Listen to Me

People often ask what I see as the biggest frustration for couples. They tend to think in terms of particular issues – is it money, sex or career issues?

The answer is that couples most often express frustration with not being heard, regardless of the issue being discussed. Women openly complain about this, while men feel equally misunderstood but are less likely to verbalize this except when they are angry. Women see their partner as falling short when communication breaks down, whereas men are susceptible to feeling they are falling short when their wife does not understand.

I find that women often react aggressively when their partner fails to be understanding, whereas men tend to withdraw, feeling helpless and lost in dealing with their partner.  Women have had the experience of being understood by their female friends and family, while men have much less experience trying to be understood. After all, young girls begin sharing their experiences with each other during their preteen years, while boys’ attention is on competing with each other (think sports) rather than relating to each other.

The most effective way for you to get your partner to be understanding is to offer understanding. Instead of pressing your point or raising your voice (volume is never the problem), try going into active listening mode. Ask yourself, “What is my partner’s view, feeling and/or desire?

A good challenge is to restate what your partner is saying in your own words before you try to make your point. A typical pattern that leads to arguments is to focus on your comeback before you let your partner know you understand his or her statement.

I often encourage couples to do the following exercise: 

One partner makes a statement which he/she feels to be true about the relationship. The other partner then is to make statements such as "Do you mean...?" to indicate whether he or she has understood. The objective is to receive three "yeses" before you reverse roles. Make this as fun and playful as possible. Avoid being aggressive.

Take turns practicing this active listening exercise then apply it when tension arises to increase understanding when it is most important.

What Women and Men Want From a Valentine Day Date

Why are romantic occasions as likely to create tension as an intimate evening? The answer lies in the differences in men’s and women’s path to connection. Both desire a connection, but their needs differ.

Men like to connect through touch and activity. Talking isn’t necessary. Think of how men befriend other men. They do something together and share information, avoiding feelings. Whereas women invite relationship through sharing views, feelings and desires…by talking about these.

When women suggest that men only want sex, they are only partly correct. Men enjoy a range of physical connection, but what bugs women is that a man can feel connected simply with touch and does not require verbal connection.

In contrast, a woman can be by the man’s side but still feel disconnected if there is no conversation. She needs an emotional connection and that can only be achieved through sharing her views, feelings and desires. If the man is to win her desire for physical intimacy, he must connect through emotional intimacy…he must listen to her.

Women are extremely sensitive to disconnection, whereas men are just as sensitive to women’s disapproval. Men want the woman to be delighted with him. When the woman feels disconnected she is likely to signal this through a complaint, which the man accepts as a message about his shortcomings rather than the woman’s effort to reconnect.

So, a good date does not have to be elaborate or expensive, but each partner must attempt to meet their mate’s expectations. Men must be good listeners, while women must realize that men can be quiet, yet still feel connected. Women can reach out for connection but this is better done through gentle touch with a vulnerable tone of voice rather than complaining.

Men must pay attention to the woman’s views and feelings. They must avoid interruptions or trying to change the woman’s views or feelings.  The woman must be able to reward this with an expression of delight in the man’s attention. If tension does arise, be prepared to examine the source from each partner’s perspective. Even tensions can lead to a deeper intimacy if managed properly.

The Best Christmas Gift Ever!

I hope that you will take a moment to consider the best gift that you can give to your children…even if they are grown. That gift is a loving, caring relationship with your partner.

Think of all the time you spend to provide your children with activities that will enrich their lives. These may include music lessons, sports, tutoring, trips to the zoo or museum. Yet, your children can still be left wanting.

Children want the security of knowing that their parents marriage is a bond of love that will last. Consider what you can do as a couple to give your children this gift that literally lasts a lifetime.

What is the Canary in the Coal Mine for Marriage? Three Signals That Should Not Be Ignored!

A canary was taken into mines to provide a warning of danger to the miners – if the canary died the miners were also in danger. What are the signs that your marriage is in danger?

Divorce and the detachment that leads to divorce does not happen all at once. Instead, marriages die gradually. The typical couple will wait many years before seeking help. During this time, they ignore clear signals that their marriage is in trouble. Once they come for counseling, they have built so much resentment and so many barriers that reconnection becomes an extremely difficult task.

So let’s examine some common signals of a deteriorating relationship that should not be ignored.

Emotional Distancing: Emotional distancing often begins early in the marriage. When you began dating there was a mutual attraction and a desire to establish a future together. You were each motivated to show you cared and wanted a future together. After marriage, or perhaps even before, the concern about the future of the relationship fades with the belief that you will be together forever.

At the same time you believe that you have a partner for life, one or both of you find that the relationship is not living up to your expectations. This triggers tension that was not present in the past. The tension comes from one or both of you trying to change your partner.

It is common for a couple’s emotional disconnect to be traced back to earliest disagreements that left each partner feeling uncared for. The woman feels her partner distancing as a result of the tension while the man feels overwhelmed by the woman’s emotional plea for change. Both interpret the distance as a sign of their partner’s lack of caring.

Emotional distance crumbles the security of the relationship. When your partner is no longer viewed as caring, then he or she becomes a potential source of pain, which leads to physical distancing.

Physical Distancing: How many pictures have you seen of animals of all species cuddling? We are attracted to these pictures because they reflect a need for touch that we share with all of the animal world. When your relationship becomes physically distant, then you are going without a basic need.

A smile, a gentle touch and time spent holding one another provides comfort and caring. Men are often more comfortable expressing their love through physical expression rather than emotions. Without physical connection, couples describe their relationship as being like roommates or siblings.

Sexual Distancing: Too often couples think of their sexual relationship only in terms of intercourse. Yet when you think back to first exploring sex, you’ll recall how even holding hands was a sensual pleasure. Couples need to experience sensual as well as sexual pleasure.

Many couples continue having regular intercourse but find that it becomes routine and fails to help them connect. This is because they have lost the pleasure of sensual seduction. Sensual seduction ignites passion through stimulating a variety of senses – touch, smell, hearing before trying to stimulate the sexual organs.

Passion can have a healing effect. Daily tension can drain away and in its place comes a feeling of closeness and well-being.

Creating Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

Marriages need protection! Marriages have enemies that will undermine the fragile connection between husband and wife. You protect your home from unwanted intruders. Do you protect your marriage from harm or do you ignore dangers until the damage has been done?

Most of your activities…even your friends can be divided into those who are friendly to your marriage, neutral, or unfriendly to your marriage. An activity or friendship can be good for you but not good for your marriage.

“I need to have time with my buddies.”

“I feel better when I spend time alone.”

“I need time to decompress by watching my TV shows.”

All activities that are good for you are not good for your marriage.

Take time to do this exercise: Make a list of the people with whom you spend the most time and the activities you do the most. Beside each person and activity place a plus sign, a zero or a negative sign for those activities that are marriage-friendly, neutral or unfriendly to your marriage.

For instance, a girlfriend that speaks poorly of her marriage and encourages “girl-time” versus couple activities may be considered marriage unfriendly. Golf could be neutral if your husband comes home energized and enthused to be with you or marriage unfriendly if he comes home and sleeps off the several beers he consumed during his outing.

Marriage friendly activities and friends are those which encourage you to maintain and improve your connection with your spouse.

After you complete this inventory, ask yourself whether you have allowed too many enemies of your marriage to enter your lifestyle. Or have you developed too few marriage-friendly activities and relationships? What activities could you add which would likely create a stronger bond in your relationship?

It is not always the big blows that bring down a marriage, often a marriage dies from “a thousand paper cuts.” How many couples wake up to find that one or both have lost their emotional, physical and sexual connection only because they have failed to nurture their marriage?

Perhaps your relationship needs more marriage-friendly activities or fewer marriage-unfriendly activities. Take time to discuss your inventory with your partner and ask him or her to also complete the exercise. You will probably find out that you disagree on what activities are friendly and unfriendly to your relationship.

Instead of arguing about this, listen to your partner’s complaints and take time to assess the cost to your marriage before you defend the activity or relationship. Make it clear to your partner that you want to protect your relationship!

Don’t Tell Me Who I Am!

We don’t like to be told who we are. Sometimes we define our partner aggressively – “You’re lazy.”, “You’re a bitch.”, or “You’re worthless.” Generally we are more subtle – “I don’t feel you love me”, “You’re not the man I married.”, or “You’d rather be with your girlfriends than me.” Regardless of how subtle or truthful the statement, we do not like to be told who we are.

Labeling your partner’s personality or character will inevitably trigger a protest, a counterattack and emotional distance. So why do we do it? Labels are a way of trying to get our partner to examine his or her behavior in the hope that insight will bring change.

So how can you give your partner feedback that is less likely to lead to defensiveness and more likely to motivate him or her to respond to your concerns?

First, talk about yourself, not your partner. If your partner does or says something hurtful, talk about your hurt instead of your partner’s behavior. Keep the focus on you. Challenge your partner to care about your views, feelings and desires instead of reacting to your judgment of him or her.

Instead of: “You’re mean.”

Say: “I’m feeling really hurt. Your words really hurt me.”

Instead of: “You don’t care about me.”

Say: “I feel really distant from you. I need to know that you care about me.”

Stop and ask yourself, “How can I restate my anger, frustration, hurt, or disappointment by telling my partner about my view, feelings and desires for our relationship?’

Second, try to get your partner to talk about him or herself. Counselors are adept at getting their clients to look at themselves by having them talk about themselves. If your partner is a workaholic have him or her talk about what their job means to them, what is the reward and how does he or she measure the cost?

Challenging a person to change their view brings on defenses, whereas most people like to talk about themselves. Even if your partner’s view seems way out of the norm, try to not react judgmentally. Instead, ask your partner to tell you more and you will often see how he or she will soften their position simply by talking about it.

At the same time, you will be building a stronger bond because you are spending time in a more pleasant conversation than when you have argued in the past.

Don’t Tell Me What to Do!

We really, really don’t like to be told what to do. Imagine your partner telling you to change your wardrobe in some small way – changing the color of your nails or not wearing that belt again. Admit it, even though it’s a small request, your reaction is to resist it. Come to think of it, we learn to say no before we learn to say yes!

Resistance is even greater when we ask our partner to make larger changes or greater sacrifices. We simply do not like to be told what to do. So how can you ever get your partner to change for you? Try to remember back to a time when your partner made a change or sacrifice for you. What was different then?

I’m guessing that you recalled a time when you were each giving abundantly to each other. You trusted that your partner cared for you and it felt good to express that caring in return – even by making changes or sacrificing something you wanted. What has changed?

Requests for change no longer occur in the context of a caring relationship, they now sound like demands couched in disapproval. Love becomes conditional as demands feel cold – I’ll do this only if you do that. Chore lists are divided, bank accounts separated, and a chill of emotional separation covers discussions of change.

The only way to recover the spirit of openness to change that you once had is to recover the trust and caring that was once present in your relationship. Instead of thinking about how your partner could improve, think about a small effort you could make to express caring to your partner. Improve your listening skills, speak in a softer more vulnerable way, or reach out to softly touch your partner. Notice the effect that this small action has on your own feelings. Do you feel warmer or does this feel dangerous?

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, perhaps this is a sign of how disconnected you have become as a couple. Perhaps it is time to confront the disconnection and begin rebuilding the connection that was once there. It is unrealistic to think you can achieve this overnight, but you can begin today.