Sunday, February 28, 2010

Distancing From Your Partner to Gain Closeness


"It doesn't make sense. How can a separation help our marriage." "How will you know if I have changed if we are not together?" "If we separate we might as well file for divorce." Separation can be frightening and many objections must be addressed before a couple is sufficiently comfortable in making this change.

Couples typically choose a separation to help them reduce tension and improve their ability to determine whether their is hope that their marriage can be mutually satisfying. Many couples separate in a destructive manner. These couples choose to separate because they are angry and end the separation quickly, often in one day!

In my ebook, Marital Separation: Establishing a Cooperative Relationship With Your Partner During a Marital Crisis, I detail how a separation can be useful to the couple trying to determine whether or not to divorce.

Separation can reduce tension. Tension surrounds couples when one partner is pursuing the other's commitment to the marriage, yet the ambivalent partner is uncertain whether or not to remain married. By creating distance, the ambivalent partner feels a sense of relief from being pressured for a decision.

Separation also removes time pressure. A separation should give the couple sufficient time to examine how their relationship has fallen short and to develop specific changes for improvement. That is in the long run, but in the short run, a separation affords the couple the opportunity to cooperate. It is often a challenge to finances, parenting and determining how to approach family and friends.

I find that couples who separate in a controlled (rather than emotional) manner find that a decision forms naturally if they allow sufficient time. Either a connection forms as they work through the process of separation or increasing emotional distance leads to an emotional (and eventually a legal) divorce.


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1 comment:

Anonymous said...


My husband had an "Emotional Affair" two years ago. I found out that my husband was having this affair when "she" texted him. My husband said that it was nothing more than this , however some text and voice mails seemed to suggest otherwise. He and I had been working on our marriage though a program before I found out because I felt something was very wrong in our marriage. I think it was this that probably at the end of the day kept me from moving forward with divorce proceedings. We seemed to be headed in a better direction even though my husband did not seem to really care for the program. I didn't understand why because I had felt a closeness with him that I had not felt in a long time. I decided that maybe would could work this out. My husband and I have been together since high school and married at 23 years of age we had been married for 15 years at this point. We on a lavish vacation across seas,my husband felt that we needed a vacation and some revamping in our marriage. Long story short after all of the "Material things" other than my husband not cheating on me I still don't feel like he has taken responsibility, its like he thought all of these other things would fix us. I would think he was more serious in the way he felt about me if he went to the doctor about "ED", or if he changed the way that he deals with me in an arugement. My husband is not a horrible or mean man, however there are times when we disagree when he has called me names a "bitch" or just cussed at me over things so trivial. I tell him if he can't respect the way he talks to me that how can I trust him at all if he has such little respect for me in this area. It makes it very hard after two years to take him seriously? I in the past was pretty ugly to him with the way that I spoke with him but I do not talk to him in a way that is disrespectful at this point what's so ever. We can get irritated with one another at times just like anyone . I am not perfect, I told him I don't know what I do to make him think this is ok and it is very hard when you already feel so disrespected to heal old wounds. He will apoligise however nothing seems to change? Our sex life after 2 years still is suffering and he still won't go see a doctor? I don't get it? I contemplate divorce here and there and wonder why I am still in it? I am a stay at home mom so I think it's part that and wanting what I didn't have as a child, and then wanting so much more in my marriage. I feel like I have done everything I can yet he isn't putting in a lot of effort. I was the one cheated on yet feel like I am always the one trying to hang on? We do have some good times, however the lack of intamacy and the way he talks to me at times is seeming like a lot to live with. WE do have some things in common however we have a lot of things not in common. I feel like he is who he is , and I will never feel fulfilled by him. I feel like a lone ranger.