Listening for the Message Behind the Message

When you feel attacked your brain goes into protective mode. It feels danger and wants to avoid this danger. That is why you should avoid angry messages toward your partner. But let’s face it, you will be angry and your partner will be angry, so how should you respond to this anger.

Your protective brain needs to know that there is a safe message behind the anger. Fortunately, angry messages typically hide their true message behind a wall of protection. “I’m hurt but I’ll only show you anger. Anger leaves me less vulnerable than expressing hurt!” Your task is to find the true message, then respond to this message rather than the outward display of anger.

“You’re an ass!” Such a message sounds like a statement directed toward you, a clear rejection of your character. Your brain wants to avoid this attack by (1) moving away, (2) defending yourself, or (3) attacking back. Each of these options will guarantee greater detachment and a loss of intimacy.

There is a fourth option. This option is to realize that the message behind the message is a statement your partner is making about him or herself. He or she may be stating irritability, hurt, disappointment or a variety of other messages that have been packaged in the message “You’re an ass!”

The goal is to discover what that message means. How? Ask yourself what is your partner saying about him or herself, or challenge your partner to share his or her view and feelings. Sometimes simply responding, “What’s wrong?” will do the trick. Other times you need to dig deeper and say, “I want to discuss this with you, but your tone is making it difficult to listen.”

Romance or Relationship

Romantic comedies, romantic vacations, romantic music…romance is everywhere. Romance is fueled by passion. Romance is like a mood-altering drug that can be fleeting or cause you to keep looking for another high. We never seem to lose the desire for the high that comes with romance, yet this high becomes more and more difficult to maintain as you progress from falling in love to a long-term commitment.
You don’t commit to romance, you commit to the relationship. Romance is pleasure, relationship is work. Passion provides the motivation in romance, but relationship is motivated by a desire to address anything that causes emotional, physical or sexual detachment.
Four Reasons to Avoid the Work of Relationship
Assumptions It is easy to assume that your partner is satisfied with the relationship and that he or she feels as attached as you. Partners are often surprised to learn that their partner has withheld feelings of dissatisfaction, often over many months, even years. Avoid assumptions and talk to your partner about your relationship, both its strengths and weaknesses.
Laziness Avoid putting relationship issues aside because they are too much trouble to address. This form of procrastination rewards by avoiding tension, but the tension is only delayed. Make it your policy to address issues as they arise. Sweat the small issues and avoid creating bigger issues.
No plan Have a plan for how you want to approach relationship issues. Avoid talking about your partner and instead tell your partner about yourself. Think about what you want to say! Share your discomfort in a way that challenges to care about your concern, rather than telling your partner to change and triggering a defensive response.
Distractions Family life is full of distractions, many which demand our attention and some that are another source of pleasure. Make sure that you have not filled your life with so many distractions that you have not left time to address your relationship. Don’t fall into the trap that says if we are going to work, raising children and having fun together, then we are doing all we need to have a good relationship.

The Danger Of Putting Aside Your Pain

Many experts suggest that couples must establish a base of a good relationship before they can deal with the pain that has been caused to one of the partners. Some even suggest that pain must simply be absorbed and put aside in the spirit of forgiveness.

It is difficult to share pain, particularly when your partner has hurt you. You want to lash out in anger and your partner doesn’t want to feel ashamed for having caused you pain. You understand that your anger is destructive, so you hold it in and your partner feels relieved to not be reminded of his or her hurtful act.

A healthy relationship must be safe. When you began dating and falling in love, you each sent a message that you were safe. You each gave messages that said, “You can trust me with your heart.” Now the relationship does not feel safe, your heart feels pain, not safety. How can that feeling of safety begin to be restored?

Your pain needs a voice. Your pain needs to be understood by your partner. In order for this to happen you must express your pain vulnerably. You must sound hurt not angry. Anger pushes your partner away which is not the path to safety you want. You want a path to safety that restores intimacy.

Your partner must accept your pain without judging or trying to change it. This is particularly difficult for males because they are uncomfortable around the expression of pain, particularly pain they have caused. Never the less, pain must be expressed and your partner must empathize with your pain.

It is not enough to express sorrow for causing pain. You need to know that your partner understands the depth of your pain. Empathy for your pain can actually be a beginning to feeling safe. If your partner understands your pain and cares for you, then he or she will be more than willing to avoid causing you similar pain in the future.

If you put aside your pain, then it is likely that the relationship will change permanently. Without safety you will keep a distance and your partner will get less of you. Sure you can go about your daily existence and focus on family tasks, but intimacy requires safety. You must feel safe before you give your partner your heart once again.

Setting an Agenda for Marriage Counseling: Five Questions to Answer Before Your First Session

Before you go into a business meeting you would set an agenda. Yet when couples schedule a meeting with a therapist they often fail to discuss their expectations and set an agenda for the session. If they discussed anything it expectations are only stated broadly such as we need to communicate better, but not how counseling would help to improve their communication. Rarely has the couple even considered harm that could come from the counseling session.

Here are five questions to help you set an agenda before you meet with your relationship therapist:

If counseling is effective, how will our relationship be different? To answer this question, it is helpful to think in terms of behavior change. How will you behave differently toward each other if therapy is successful. Don’t think in generalities, consider specific changes you would want to see in your interaction, then each of you consider what your contribution would be to this change.

How will the therapist help in our effort to change? Will the focus of the session be on the past, the present or the future? Will you expect the therapist to be more of a teacher, coach or judge? What role will emotions play in the session? What do you hope to take away from the session?

How will the work we do in the session change how we relate once we are at home? Do you expect to have a different perspective, gain communication skills, or have more motivation to work on the relationship as a result of meeting with your therapist? Do you expect to work on specific homework or more generally behave better toward one another?

How much of a commitment do you expect to make toward therapy? Do you expect therapy to be limited to a specific number of sessions or do you expect the length of therapy to be based on how long it takes to achieve your goals? Have you considered how much your are willing to spend in money, time and effort to build a better relationship? Can one partner make a difference in the relationship if the other drops out of therapy?

What negative outcomes could arise from therapy? How uncomfortable do you expect the therapy process to be? Could you generate greater tension as a result of hearing how much dissatisfaction exists in the marriage? Could one of you end up deciding to divorce while the other wants to continue working on the relationship?

By addressing your expectations of couples counseling, you and your partner can avoid having different agendas for your session with the therapist. Your expectations may also not mesh with the therapist’s expectations. The sooner you, your partner and the therapist can set clear goals, the sooner you will be able to make progress toward creating an improved relationship.

Less Me and More We

One thing I always assess when a couple comes to see me for counseling is how they present their struggle to connect. Do they describe the struggle as a mutual struggle or do they just describe what each partner is not getting in the relationship?

Me issues are presented as something you are getting that you don’t want, for instance, “He gets angry whenever I discuss our relationship.” or something you are not getting, for instance, “She never reaches out to me, I always am the one reaching out to her.”

Me issues are presented from your point of view. Often they are presented aggressively with a tone of frustration or anger. The implied message is that I am not getting something I deserve in this relationship.

We issues are quite different. The frustration is presented as a shared experience. The desire is for each to find a way to contribute to a better connection. The blame for the relationship dissatisfaction lies in the relationship, not in one partner’s shortcomings.

One partner says, “We’ve lost the connection we once had.” and the other adds, “Yes, it seems as though we are living as roommates instead of lovers.” Such a presentation implies that each are ready to join in an effort to improve their relationship and are not so interested in parceling out blame.

Moving from me to we

Start with how you view the problems in your marriage. Ask yourself how you have contributed to these issues. Then, ask yourself how you will need to contribute to a solution to the problems you face.

Next, ask yourself what your partner’s views, feelings and desires are for resolving this issue. How might you let him or her know that you can see the issue from more than one perspective.

Finally, ask yourself, “Do I want to get what I want or what is best for the relationship?”

When You Hear, “I Want To Separate.”

“What does a separation mean? Are we taking a step toward divorce? I’m not ready to give up on our marriage.”

The message that your partner wants a separation can be overwhelming. But how you respond can make a difference in whether the relationship further erodes or improves.

Your natural reaction is to resist a separation. You argue for all the reasons why a separation is uncalled for, dangerous or impractical. Unfortunately, your arguments are met by your partner’s case for a separation, perhaps even making his or her resolve stronger.

So what is a better response to this message? Responding with empathy, patience and self-care are more likely to minimize the damage from a separation and maximize your chance of rebuilding an emotional connection with your partner.

Empathy

Instead of arguing against separation, your first effort should be to understand your partner’s message.  Send the message that you want to understand what your partner wants from the separation. Does he or she want time to decide whether to remain committed to the relationship? Is the message really one of wanting a divorce but trying to soften the message?

Often the message is, “I want you to know how much pain I feel in this relationship.” By showing empathy for the pain, you can avoid a separation and focus on improving the relationship.This conversation can show your mate that you want to understand and respond to him or her. Responding to what your partner wants takes patience.

Patience

While your initial goal may be based on a desire to stop the separation, a better goal is to prolong the decision-making process. The decision to separate has many facets to be considered; the decision to divorce has many more factors to be considered. Your mate can appreciate the need for time to make a reasonable (versus an emotional) decision.

Having patience can help to drain strong emotions out of the decision-making process. Listening and cooperating with your partner can make the decision less urgent. Being patient requires you to be able to harness your best self.

Self-care

Your partner’s message is painful, you feel rejected and afraid for the future. This pain can lead you to respond in a desperate way that is degrading and unattractive to your spouse. Now is the time to present your best self!

You must find an avenue to express your pain in a healthy manner. Don’t expect your partner to lend an understanding ear at this time. Talking to a friend or family member is great but you may feel uncomfortable revealing information that could color future relationships. Reaching out to a counselor or clergyperson in order to find “a safe” ear to listen to your pain and fears may be the best route.

Further advice can be found in my post on how to respond to an ambivalent partner’s message, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” (http://goo.gl/CXx6mh).

A Child’s Best Gift: Your Marriage

You’ve gone from a carefree adolescence to a carefree young adulthood, but you are now ready to settle down. You want to be married and have a family. You’re ready to move to this next stage of life.

As couples delay marriage until their late 20s and early 30s (or later), they must then consider having children soon after marriage. For many couples, marriage and raising children practically coincide with one another.

Many young adults have prolonged their carefree years well into adulthood and have a difficult transition from carefree independence to marriage, then quickly to parenthood.

Marriage does no more than offer the opportunity for a couple to develop an intimate bond, but building that bond takes time and effort. If you are distracted from the work of bonding with your partner by parenting, then you can find yourself easily disconnected from your partner but doing a terrific job as parents.

Parenting is an extremely important job, but children also need parents who love one another. Parents are older than previous generations. With this seems to be a greater priority on structuring the child’s life such that he or she is prepared for a successful future.

This structured childhood also structures the parent’s life, soccer three times a week, dance twice a week, after-school projects, etc., etc. Saying no to the children’s activities feels as though you are compromising their future.

Yet, such structure often leaves little room for parents to nurture their marriage. Perhaps you need to give your children a gift that will enrich their future more than soccer or dance classes, parents with a strong bond that will build over the years. Your bond will better predict your children’s future success than their participation in sports or cultural enrichment activities.

Forge time for your marriage. Schedule regular date nights. Have mini-dates in the evening where you send the children off to depend on themselves while mom and dad have time together. You will feel more connected to your partner, but will also note that your children will become more self-reliant in the process.