What is the Canary in the Coal Mine for Marriage? Three Signals That Should Not Be Ignored!

A canary was taken into mines to provide a warning of danger to the miners – if the canary died the miners were also in danger. What are the signs that your marriage is in danger?

Divorce and the detachment that leads to divorce does not happen all at once. Instead, marriages die gradually. The typical couple will wait many years before seeking help. During this time, they ignore clear signals that their marriage is in trouble. Once they come for counseling, they have built so much resentment and so many barriers that reconnection becomes an extremely difficult task.

So let’s examine some common signals of a deteriorating relationship that should not be ignored.

Emotional Distancing: Emotional distancing often begins early in the marriage. When you began dating there was a mutual attraction and a desire to establish a future together. You were each motivated to show you cared and wanted a future together. After marriage, or perhaps even before, the concern about the future of the relationship fades with the belief that you will be together forever.

At the same time you believe that you have a partner for life, one or both of you find that the relationship is not living up to your expectations. This triggers tension that was not present in the past. The tension comes from one or both of you trying to change your partner.

It is common for a couple’s emotional disconnect to be traced back to earliest disagreements that left each partner feeling uncared for. The woman feels her partner distancing as a result of the tension while the man feels overwhelmed by the woman’s emotional plea for change. Both interpret the distance as a sign of their partner’s lack of caring.

Emotional distance crumbles the security of the relationship. When your partner is no longer viewed as caring, then he or she becomes a potential source of pain, which leads to physical distancing.

Physical Distancing: How many pictures have you seen of animals of all species cuddling? We are attracted to these pictures because they reflect a need for touch that we share with all of the animal world. When your relationship becomes physically distant, then you are going without a basic need.

A smile, a gentle touch and time spent holding one another provides comfort and caring. Men are often more comfortable expressing their love through physical expression rather than emotions. Without physical connection, couples describe their relationship as being like roommates or siblings.

Sexual Distancing: Too often couples think of their sexual relationship only in terms of intercourse. Yet when you think back to first exploring sex, you’ll recall how even holding hands was a sensual pleasure. Couples need to experience sensual as well as sexual pleasure.

Many couples continue having regular intercourse but find that it becomes routine and fails to help them connect. This is because they have lost the pleasure of sensual seduction. Sensual seduction ignites passion through stimulating a variety of senses – touch, smell, hearing before trying to stimulate the sexual organs.

Passion can have a healing effect. Daily tension can drain away and in its place comes a feeling of closeness and well-being.

Creating Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

Marriages need protection! Marriages have enemies that will undermine the fragile connection between husband and wife. You protect your home from unwanted intruders. Do you protect your marriage from harm or do you ignore dangers until the damage has been done?

Most of your activities…even your friends can be divided into those who are friendly to your marriage, neutral, or unfriendly to your marriage. An activity or friendship can be good for you but not good for your marriage.

“I need to have time with my buddies.”

“I feel better when I spend time alone.”

“I need time to decompress by watching my TV shows.”

All activities that are good for you are not good for your marriage.

Take time to do this exercise: Make a list of the people with whom you spend the most time and the activities you do the most. Beside each person and activity place a plus sign, a zero or a negative sign for those activities that are marriage-friendly, neutral or unfriendly to your marriage.

For instance, a girlfriend that speaks poorly of her marriage and encourages “girl-time” versus couple activities may be considered marriage unfriendly. Golf could be neutral if your husband comes home energized and enthused to be with you or marriage unfriendly if he comes home and sleeps off the several beers he consumed during his outing.

Marriage friendly activities and friends are those which encourage you to maintain and improve your connection with your spouse.

After you complete this inventory, ask yourself whether you have allowed too many enemies of your marriage to enter your lifestyle. Or have you developed too few marriage-friendly activities and relationships? What activities could you add which would likely create a stronger bond in your relationship?

It is not always the big blows that bring down a marriage, often a marriage dies from “a thousand paper cuts.” How many couples wake up to find that one or both have lost their emotional, physical and sexual connection only because they have failed to nurture their marriage?

Perhaps your relationship needs more marriage-friendly activities or fewer marriage-unfriendly activities. Take time to discuss your inventory with your partner and ask him or her to also complete the exercise. You will probably find out that you disagree on what activities are friendly and unfriendly to your relationship.

Instead of arguing about this, listen to your partner’s complaints and take time to assess the cost to your marriage before you defend the activity or relationship. Make it clear to your partner that you want to protect your relationship!

Don’t Tell Me Who I Am!

We don’t like to be told who we are. Sometimes we define our partner aggressively – “You’re lazy.”, “You’re a bitch.”, or “You’re worthless.” Generally we are more subtle – “I don’t feel you love me”, “You’re not the man I married.”, or “You’d rather be with your girlfriends than me.” Regardless of how subtle or truthful the statement, we do not like to be told who we are.

Labeling your partner’s personality or character will inevitably trigger a protest, a counterattack and emotional distance. So why do we do it? Labels are a way of trying to get our partner to examine his or her behavior in the hope that insight will bring change.

So how can you give your partner feedback that is less likely to lead to defensiveness and more likely to motivate him or her to respond to your concerns?

First, talk about yourself, not your partner. If your partner does or says something hurtful, talk about your hurt instead of your partner’s behavior. Keep the focus on you. Challenge your partner to care about your views, feelings and desires instead of reacting to your judgment of him or her.

Instead of: “You’re mean.”

Say: “I’m feeling really hurt. Your words really hurt me.”

Instead of: “You don’t care about me.”

Say: “I feel really distant from you. I need to know that you care about me.”

Stop and ask yourself, “How can I restate my anger, frustration, hurt, or disappointment by telling my partner about my view, feelings and desires for our relationship?’

Second, try to get your partner to talk about him or herself. Counselors are adept at getting their clients to look at themselves by having them talk about themselves. If your partner is a workaholic have him or her talk about what their job means to them, what is the reward and how does he or she measure the cost?

Challenging a person to change their view brings on defenses, whereas most people like to talk about themselves. Even if your partner’s view seems way out of the norm, try to not react judgmentally. Instead, ask your partner to tell you more and you will often see how he or she will soften their position simply by talking about it.

At the same time, you will be building a stronger bond because you are spending time in a more pleasant conversation than when you have argued in the past.

Don’t Tell Me What to Do!

We really, really don’t like to be told what to do. Imagine your partner telling you to change your wardrobe in some small way – changing the color of your nails or not wearing that belt again. Admit it, even though it’s a small request, your reaction is to resist it. Come to think of it, we learn to say no before we learn to say yes!

Resistance is even greater when we ask our partner to make larger changes or greater sacrifices. We simply do not like to be told what to do. So how can you ever get your partner to change for you? Try to remember back to a time when your partner made a change or sacrifice for you. What was different then?

I’m guessing that you recalled a time when you were each giving abundantly to each other. You trusted that your partner cared for you and it felt good to express that caring in return – even by making changes or sacrificing something you wanted. What has changed?

Requests for change no longer occur in the context of a caring relationship, they now sound like demands couched in disapproval. Love becomes conditional as demands feel cold – I’ll do this only if you do that. Chore lists are divided, bank accounts separated, and a chill of emotional separation covers discussions of change.

The only way to recover the spirit of openness to change that you once had is to recover the trust and caring that was once present in your relationship. Instead of thinking about how your partner could improve, think about a small effort you could make to express caring to your partner. Improve your listening skills, speak in a softer more vulnerable way, or reach out to softly touch your partner. Notice the effect that this small action has on your own feelings. Do you feel warmer or does this feel dangerous?

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, perhaps this is a sign of how disconnected you have become as a couple. Perhaps it is time to confront the disconnection and begin rebuilding the connection that was once there. It is unrealistic to think you can achieve this overnight, but you can begin today.

Dating Your Wife or Husband

I’m amused when I ask couples if they date and they look at me and say, “You mean each other?”

Of course I mean do they date each other, but the term dating throws them. Dating seems like something single couples do.

Which leads me to the purpose of dating. Dating serves several purposes including:

• an opportunity for a mutually enjoyable time together
• an opportunity to make your partner feel special
• an opportunity to create passion
• an opportunity to connect as friends
• an opportunity to say, “I want to be with you today and tomorrow”

I could go on, but hopefully you get the point, that dating applies equally to married couples. Yet, when I interview couples who have lost connection, one thing I notice is their tendency to neglect their dating life. By neglect I mean that they either do not date at all or they fall into the rut of having the same date over and over – typically a movie or dinner (or both).

What Makes a Good Date?

A good date feels special. Women often complain that their husbands only go on a date if they make all of the arrangements. Then the husband goes along but his attitude shows no enthusiasm for the date. To make the date feel special, each partner must participate in planning and arranging for making the night (or weekend) special.

A good date takes into account each’s preferred activities. Some folks like to be active and others are looking for something restful. Some folks like to learn something while others want to be entertained through escaping the reality of everyday life. Some are outgoing and like to be with groups while others want time to spend just with their partner. Look for dates that speak to each of you or alternate activities to show sensitivity to each of your preferences.

Remember when you first started dating and how you actually thought about the impression you were making on each other. You wanted to make a good impression so that your partner would know that you were interested in him or her. A good date makes a good impression. Women show delight in the time spent together and men make an effort to treat the woman as someone who is interesting and valuable in his life.

Inevitably when I ask a woman what makes a good date, she will say she wants a time for connection, but the man tends to focus on what she wants to do. The woman needs emotional connection, which translates into her sharing her views, feelings and desires while her partner shows interest and demonstrates that her views, feelings and desires are important.

Men have a more difficult time sharing what they want from a date. Physical and sexual closeness often is a desire, but when prompted, most men will admit that they want their partner to show she is delighted with the time together. It might sound corny but men enjoy it when the woman is excited with the date.

I hope that this prompts you to think about how you can be a better date because dating is one important thing you can do to maintain your connection with your partner.

Does True Love Last?

If I questioned everyone who is marrying today whether they feel emotionally, physically and sexually connected they would say, “Sure.” If I went further and asked them if they expected to remain connected over the next thirty years, the vast majority would say, “Yes!”

These couples believe that their connection will last because they have found the love of their life, their soul mate, the person that God has sent them…their one true love. While the sentiment is sweet, the logic of this optimism is lacking.

The truth is that a couple marrying today is very, very unlikely to maintain an emotional, physical and sexual connection over the next thirty years. First, they have nearly a 50% chance of divorcing – a sure sign of disconnection.

But among those who would remain married for the long haul, many will stay married only for the sake of their children’s well-being, financial entrapment, religious commitment or simply because the marriage they have is less frightening than the prospect of becoming divorced—even as they are have lost their emotional, physical and sexual connection.

The evidence is overwhelming that the connection we have at marriage is extremely fragile, yet we treat it as though it is lasting. For instance, after couples get married, we know that their behavior changes, generally giving less to the relationship. Husbands and wives nurture the relationship less, spend less time “courting” and more time arguing about how their expectations are unmet in the marriage.

Love can last, but the key is not finding your “one true love.” The key to a long-lasting relationship is commitment. My initial blog post described elements of a commitment. Underlying this commitment is the understanding that our connection is fragile and we must make an effort every day to nurture that connection or join the majority who have lost theirs.

Three Reasons To and Not To Text Your Partner

Our phones have become an essential part of our lives. For many, texting is a preferred way of communicating, much like instant messaging and emailing replaced telephone calls for delivering a message.

Texting provides couples with an opportunity to connect much more frequently than when only phone calls were available. Texting is efficient and doesn’t  require each of you to be available at the same time. Here are three ideas for communicating through texting that can enhance your connection.

1. Just as leaving love notes around your home can be a pleasant surprise, texts can serve the same purpose. Leaving very brief messages of love can be a reminder that you are thinking about your spouse and that the relationship is a priority.
2. Texting can be useful for reassuring your partner of your whereabouts or when you will be home. This can show consideration and help planning for time together.
3. Texting can be a way of flirting. Just as a physical touch can trigger strong sexual responses, so can flirtatious texts trigger a similar response.

Unfortunately, many couples use texting when they should be talking to one another. Here are three examples of the misuse of texting.

1. Remember that texting cannot convey complicated emotions. Don’t try to express your feelings through texting because you will fail to deliver the complete message. Research tells us that the nonverbal element is more important than the verbal component of the message and texts omit the nonverbal element completely! If you text your feelings, your partner will place his or her own sound to your words and your voice will be lost.
2. Don’t use texting to convey ideas, views or desires that cannot be expressed in a few sentences. Anyone who has written for electronic media will tell you that folks speed read and only grasp a small portion of your message. Can you tell me the three useful means for texting without looking back?…I didn’t think so…see my point.
3. Never have an argument through texting. Again, you will lose the essential nonverbal element that is conveyed through tone of voice, facial expression and posture. If your partner tries to initiate a disagreement or takes up an argument from the past, simply reschedule the discussions by texting, “Let’s talk about this at home tonight.” Be careful to reschedule the discussion and to follow through so that your partner doesn’t feel blown off.