Can This Marriage Be Saved: Assessing Hope

This question often centers on questions like:

• Can I forgive this hurt?
• Can we learn to communicate?
• Does he/she really love me?
• Will my partner quit abusing alcohol/porn/me?

While such questions are important, they can rarely be answered with certainty. Verbal promises sure don't ensure that change will occur. Neither personal counseling, marital counseling, rehab, or religious conversion ensures that change will occur. Finally, even if change occurs, you can't be sure that this will lead to a satisfying marriage.

Since there is no certain answer to this question, you can only ask:

• Do I have reasonable hope that my marriage can become satisfying?

Hope for a satisfying marriage keeps us from divorce. Belief that the marriage can improve will maintain motivation. Hopelessness is the enemy of the marriage. In the next post, I will discuss how to realistically communicate hope for the future of the marriage and what it means to make a reasonable decision.

PR: wait... I: wait... L: wait... LD: wait... I: wait... wait... C: wait... SD: wait...

Anger or Intimacy in Marriage

Sally had gone through the same scenario many times. Bill would say he was going to play golf or go hunting on Saturday, and Sally would feel hurt that he did not want to spend time with her. But her response would be to simply say, "Fine," then go off in a huff of anger.

Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. recently wrote a piece that I enjoyed on anger (http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/if-anger-helps-you-feel-in-control-no-wonder-you-cant-control-your-an#new). Here is my reaction to this blog in which he describes why we get angry instead of being vulnerable with our feelings.

Dr. Seltzer writes, "Yet feeling too detached from our partner can also revivify old attachment wounds and fears, so at times the dance changes and the distancer becomes the pursuer. The main point here is that anger, however unconsciously, can be employed in a variety of ways to regulate vulnerability in committed relationships." This is accurate, but I would say that the partner may be controlling tension in both situations - being angry or pursuing afterwards.

If you are angry you don't have to be vulnerable. You also don't necessarily have to be vulnerable when pursuing your partner. You can pursue through flowers, sex, a night on the town, etc. In working with couples, I teach partners to communicate their vulnerable feelings instead of "covering" them up with anger.

Intimacy requires the ability to be vulnerable in the context of your pain. You must be able to tell your partner that you are hurting. Many find it much easier to express anger or frustration than to admit pain. Simply expressing vulnerable feelings is extremely uncomfortable for many folks. They feel more powerful expressing anger. I teach that they are better able to get what they want if they can learn to express their feelings in a vulnerable tone.

The problem with anger is that it inhibits intimacy in relationships and makes negotiating the relationship colder. Intimacy builds when you can let your partner know what you need and your partner recognizes your feelings and needs. If you have a caring partner, he or she will warm to your needs and become less selfish in negotiating the relationship.

Sally decided to take a different approach, she said, "I understand that you enjoy golf and hunting, but I need to know that you also enjoy spending time with me. I don't want to keep you from those things you enjoy, but I need to know that you want to spend time with me." Bill responded, "You always bitch about my taking time for myself. I deserve some time with my friends; I'm not doing anything wrong." Instead of taking the "bait", Sally simply repeated her message in a soft tone of voice. Bill walked away.

The next weekend, Bill made it a point to spend time with Sally and she made it a point to show delight in their time spent together. She also noticed that on subsequent weekends Bill would talk to her about his plans and let her know that he was trying to balance his desires for sports and her.

Why Your Spouse Won't Cooperate

Jane wants Paul to shampoo the carpets. She knows it is a tough job and that he has procrastinated. She decides to do several nice things for him to motivate him to clean the carpeting. She makes him his favorite pie, she suggests he relax and watch Thursday night football and she is more affectionate and loving in general. Paul recognizes that he is receiving more that his usual share of “goodies” from his wife. Then he realizes why. On Friday she reminds him of the carpet-cleaning chore he has been putting off. Paul is now faced with a decision.

How should he respond? He is unlikely to be motivated by his wife if he believes he does not owe her anything in return for the goodies she has offered him. For instance he may feel he is finally receiving his due amount of appreciation for what he has already contributed to the relationship. Or he may feel that he contributes plenty through his effort on the job and through other chores.

On the other hand, Paul is more likely to be motivated by his Jane’s efforts if she appears to be acting out a gesture of goodwill. If he sees his wife as being kind, then he is more likely to be motivated to reciprocate. The husband will see this as a gesture of goodwill if he experiences the positive things his wife has done as part of a bigger pattern of giving. He will be motivated if he believes that she will continue to give to him in the future. In other words, the husband is likely to be motivated to clean the carpet if he believes that his effort will result in further rewards in the future and not as an effort to manipulate him to do an unpleasant task.

When you were dating, you had confidence in receiving rewards from your partner. These rewards took many forms. It was a pleasure to receive a compliment, a certain touch, a look of admiration, or a willingness to go the extra mile just to spend time together. When you gave to your partner, you had faith that you would receive as much as you gave.

Do you have faith that there are numerous rewards to be had from nurturing a relationship with your spouse?