How Can I Get My Partner to Communicate?

I was recently asked by a woman the best way to get her husband to communicate. This is important since couples must communicate in order to meet each other's needs. Also, such sharing can lead to intimacy or closeness, which in turn increases caring. Caring is the only motivation we have for placing someone else's needs above our own.

This woman indicated she had pursued her husband's self-disclosure, but he was resistant. She wisely noted that she did not want him to see her as critical or nagging.

I think the best way to "bring out" a man is by being vulnerable with your feelings, saying, "I feel distant or I feel lonely even when you are close." If he says he doesn't care how you feel, then you've got a bigger problem than communication. If he cares, he will try to figure out how to repair the chasm between you.

Being vulnerable means that your tone is soft, without a hint of aggression. Being vulnerable also means that you are sharing your view and your feelings, not describing his failure to communicate.

Despite being vulnerable, some men will still respond defensively. It is important to respond, "I'm sorry you feel attacked, what is it I said that caused you to feel I was criticizing you?" After he sites the implied criticism, you can redirect him to your feelings. Keep the focus on your feelings and your desire for him to respond out of caring, not pressure to perform.

Stop Letting Others Control You Through Guilt

Allowing others to use guilt can result in your losing the ability to get what you want in relationships - it gives others power to define the relationship the way they want. Guilt can be expressed through:

1. "The Freeze" or "Silent Treatment"

Creating emotional tension to have one’s way in a relationship.

2. "Good Guy vs. Bad Guy"

The controller interprets his or her motives positively and suggests that you will go along or be labeled negatively.

3. “If You Love Me”

Some guilt inducers try to get their way by suggesting any denial of their desires indicates that you do not love or care about them.

4. “Everyone Is Doing It”

This effort suggests that popular opinion or expert’s advice sides with the individual’s desires. You are foolish if you do not agree with the majority opinion.

You must change your beliefs:

• Stop telling yourself that giving in is no big thing.
• Stop believing that what you want is bad or wrong.
• Stop believing that you don’t have a right to an opinion, or that your point of view is less legitimate than someone else’s.
• Stop trying to please the guilt manipulator.
• Stop giving away your power.
• Stop letting the guilt inducer dictate who you are and how you should feel.

Also change your response:
Let the person know that you understand their feelings and desires (Use listening skills.), but maintain your right to your desires.

Decide whether your desires are desirable and therefore open to compromise or whether they are something you do not want to do without, hence nonnegotiable. Stick to your guns - let your no mean no!