Why Are You Angry?

Image by Mr Malique via Flickr

Most couples to come to my office come with the expectation of having a forum to express their frustration and anger over their partner's behavior. They are initially surprised to find that I do not encourage them to argue during the session.

I find that anger does not help a partner get what they want in their relationship and I want to help couples get what they want. I realized that anger can motivate your partner to give you what you want but more often anger pushes your partner away.

Anger often hides more vulnerable emotions. Hurt and fear are often hidden beneath your anger. You feel stronger when you're angry, but this is a false strength. In fact, you are stronger when you are able to get what you want in a relationship.

The first step in managing anger is to identify your true feelings. When you feel angry, take a moment to reflect on your feelings. Try to get in touch with your underlying feelings. Do you feel defensive? Do you want to fight back or escape? Are you feeling attacked? Do you trust your partner? Do you believe that he or she will respond to your feelings?

By being more transparent with your underlying feelings you will invite intimacy. Anger discourages intimacy. Set a goal to be less angry and more transparent with your underlying feelings.

Listen to Your Anger

Check out the
article by Mona Barbera, Ph.D Relationships: Tips to Help You Get through the Conflict in your Marriage.

The crux of her article is that anger is a signal, neither something to be ignored or impulsively acted on. She says:

"Get to know the good intentions of your anger or coldness.
This is the hardest step and the easiest step. It’s the hardest step because: Your anger or coldness can be fast and powerful. You have to catch it before it takes over. You have to take a chance and consider that your anger is more than it seems. At first it’s hard to imagine that your anger might have good intentions. You’ve been taught that anger or distance is bad. It doesn’t make sense until you try it. You have to be willing to take a chance and do an experiment. This step is easy once you try it!

Once you become curious about your own anger or coldness, you’ll understand that it is trying to protect you. You will see that your anger thinks you need protection, and maybe even thinks you are a small child. You might hear it say: “You’re just a child, you’re in danger, I have to protect you, this is too dangerous.”

Remember the key is: Don’t try to get rid of your anger. Once you do this step, you will be able to say to yourself: I get the good thing my anger is trying to do now. I see how my anger is a friend in strange clothing. I appreciate how my anger is trying to help and protect me. I understand how my anger sees me as the child I used to be, not the adult I am now – it is living in the past, and remembering when I was small and vulnerable."

I agree that anger can feel strong and protective, however it is actually a weak way of expressing yourself. Confront your "child" and determine whether it is really too dangerous or are you responding to messages from the past that made being vulnerable dangerous. Even if you are accurate, anger does not make the situation less dangerous. Stating your fears openly is far more effective in diffusing anger in a relationship.

Anger or Intimacy in Marriage

Sally had gone through the same scenario many times. Bill would say he was going to play golf or go hunting on Saturday, and Sally would feel hurt that he did not want to spend time with her. But her response would be to simply say, "Fine," then go off in a huff of anger.

Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. recently wrote a piece that I enjoyed on anger (http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/if-anger-helps-you-feel-in-control-no-wonder-you-cant-control-your-an#new). Here is my reaction to this blog in which he describes why we get angry instead of being vulnerable with our feelings.

Dr. Seltzer writes, "Yet feeling too detached from our partner can also revivify old attachment wounds and fears, so at times the dance changes and the distancer becomes the pursuer. The main point here is that anger, however unconsciously, can be employed in a variety of ways to regulate vulnerability in committed relationships." This is accurate, but I would say that the partner may be controlling tension in both situations - being angry or pursuing afterwards.

If you are angry you don't have to be vulnerable. You also don't necessarily have to be vulnerable when pursuing your partner. You can pursue through flowers, sex, a night on the town, etc. In working with couples, I teach partners to communicate their vulnerable feelings instead of "covering" them up with anger.

Intimacy requires the ability to be vulnerable in the context of your pain. You must be able to tell your partner that you are hurting. Many find it much easier to express anger or frustration than to admit pain. Simply expressing vulnerable feelings is extremely uncomfortable for many folks. They feel more powerful expressing anger. I teach that they are better able to get what they want if they can learn to express their feelings in a vulnerable tone.

The problem with anger is that it inhibits intimacy in relationships and makes negotiating the relationship colder. Intimacy builds when you can let your partner know what you need and your partner recognizes your feelings and needs. If you have a caring partner, he or she will warm to your needs and become less selfish in negotiating the relationship.

Sally decided to take a different approach, she said, "I understand that you enjoy golf and hunting, but I need to know that you also enjoy spending time with me. I don't want to keep you from those things you enjoy, but I need to know that you want to spend time with me." Bill responded, "You always bitch about my taking time for myself. I deserve some time with my friends; I'm not doing anything wrong." Instead of taking the "bait", Sally simply repeated her message in a soft tone of voice. Bill walked away.

The next weekend, Bill made it a point to spend time with Sally and she made it a point to show delight in their time spent together. She also noticed that on subsequent weekends Bill would talk to her about his plans and let her know that he was trying to balance his desires for sports and her.