Don’t Tell Me Who I Am!

We don’t like to be told who we are. Sometimes we define our partner aggressively – “You’re lazy.”, “You’re a bitch.”, or “You’re worthless.” Generally we are more subtle – “I don’t feel you love me”, “You’re not the man I married.”, or “You’d rather be with your girlfriends than me.” Regardless of how subtle or truthful the statement, we do not like to be told who we are.

Labeling your partner’s personality or character will inevitably trigger a protest, a counterattack and emotional distance. So why do we do it? Labels are a way of trying to get our partner to examine his or her behavior in the hope that insight will bring change.

So how can you give your partner feedback that is less likely to lead to defensiveness and more likely to motivate him or her to respond to your concerns?

First, talk about yourself, not your partner. If your partner does or says something hurtful, talk about your hurt instead of your partner’s behavior. Keep the focus on you. Challenge your partner to care about your views, feelings and desires instead of reacting to your judgment of him or her.

Instead of: “You’re mean.”

Say: “I’m feeling really hurt. Your words really hurt me.”

Instead of: “You don’t care about me.”

Say: “I feel really distant from you. I need to know that you care about me.”

Stop and ask yourself, “How can I restate my anger, frustration, hurt, or disappointment by telling my partner about my view, feelings and desires for our relationship?’

Second, try to get your partner to talk about him or herself. Counselors are adept at getting their clients to look at themselves by having them talk about themselves. If your partner is a workaholic have him or her talk about what their job means to them, what is the reward and how does he or she measure the cost?

Challenging a person to change their view brings on defenses, whereas most people like to talk about themselves. Even if your partner’s view seems way out of the norm, try to not react judgmentally. Instead, ask your partner to tell you more and you will often see how he or she will soften their position simply by talking about it.

At the same time, you will be building a stronger bond because you are spending time in a more pleasant conversation than when you have argued in the past.

Don’t Tell Me What to Do!

We really, really don’t like to be told what to do. Imagine your partner telling you to change your wardrobe in some small way – changing the color of your nails or not wearing that belt again. Admit it, even though it’s a small request, your reaction is to resist it. Come to think of it, we learn to say no before we learn to say yes!

Resistance is even greater when we ask our partner to make larger changes or greater sacrifices. We simply do not like to be told what to do. So how can you ever get your partner to change for you? Try to remember back to a time when your partner made a change or sacrifice for you. What was different then?

I’m guessing that you recalled a time when you were each giving abundantly to each other. You trusted that your partner cared for you and it felt good to express that caring in return – even by making changes or sacrificing something you wanted. What has changed?

Requests for change no longer occur in the context of a caring relationship, they now sound like demands couched in disapproval. Love becomes conditional as demands feel cold – I’ll do this only if you do that. Chore lists are divided, bank accounts separated, and a chill of emotional separation covers discussions of change.

The only way to recover the spirit of openness to change that you once had is to recover the trust and caring that was once present in your relationship. Instead of thinking about how your partner could improve, think about a small effort you could make to express caring to your partner. Improve your listening skills, speak in a softer more vulnerable way, or reach out to softly touch your partner. Notice the effect that this small action has on your own feelings. Do you feel warmer or does this feel dangerous?

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, perhaps this is a sign of how disconnected you have become as a couple. Perhaps it is time to confront the disconnection and begin rebuilding the connection that was once there. It is unrealistic to think you can achieve this overnight, but you can begin today.

Dating Your Wife or Husband

I’m amused when I ask couples if they date and they look at me and say, “You mean each other?”

Of course I mean do they date each other, but the term dating throws them. Dating seems like something single couples do.

Which leads me to the purpose of dating. Dating serves several purposes including:

• an opportunity for a mutually enjoyable time together
• an opportunity to make your partner feel special
• an opportunity to create passion
• an opportunity to connect as friends
• an opportunity to say, “I want to be with you today and tomorrow”

I could go on, but hopefully you get the point, that dating applies equally to married couples. Yet, when I interview couples who have lost connection, one thing I notice is their tendency to neglect their dating life. By neglect I mean that they either do not date at all or they fall into the rut of having the same date over and over – typically a movie or dinner (or both).

What Makes a Good Date?

A good date feels special. Women often complain that their husbands only go on a date if they make all of the arrangements. Then the husband goes along but his attitude shows no enthusiasm for the date. To make the date feel special, each partner must participate in planning and arranging for making the night (or weekend) special.

A good date takes into account each’s preferred activities. Some folks like to be active and others are looking for something restful. Some folks like to learn something while others want to be entertained through escaping the reality of everyday life. Some are outgoing and like to be with groups while others want time to spend just with their partner. Look for dates that speak to each of you or alternate activities to show sensitivity to each of your preferences.

Remember when you first started dating and how you actually thought about the impression you were making on each other. You wanted to make a good impression so that your partner would know that you were interested in him or her. A good date makes a good impression. Women show delight in the time spent together and men make an effort to treat the woman as someone who is interesting and valuable in his life.

Inevitably when I ask a woman what makes a good date, she will say she wants a time for connection, but the man tends to focus on what she wants to do. The woman needs emotional connection, which translates into her sharing her views, feelings and desires while her partner shows interest and demonstrates that her views, feelings and desires are important.

Men have a more difficult time sharing what they want from a date. Physical and sexual closeness often is a desire, but when prompted, most men will admit that they want their partner to show she is delighted with the time together. It might sound corny but men enjoy it when the woman is excited with the date.

I hope that this prompts you to think about how you can be a better date because dating is one important thing you can do to maintain your connection with your partner.

Does True Love Last?

If I questioned everyone who is marrying today whether they feel emotionally, physically and sexually connected they would say, “Sure.” If I went further and asked them if they expected to remain connected over the next thirty years, the vast majority would say, “Yes!”

These couples believe that their connection will last because they have found the love of their life, their soul mate, the person that God has sent them…their one true love. While the sentiment is sweet, the logic of this optimism is lacking.

The truth is that a couple marrying today is very, very unlikely to maintain an emotional, physical and sexual connection over the next thirty years. First, they have nearly a 50% chance of divorcing – a sure sign of disconnection.

But among those who would remain married for the long haul, many will stay married only for the sake of their children’s well-being, financial entrapment, religious commitment or simply because the marriage they have is less frightening than the prospect of becoming divorced—even as they are have lost their emotional, physical and sexual connection.

The evidence is overwhelming that the connection we have at marriage is extremely fragile, yet we treat it as though it is lasting. For instance, after couples get married, we know that their behavior changes, generally giving less to the relationship. Husbands and wives nurture the relationship less, spend less time “courting” and more time arguing about how their expectations are unmet in the marriage.

Love can last, but the key is not finding your “one true love.” The key to a long-lasting relationship is commitment. My initial blog post described elements of a commitment. Underlying this commitment is the understanding that our connection is fragile and we must make an effort every day to nurture that connection or join the majority who have lost theirs.

Three Reasons To and Not To Text Your Partner

Our phones have become an essential part of our lives. For many, texting is a preferred way of communicating, much like instant messaging and emailing replaced telephone calls for delivering a message.

Texting provides couples with an opportunity to connect much more frequently than when only phone calls were available. Texting is efficient and doesn’t  require each of you to be available at the same time. Here are three ideas for communicating through texting that can enhance your connection.

1. Just as leaving love notes around your home can be a pleasant surprise, texts can serve the same purpose. Leaving very brief messages of love can be a reminder that you are thinking about your spouse and that the relationship is a priority.
2. Texting can be useful for reassuring your partner of your whereabouts or when you will be home. This can show consideration and help planning for time together.
3. Texting can be a way of flirting. Just as a physical touch can trigger strong sexual responses, so can flirtatious texts trigger a similar response.

Unfortunately, many couples use texting when they should be talking to one another. Here are three examples of the misuse of texting.

1. Remember that texting cannot convey complicated emotions. Don’t try to express your feelings through texting because you will fail to deliver the complete message. Research tells us that the nonverbal element is more important than the verbal component of the message and texts omit the nonverbal element completely! If you text your feelings, your partner will place his or her own sound to your words and your voice will be lost.
2. Don’t use texting to convey ideas, views or desires that cannot be expressed in a few sentences. Anyone who has written for electronic media will tell you that folks speed read and only grasp a small portion of your message. Can you tell me the three useful means for texting without looking back?…I didn’t think so…see my point.
3. Never have an argument through texting. Again, you will lose the essential nonverbal element that is conveyed through tone of voice, facial expression and posture. If your partner tries to initiate a disagreement or takes up an argument from the past, simply reschedule the discussions by texting, “Let’s talk about this at home tonight.” Be careful to reschedule the discussion and to follow through so that your partner doesn’t feel blown off.

Why Complaining to Your Partner Doesn’t Bring About Change

When you complain to your partner you expect your partner to listen and respond. Yet typically this is not what happens. Why is it that your partner resists responding to your complaints?

Here are three reasons why complaints are not heeded:

First, complaints are often taken as criticism. The tone of voice is harsh and the focus of the criticism is one’s partner. Criticism automatically places one on the defensive. Instead of hearing a call to change, the criticized partner hears a message that he or she has fallen short or is a disappointment. This triggers a defense of one’s self-worth not a willingness to change.

Second, we don’t like to be told what to do! Complaints can be a not-so-subtle message, “Do what I say.” This is typically met with passive resistance – “You can’t tell me what to do.” The interaction quickly ends up much like a parent and a teenager arguing over the teen cleaning up his or her room – a power struggle over seemingly simple tasks (i.e. put your socks in the hamper).

Third, complaints are really register with your partner as a complaint about the cost of living with the partner rather than a call to change. If you were to pay $65,000 for a new automobile, you may well be entitled to complain about how much the car costs. However, the car salesman is likely to be rests assured that you believe that the car is worth the price.

Similarly, when you complain to your partner, he or she can see this as you complaining about the cost of being in the relationship rather than a call to change. Teenagers listen to their parents complain about their messy rooms secure in their place in the family regardless of how messy the room is.

For these three reasons, and probably others, complaints tend to be an ineffective means of eliciting change. I have written previously on developing a cooperative relationship in which each partner responds out of mutually caring rather than arm-twisting to get what you want.

Is Your Marriage Counselor Competent?

Dr. William J. Doherty of the University of Minnesota recently presented a talk in which he described characteristics of what he described as an “incompetent couples therapist.” Here is his list with my comments.

Failing to actively structure sessions. The couples therapist must be able to control the direction of the conversation. Couples are prone to defend themselves while attacking their partner. The skilled therapist will guide couples to addressing relationship issues rather than allowing personal attacks.

Not moving beyond clarifying issues to specific ways couples can change. Couples need to be able to leave the therapist’s office with specific efforts that each partner can contribute toward making a emotional and physical connection during the next few days. Couples can expect change to be gradual but it must be observable. Each partner must see effort from their mate.

Failing to connect with both partners. Relationships are circular. The therapist must help couples to recognize that they each have a stake in each barrier between them and in each step toward improving their connection.

Failing to move quickly when commitment and divorce are on the table. Partners can respond quickly and destructively when they learn that their partner’s commitment has become uncertain. The therapist must intervene quickly to normalize the crisis and encourage good decision making. Therapists can further harm the marriage by attempting to manipulate the outcome (save the marriage) instead of helping the couple through a healthy decision-making process.

Giving up on the relationship when the therapist feels hopeless or lacks the ability to help. Momentary feelings on the part of the partners or the therapist are poor predictors of the outcome of couples counseling. I have learned that minor changes can bring unrealistically strong feelings of hope for the relationship and that being stuck can lead the couple to unrealistically conclude the relationship will never be satisfying. That is why I encourage couples to consider marriage counseling to be a three-month process before it can be assessed as a success or failure.