More Thinking Does Not Mean a Better Decision

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An experimenter tested the decision-making ability of two groups by measuring their ability to choose the best car to buy (for the experiment, one choice was better). The groups’ decision-making differed by the number of variables they had to take into account before making the decision. You would think that the group given more variables would make a better decision, but you would be wrong. The experimenter found that our decision-making ability improves up to a point, but too many variables overwhelm the brain’s ability to process the information and the quality of decisions declines.

Those who had an overload of variables to consider when choosing the best car to buy made better decisions when they were distracted by a word puzzle, thus leaving them time to only rely on their intuition. Research suggests that you can get so bogged down in processing variables that your decisions become worse, not better. Business refers to this as paralysis by analysis. Deciding to commit or recommit to a marriage can be overwhelming when you try to examine all of the positives and negatives associated with the decision. On top of that, the decision looms large because it affects many people over a long period of time.

When you find yourself overwhelmed with a relationship decision you can minimize the variables by focusing on just a few issues or you can overwhelm yourself by trying to take into account all the variables, particularly everything that can go wrong with the decision. The result can be that you are unable to make a decision or make a poor decision.

This is why it is important to take care of yourself while you are trying to make difficult decisions. In order to make a good decision, you must trust your decision-making ability even though you cannot control the outcome of your decision.

Self-care means focusing on healthy behaviors that build personal strength. Look for relationships with those that value you and want the best for you, rather than polling others for their opinion. Avoid escaping stress through use of alcohol or testing your feelings through an inappropriate relationship. Instead, eat well, rest, and exercise. Give yourself permission to just be in the moment, even if that moment is filled with doubt and questions.

A Normal Marital Crisis???

When your partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain, it seems as though your world is in uproar. You can accept problems in the marriage because they can be addressed, but your partner's statement, "I'm not sure I want to be married" or "I'm not in love with you" is not as easily addressed.

In my first post (6/8/08!), I outlined the elements of a commitment in marriage. Feelings can change. Passion ebbs and flows. Anger explodes. Disappointment arises. But commitment is supposed to remain throughout. The loss of commitment seems to be a sign of a marriage in its death throes.

In fact, an uncertain commitment to marriage is not a symptom of the death of the relationship. However, it is a condition that can be likened to a body that is seriously injured in an accident. The body must be handled very carefully in order that it is not harmed in the process of getting it to the hospital. Similarly, a marital crisis is a situation that calls for delicate treatment.

In my ebook, Understanding Your Distancing Spouse (http://tinyurl.com/y4ugjva) I help you to understand that the partner who is uncertain about his or her commitment is going through a decision-making process - a process that can lead to a new, improved marriage as well as divorce. However, it is easy to respond to the crisis as though it is a personal rejection and a prelude to divorce.

If you see the crisis as rejection and a prelude to divorce, then you will naturally respond to protect yourself. If you see the crisis as a decision-making process, then you can choose to respond in a manner that facilitates good decision-making. You can also work to influence the decision by showing your partner that the relationship can be improved.

I regularly wonder how many marital crises become destructive divorces simply because the partners' misinterpreted the crisis as something that cannot be overcome and survived. I hope that other therapists that read this blog will educate the public to understand that a marriage crisis can be survived. I hope that when you or your friends' commitment becomes uncertain that you, family, and friends will respond in a manner that normalizes the situation and helps the partner use good decision-making skills.

Five Myths About a Marital Crisis

A marital crisis occurs when one or both partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain. Here are five myths about a marriage crisis that may help you manage the crisis in your marriage.

Myth 1: A marital crisis is a sign that our marriage is over.

Questioning your commitment to your marriage is not a sign that a divorce is on the horizon. Rather, it is a time to determine whether there is hope for an improved relationship. The decision to divorce comes from hopelessness, the belief that the marriage will never be satisfying.

Myth 2: It is best to hold your feelings inside until you have made a clear decision whether or not to divorce.

Responding passively to a marital crisis is like not having a fire alarm go off when your home is on fire. By sharing your feelings, your partner has the opportunity to respond. His or her response can be the beginning of creating hope for a more satisfying relationship.

Myth 3: If your partner's commitment is uncertain, then you must let your partner know how much you love him or her.

It's natural to try to show your distancing partner how much you love him or her. However, this can backfire as your partner needs your patience, time and distance in the early stage of a marital crisis. The best way to show your love and commitment to the marriage is by appreciating your partner's position. Your partner needs an environment that facilitates good decision-making. Pressuring or manipulating your partner will not create an environment for making a good decision.

Myth 4: Talking about divorce will make the divorce more likely.

Discussing divorce as an option will not make the divorce more likely to happen. It is important to recognize that a good decision includes all options. By denying divorce as an option, you are saying, "You are trapped in this marriage". You want to choose to be married, not trapped in marriage.

Myth 5: Once I have thought about divorce, I'll never regain love for my partner.

There is a path back from a marital crisis to an improved marriage and love. But this path is not a "fake it till you make it" path. Rather, it requires both partner's commitment to change. For the rejected spouse, this path begins by appreciating that your partner is not currently committed to the change process, but can get there in time.

To learn more about managing a marital crisis read my free ebook, Managing a Marital Crisis at http://www.relationshipcrisis.com/Ebook_CC.pdf

Political Affairs: The Wife's Response

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Once again, this time right here in Tennessee, a state representative admits to having an affair. While it is difficult enough to know your partner has been unfaithful, it’s made more difficult when the general public knows your struggle. It must seem as though everyone is peering over your shoulder in judgment as they wait to see what decision you will make.

Women often say they feel foolish upon discovering their husband’s affair. They become self-conscious and imagine that the infidelity was known to everyone but them. It is not uncommon for the betrayed wife to feel others are laughing at her or holding her responsible for the infidelity. As a wife of a politician, the glare of media must make the self-examination even more painfully insecure.

It is important for the betrayed partner to find a position of self-worth that says, “I am a woman of value. My value is not based on my husband’s (mis) behavior, or others’ opinions of me. I am faced with a decision, whether to remain committed to the marriage or divorce. I cannot allow anything to interfere with my ability to make a good decision. I must avoid making a decision too quickly or too emotionally.

Reconciliation requires three elements. First, the betrayed partner must feel that your partner understands the depth of your pain. At the same time, she must accept responsibility for her expression of her pain. The betrayed partner must move from aggressive expression of pain to vulnerable sharing of pain.

Second, she needs her partner to examine the underlying reasons for his affair. It is not good enough to say that the behavior is wrong and won’t be repeated; the gravity of the poor choice calls for self-examination to explore the underlying influences that led to the hurtful behavior. The betrayed partner must be able to move from endless questions about the details of the affair to a more penetrating discussion of what the affair meant to their partner.

Finally, there needs to be a plan for a new, improved relationship. Without such change, a cloud of pain can hang over the marriage for years to come. Instead, the couple needs to be able to say that the crisis was painful but brought about an even stronger, healthier marriage than existed prior to the affair. This path of reconciliation takes months, even years to follow. Outsiders rarely show sensitivity to how difficult this path is (for instance, look at what is said about the Clinton’s marriage) yet as a society we encourage commitment to marriage.

Of course some hurts lead to an emotional detachment that becomes a divorce. One or both partners come to see the marriage as perpetually dissatisfying. The painful process of divorce also becomes a source of public scrutiny.

Giving Yourself Permission to Divorce in Order to Choose to be Married

I'm sure you have heard someone say, "Divorce is not an option for me; divorce is not in my vocabulary." This expression can mean different things to different people. To someone in a satisfying marriage, this expression can mean that he/she is committed to their marriage and willing to tackle whatever roadblocks to intimacy that may arise.

But to someone in a marriage crisis the expression can represent entrapment, suggesting, "I made my bed and I must lie in it." The difficulty with this outlook during a marriage crisis is that one cannot choose to remain married unless one has a choice. Removing yours or your partner's choice can result in a marriage without intimacy or closeness. Such a choice can have lasting consequences.

It is far better to give yourself permission to divorce in order to give yourself permission to be married. A healthy marriage requires much effort, work that cannot be given reluctantly. Your partner's distancing may tempt you to manipulate the situation in order to avoid divorce. Friends and family may be willing accomplices in the manipulation because they do not want the marriage to dissolve.

Resist such desperate behavior. Trust that your partner must make a decision to commit to the relationship. Only a choice freely given will include motivation to draw close to you and willingness to trust giving one's heart away (once again).

Can This Marriage Be Saved: Assessing Hope

This question often centers on questions like:

• Can I forgive this hurt?
• Can we learn to communicate?
• Does he/she really love me?
• Will my partner quit abusing alcohol/porn/me?

While such questions are important, they can rarely be answered with certainty. Verbal promises sure don't ensure that change will occur. Neither personal counseling, marital counseling, rehab, or religious conversion ensures that change will occur. Finally, even if change occurs, you can't be sure that this will lead to a satisfying marriage.

Since there is no certain answer to this question, you can only ask:

• Do I have reasonable hope that my marriage can become satisfying?

Hope for a satisfying marriage keeps us from divorce. Belief that the marriage can improve will maintain motivation. Hopelessness is the enemy of the marriage. In the next post, I will discuss how to realistically communicate hope for the future of the marriage and what it means to make a reasonable decision.

PR: wait... I: wait... L: wait... LD: wait... I: wait... wait... C: wait... SD: wait...

Blaming Yourself for Your Partner’s Distance

“If I was sexier, slimmer, smarter, wealthier, etc., etc. my partner would remain devoted to me forever.” This sounds unreasonable, yet this is the reasoning many adopt when their partner’s commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain. Why do folks tend to examine their faults and assume unnecessary blame when their partner distances?

At times the distance you experience in your marriage is a signal. It signals that the relationship has become dissatisfying for your spouse and the distance is really a way of communicating a desire for change. If you are willing to examine your contribution to the relationship problems, then you can inject hope that the relationship can improve. A typical example is a husband who becomes too devoted to his job or a wife who becomes consumed with mothering, each neglecting to care for the marriage while they nurture their career and children.

But even when their spouse is involved in an affair, a rejected partner can question what he or she has done (or failed to do) to cause the distance in the marriage. Even when the distancing partner says, “It’s not you, it’s me” the rejected partner will continue to search for something they have done that caused their partner’s distance.

Our instincts make us sensitive to pain, so we can preserve our lives by avoiding the causes of pain in our lives. If we become sick, we consider what we ate that caused our illness. This desire to control our environment in order to avoid pain can lead to self-blame for things outside our control. It feels better to focus on something that is in your control than to accept that your pain cannot be avoided.

Your partner’s commitment to the marriage is not something you earn or can manipulate. Commitment is a choice. Committed spouses choose to work on their marriage.

Avoid holding yourself irrationally responsible for your partner’s lack of commitment to the marriage. Remember that you can contribute to improving your relationship with your partner only if there is a mutual commitment to working on the relationship. It is fine to consider ways that to show that the relationship can be improved, but blaming yourself for your partner’s distance will only lead to diminished self-worth and make you less attractive as a partner.

Minimizing the Effects of Shock During a Marital Crisis

Learning that your marriage could end is overwhelming. When your body is seriously injured , it can go into shock in order to preserve your vital organs. Psychological shock serves a similar purpose. Your ability to process information becomes muted. You feel as though you are on automatic pilot; it is a struggle to do the basic tasks of life.

Psychological shock helps you to absorb reality slowly. Information seeps into your awareness instead of flooding you with more information than you can handle.

The following guidelines are to help you understand your response:

• Understand that your reaction is normal and not a sign of emotional disturbance.


• Avoid trying to make any important decisions while you are in this state.


• Reduce stimulation by "quieting" your environment. For instance, you may temporarily need time away from parenting responsiblities.


• Seek social support from family and friends. Do not seek this support from your partner.


• Focus on basic self-care activities like sleep, eating well, and simple activities. Reduce your expectations of yourself!


• Avoid telling yourself that your are depressed or suffering from a mental disturbance.


• Reassure yourself that your reaction is normal and you will recover your normal mood.


• Remind yourself that a marriage crisis is not an emergency. Let your partner know that you are not ready to make any important decisions at this time.

Marital Crisis versus marital problems: What is the Difference?

One couple explain to their marriage counselor that they are having difficulty connecting; they feel distant, like roomates. They each state their displeasure with their marriage. They have thought about divorce, but would like to work to restore the relationship they once both enjoyed.

Another couple has similar complaints. They agree that their relationship is mutually dissatisfying, that they have been distant - echoing that they feel more like roomates than an intimate couple. However, the husband is uncertain about his commitment to the marriage. He has spent much time thinking about divorce. He finds himself torn, divorce has the possibility of hope for a happier future, yet he fears the consequences, particularly for his children. Yet, the marriage feels like a never-ending sentence of unhappiness, with no possiblity of release.

These couples may have similar complaints about their marriage, but there is a crucial difference, only one couple has a mutual commitment to working to improve the marriage. Marriage counseling requires a mutual effort to build intimacy. If the therapist encourages the first couple to develop skills to reconnect, then the couple will likely work together and be successful.

However, the second couple will be unlikely to experience similar success when presented with the same treatment plan. The second husband is uncertain in his commitment and such effort to build intimacy will feel as though he is being pushed to do something he is uncertain he wants. A push to become closer to his wife will feel like someone pushing him off a high-dive diving board. Not only will he not want to jump off the board, his initial response will be to resist the push.

The uncertain husband's wife and therapist must give the husband time to decide to work on the marriage. The wife's willingness to cooperate in healthy decision making and her understanding her husband's painful position can actually attract him to recommit to the marriage. Pushing the husband for a commitment can have the opposite effect, particularly when emotions become hostile.

I term the first couple as experiencing marital problems, albeit serious, long-standing problems. The second couple are experiencing a marital crisis. The response necessary and the goals for each situation is different. The difference is crucial and can make a lifetime of difference.