When you have hurt your partner, it is important to be
responsive to his or her pain. Seems simple enough, but couples often get lost
as they respond to this situation. It is difficult to acknowledge you have hurt
someone you care for. Also, you want your partner to acknowledge that there
were multiple factors involved in your behavior…that you are not such a bad
person.
An example is when hurtful insults are hurled in the middle
of an argument. Later, your partner lets you know how hurtful those comments
were, but you don’t want to be painted as the bad guy (or gal), so you point
out how the comment was made in the context of an argument.
The problem is that your partner is asking you to be
responsive to their pain, but you are responding by defending your
responsibility for causing the pain. Now, you are the focus, instead of your
partner’s pain being the focus of discussion. It is far better to empathize
with your partner’s pain first, then discuss the context in which the pain
occurred.
Jenny: “You hurt my feelings when
you called me those names. I felt disrespected. I want you to respect me even
if we are having a disagreement.”
Paul: “I’m sorry I hurt your
feelings and lost my temper. I care about you and am sorry for speaking that
way. I really think we need to examine how we approach these differences about
finances.”
It important to note that Paul was able to first listen to
Jenny’s pain before he addressed their need to examine their approach to managing
finances. He didn’t automatically make her message to be about him. Instead, he
heard her message and was able to be responsive to her pain, before addressing
the relationship issue.
Action Step: Try to listen to your partner’s feelings
before you move to defend yourself. You will find that you are able to avoid
many of the arguments that are characterized by blaming and defending one’s
self.
