Monday, January 16, 2017

Changing Your Behavior Is Not Enough: Recovering From A Painful Episode


Jim hurt Nancy terribly.  He hated seeing the pain revealed both in her eyes and her tears.  Nancy’s trust had been destroyed.  Jim tried to reassure her that he would never do it again, but that they needed to move on.  She knew Jim generally kept his word, but she never imagined that he would hurt her in this way.

Jim continued to tell her that he would not hurt her like that again but that she needed her to stop being so emotional and to trust him.  He reminded her of the many times he had apologized and that he simply didn’t know what more to say.

Finding the Path to Trust
It is difficult to see your partner in pain. You just want the opportunity to demonstrate your ability to change. You know in your heart you will never make that mistake again. You just want the pain and the reminder of what you did to go away.  You wander if your partner will ever be able to trust yu again? Can you restore that trust?

Change is Not Enough
It is not enough to change your behavior and promise that the change is forever.  You must also connect with your partner through his or her pain.  Your partner must feel you empathize with the intense pain he or she has experienced.  To do this you must be willing to listen to your partner’s feelings.  

Listening means more than being passive; it means showing compassion in your response.
Consider it an opportunity to show compassion when your partner is in pain.  Show him or her that you understand how strongly the pain has affected his or her life.  

Also, you will need to show motivation to examine yourself.  This means looking deeply at your behavior that caused your partner’s pain. What were your vulnerabilities that lead to this downfall in your relationship? Take responsibility for your actions!

Pain Does Not Define the Relationship
Discussion of your partner’s pain should be limited.  Avoid allowing your partner’s pain to become the centerpiece of your relationship.  Instead, take time to enjoy the other aspects of the relationship, without avoiding time to discuss your partner’s pain. 

The goal is to seek forgiveness for inflicting pain. By asking for forgiveness, you are challenging your partner to care enough to take the risk to offer you his or her heart once again. Forgiveness will not come easily and the path is through your partner’s pain, not around it.

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