have their way than experience intimacy. These folks still marry, but are uncaring in their negotiation strategy. They often pair with a passive negotiator. The controlling spouse enjoys a short-term win, but over the long run, the relationship is not satisfying for their partner.

Controlling and passive approaches establish a win/lose model for the relationship. Neither approach will lead to a satisfying relationship. If you get your way, then your partner will ultimately be dissatisfied. If you give in, then you will fail to negotiate for what you want in the relationship.

Partnership requires giving as much as you receive and winning your partner’s trust that his or her views, feelings and desires will be responded to. If you find yourself feeling short-ended examine how you negotiate for your views, feelings, and desires to be attended to.

Do you communicate clearly? Do you communicate directly? Are there consequences for your partner not considering your input? You should be challenging your partner to care, not trying to muscle your way in the relationship. If your partner fails to care, then this should ultimately lead to increased distance in the relationship.