Rational Versus Irrational Jealousy

Is jealousy ever irrational? My sense is that most jealousy is a signal about your relationship with your partner. Granted there may not be a specific person that is endangering your connection, but your tension is an alarm signaling growing emotional and physical distance.

Even when you have solid reasons to be concerned about your partner’s relationship with another person, you can appear irrational by how you express your pain. Whether you are responding to an inner discomfort or you have observed inappropriate behaviors, you must choose how to express your pain.

Pain does not entitle you to lash out toward your partner. It is common to choose anger because you feel stronger, but lashing out will surely trigger a fight or flight response when you need understanding and comfort.

Jealousy typically triggers one to talk about your partner rather than yourself.

“You were flirting with that waitress.”

“Why did she text that message to you?”

“Do you have to go to lunch with him?”

When you talk about your partner, this also triggers a defensive response. The only way to avoid your partner becoming defensive is to describe your pain that has been triggered by your partner’s behavior.

“I feel pushed aside when you give attention to the waitress instead of to me. I want this to feel like a date and you are courting my attention.”

“I feel afraid when I read your texts that seem too familiar. I want to feel protected from other women who are seeking your attention.”

“I’m conflicted. I don’t want to interfere with your career but I am uncomfortable with your coworker always inviting you to lunch to discuss business.”

I hope that you won’t overanalyze these examples because my choice of words are not what’s important. Just note that in each case the difference is talking about the partner versus challenging the significant other to respond to pain.

Now I understand that your may still discount your feelings and become defensive, even if you share your pain. By taking the second route and by talking in a vulnerable tone of voice you are more likely to encourage your partner to protect your heart.

Five Ways to Get What You Want in Your Relationship: Act Like a Professional Negotiator

I was reading the Big Think blog post on How to Negotiate Like a Pro and recognized how the same five elements needed in a business negotiation also apply to negotiating what you want from your relationship.

1. Appreciation. Do you and your partner express appreciation for each other? OK you know that in some ways you are a pain to live with, but you want your partner to see the value you offer despite your limitations. Perhaps you know what your partner contributes to your life, but do you let your partner know of his or her value to you?
2. Autonomy. Do you try to impose your will on your partner or recognize that your partner must choose to offer you what you want? Early in the relationship you gave and received abundantly, but as the relationship went on you found that you received less. How did you interpret this? It is important to let your partner know what you want, but to ask your partner to care about your needs and wants. The tendency is to tell your partner what to do rather than what you want. We resist when we are told what to do.
3. Affiliation. It is important to maintain a focus on the emotional connection in your relationship. Are you making an effort to maintain a warm, caring relationship or has the relationship become cold? If you feel that you are just performing tasks with a roommate, then you have lost affiliation. Rather than asking for what you want, start a conversation about the lack of warmth you feel in the relationship.
4. Status. Do you and your partner share the ability to define your relationship? As you look at your relationship, does it reflect each of your desires or has one partner successfully negotiated for the relationship he or she desires over the wishes of the other? If so, this “win” will end up being a loss of intimacy in the relationship.
5. Role. Are you willing to examine your approach to negotiating? Do you the pursue change? Do you sulk to make an impression on your partner? Do you act as though you have little investment in the relationship? Successful negotiations require flexibility. If what you are doing is not working find a different approach. Perhaps you need to consult with a marriage counselor to improve your ability to get what you want from your relationship.

“I Deserve Better”: Managing Expectation in Marriage

You enter marriage with certain expectations. To be fair, these expectations were largely met when you were dating. When your expectations were not met, it seemed you only had to mention this for your partner to respond by telling you that he or she wanted to meet your expectations.

So what happened?

Now you feel deprived of the same treatment you received in the past. It is as though your relationship has become an elaborate bait and switch. Your expectations were set up only be disappointed after marriage. Aren't you entitled to expect the same treatment after marriage that your partner offered when you were dating?

When your expectations are not met, you approach your partner with your concerns but now your concerns are ignored. Now you’re feeling angry; you are only asking for what is right, the same as you once received without even having to ask! You feel you deserve better!

When you approach your partner with expectations based on being entitled, you are telling your partner that he or she should be doing something. Your partner’s reaction is likely to be resistance, either actively saying no or passively putting you off.

Either way, you will not get what you want by telling your partner that he or she is obliged to deliver what you want.

Read my post on Negotiating a Relationship and discover a more effective means for attracting change in your relationship.

Giver, Taker or Matcher

Who is getting the best deal in your relationship? Do you tend to give more than your partner? Do you allow your partner to give more, but you assume this is alright with your partner? Or, do you believe that while you give in different ways, you each demonstrate caring behaviors equally (OK roughly equally – it feels equal but you really have no need to tally up the score)?

Givers offer more emotional, physical and/or sexual connection than their partner. They take the lead in pursuing connection. Often they justify giving more as a sign that they love their partner and that giving is a path to attracting their partner’s love. Others believe that they have a nurturing personality; it’s just the way they are.

Takers are needy and require much emotional, physical and/or sexual reassurance of their partner’s love. Or a taker can simply approach relationships in a shallow manner and not consider their partner’s needs unless their partner shares his or her needs.

Matchers are sensitive to power struggles and are careful to give and take in proportion, but they are constantly auditing the relationship to make sure that it is even. Or matchers can be drawn to caring because they feel cared for.

The healthiest relationships give and take in proportion, but they share warmly, not through a cold assessment of what is shared.

Ask yourself, who is getting the best deal in my relationship? Do I feel nurtured or am I the one doing the bulk of the nurturing? What would I like to receive from my partner and how can I attract my partner to give me what I want?

Often an easy answer to this last question is to simply share your desires in a vulnerable tone of voice which challenges your partner to actively care for you.

My Partner is Considering Divorce and This Frightens Me

Hearing your partner question his or her commitment to your relationship can be overwhelmingly frightening.  When  frightened your animal instincts take over.  You can lash out in anger, want to run away, but ultimately your instinct is to reach out desperately for your partner’s commitment.

Fear can lead you to push for your partner's commitment in order to remove your fear.  This leads you to try to become a salesperson trying to sell your partner on the relationship. The sales pitch can include all the benefits of remaining in the relationship and if that fails, you heap guilt on your partner for even considering abandoning his/her commitment to the relationship.

Your partner responds to this coldly much as you would when a salesman tries to close the sale before you are ready to make a choice.  Your partner doesn't need a sales pitch which ultimately says what you want, instead he/she needs encouragement to make a good decision.

The decision looms large in each of your lives. It deserves to be given even greater consideration than you would in buying a car, yet many allow emotions to rush the decision simply to reduce the pain of indecision.

If you or your partner are struggling with a decision to continue or end your marriage/relationship, practice the following four characteristics of good decision making:

Principle 1: Good decisions take time.  Fear is painful.  It is natural to want to end the pain as soon as possible.  The temptation is to set deadline, yet we most regret decisions made too quickly or two emotionally.

Principle 2: Good decisions consider all the options.  Politicians are adept at presenting issues as two-sided.  Most issues have many sides that must be considered.  Pressing your partner to see his or her decision as one in which there is a right or wrong answer hinders good decision making.  Good decisions come from contemplation of which requires both partners to be patient - a commodity in short supply in our culture.

Principle 3: Good decisions are made independently.  Pressing your partner for a decision can lead to your partner holding you responsible for his or her decision.  Regardless of what your partner decides, you want him or her to accept responsibility for the decision.  You do not want your partner to make a halfhearted decision to recommit.

Principle 4: Good decisions weigh all of the potential costs and benefits.  Weighing costs and benefits requires the use of reason. Emotions can be the enemy of reason.  Your partner needs more of a listening ear than someone telling him or her what decision to make.

Principle 5: Decisions improve when the emotion is drained out of the process.  Feelings can pull your partner toward you, but these feelings must arise from within. Efforts to sell your partner on love diminishes you and creates further distance in the relationship.

To explore this issue further you can read this free ebook on managing a marital crisis and you can read chapter four in my book Crumbling Commitment: Managing a Marital Crisis.  There is a link on my website for information about purchasing this ebook.

Making the Most of Couples Therapy

Most couples do not prepare for meeting with me. Probably because they do not know what to expect. If they do prepare, they tend to consider what their complaints are about the relationship. This is fine, but here are some other things to consider before meeting with your therapist.

Think about what makes your relationship good.  If you are married, think about what you like about being married.  If you are in a committed relationship but unmarried, think about what you like about being in this relationship.

Now think about your goals for therapy.  If therapy is successful, what would you want your relationship to look like?  Perhaps you can recall a time when you felt more connected to your partner.  Perhaps you can imagine a better connection with your partner.  Imagine what that connection would look like.  How would your emotional, physical and sexual relationship be different?

Now consider how you could contribute to the relationship you desire.  What small steps could you take to encourage this change?  Next, think about what you desire from your partner.  How could you encourage your partner to change?  What would attract this motivation to change?

Now consider the barriers within you which would prevent change.  Have you allowed resentment to build?  Are you uncertain in your desire for a connection with your partner?  Are you simply afraid to risk reaching out to your partner for fear that he or she will not reciprocate?

Couples therapy works best when couples are able to reassure each other of their commitment to doing their part to improve their relationship.  How can you communicate this to your partner?  How can you express your desire for your partner's help?  It is important to express this desire for help in a vulnerable tone of voice.

By thinking through these questions, you will be prepared to begin rebuilding your relationship rather than simply distributing blame for your disconnection.

Marriage/Couples Counseling–The First Session

I’m often asked what to expect in the first session I have with a couple. While this is a time for me to understand each partner’s view of their difficulties, I also want to find out if each is committed (here is a link to what I mean by commitment) to their relationship. 

Couples typically share their pain and disappointment with how their relationship changed from mutual attraction and caring to coldness and detachment. Often they will offer examples of how ugly the relationship can be. It’s difficult to hear these stories which demonstrate how harmful conflict can be.

I can control the session from becoming a mutual blaming contest by having each partner offer their view of the relationship. I have each say what they experienced rather than what their partner did to them. I help couples to understand that they are describing symptoms of a flawed relationship not flawed partners. 

Emotional distance is normal when you are hurt or disappointed, yet for your relationship to survive, you must believe you can recover the connection you once enjoyed. One goal of the initial interview is to plant a seed of hope that relationships can improve.

I also use the first session to educate couples about how healthy relationships work. Everyone missed that course in school!  Couples’ suggestions for how their relationship could improve typically involve suggestions for their partner, which are countered by their partner’s suggestions for them.

Instead of allowing the blame game to proceed, I help couples to see how they once attracted their partner, but have created distance through conflict. When they first fell in love, each partner made a great effort to assure their lover that it was safe to care because he or she could be sure that caring would be returned.

Now conflict has created a relationship that does not feel safe. The goal must be to regain the safety you once knew. This begins by interacting differently.

I will may have couples practice talking to each other in a way that invites caring rather than each arguing for their point of view. This means speaking to each other in a vulnerable tone of voice while sending the message of what he or she needs from the relationship. It is very difficult to express a vulnerable message in the first session but can completely change the tone of the relationship.

I will end the session with a challenge. I ask couples to spend the rest of the week communicating their willingness to contribute to an improved relationship. I suggest they find small ways to communicate a willingness to change, even if their partner does not observe this change. This keeps the focus on each taking personal responsibility for the relationship rather than sitting back and waiting for their partner to change.

I hope this offers you a glimpse for what an initial session with me can be. Each session can vary from couple to couple, but in every case I want to focus on how the relationship can improve through an improved connection that requires a mutual commitment to change.