Why are romantic occasions as likely to create tension as an intimate evening? The answer lies in the differences in men’s and women’s path to connection. Both desire a connection, but their needs differ.
Men like to connect through touch and activity. Talking isn’t necessary. Think of how men befriend other men. They do something together and share information, avoiding feelings. Whereas women invite relationship through sharing views, feelings and desires…by talking about these.
When women suggest that men only want sex, they are only partly correct. Men enjoy a range of physical connection, but what bugs women is that a man can feel connected simply with touch and does not require verbal connection.
In contrast, a woman can be by the man’s side but still feel disconnected if there is no conversation. She needs an emotional connection and that can only be achieved through sharing her views, feelings and desires. If the man is to win her desire for physical intimacy, he must connect through emotional intimacy…he must listen to her.
Women are extremely sensitive to disconnection, whereas men are just as sensitive to women’s disapproval. Men want the woman to be delighted with him. When the woman feels disconnected she is likely to signal this through a complaint, which the man accepts as a message about his shortcomings rather than the woman’s effort to reconnect.
So, a good date does not have to be elaborate or expensive, but each partner must attempt to meet their mate’s expectations. Men must be good listeners, while women must realize that men can be quiet, yet still feel connected. Women can reach out for connection but this is better done through gentle touch with a vulnerable tone of voice rather than complaining.
Men must pay attention to the woman’s views and feelings. They must avoid interruptions or trying to change the woman’s views or feelings. The woman must be able to reward this with an expression of delight in the man’s attention. If tension does arise, be prepared to examine the source from each partner’s perspective. Even tensions can lead to a deeper intimacy if managed properly.
