Why Is This Relationship So Much Work

You recall a time when the relationship seemed so easy. You blended together. Conversations went on and on effortlessly. Your views, feelings and desires almost seemed in sync. Your bodies seemed to be magnets drawn together by a force operating within. Everything seemed so effortless.

Now that relationship seems a distant past, leaving behind a daily effort to create some connection in a swirl of tasks, activities and a myriad of electronic distractions. Why is it so hard to connect when you both feel love but not close.

The answer to this is that your relationship was a priority for each of you when you were pursuing each other's heart, but now you have competing priorities that have pushed the relationship aside. Once you have your partner's heart, you look to other things you want. You want many things!

You want to rest after work, you want time for your hobbies and interests, you want to connect with friends at the bar or on Facebook. Their are many things you want that you don't have. And you've got your partner, safe and secure...right?

You incorrectly assume that connection achieved is connection maintained. Emotional, physical and sexual connection is fragile, even in a long-term, committed relationship. If you and your partner don't nourish the relationship it will first lose vitality, then become a shell held together only through your commitment to remaining together.

Ask yourself if you have continued to make your relationship a priority. Do you carve out time and energy for the relationship or does the relationship only get what's left over. If so, plan to change this. Commit to connecting with your partner through talking, touching, playing and having sex. Oh yeah, those things you did when you fell in love.

Nudge Don't Nag

Governments have found that they can influence your health decisions by giving you subtle suggestions rather than threatening you with dire consequences for your bad behavior. However, each nudge that you are given will only provide a small amount of influence.

For the government this is huge because they are dealing with millions of people and small changes add up to big differences. Not so in your relationship. A small nudge to encourage change may have limited benefits but is still more effective than pushing for change. Why is this?

We dig our heals in when pushed. Admit it. You don’t like to be told what to do. You particularly don’t want your partner telling you what to do.

Pushing for the change you want triggers a counter-argument to not change. When you argue for change, then your partner will inevitably come up with an argument to counter yours. No one has won an argument, they just generate two sides to an issue.

Pushing for change appears self-serving, even selfish. After all, you are telling your partner what you want.  Even though you see the obvious benefits of change, he or she is unlikely to see this as a caring response on your part.

So what would a nudge look like in your relationship?

A nudge is indirect but makes an impression. You can influence your partner through your example, your reaction to his or her behavior and by rewarding change.

Your example can be a source of motivation. Your partner is more likely to quit smoking or lose weight if you also are abstaining from smoking or overeating. Think about self-improvement before thinking how your partner can change.

Your partner can be encouraged to change how he or she reacts if you take responsibility for your reactions in the relationship. This means that you are patient and kind, you are positive and refrain from becoming aggressive or angry in your reaction to your partner's behavior.

Change can be encouraged if your partner can see a clear reward for the change. Letting your partner know how you would enjoy the change is an example of nudging change.

A nudge is by definition weak. Unfortunately, we all want to find that tool that will fix our relationship problems. You imagine the aggressive approach will have the most impact, especially after your “softer” approach was ignored.

The problem is that a nudge is actually more powerful that a push; it is just limited in its power because change is difficult to bring about in another person. All of us resist change, but this is particularly true when change is requested by your partner. So, you must accept the limits of your power in the relationship and stick with your most powerful approach…a nudge, not a nag.

When You Cause Extreme Pain To Your Partner

You can easily recover from some painful episodes. Others cut so deeply that recovery is at best a long, slow process. When you have caused your partner pain that is deep and lasting, it is important to respond to the pain.

It’s difficult to face pain you have inflicted on someone you love and care for. The temptation is to avoid, distract or minimize your partner’s pain so that you don’t have to see the agony caused by your behavior. But face it you must.

The key is to avoid trying to take your partner’s pain away and instead to sit beside the pain. You must share the pain by being humble and compassionate.

Being humble. You must acknowledge your role in causing pain. A humble person knows their place in the relationship. In causing pain, you must accept your role and avoid defending yourself. Now is the time to defend the relationship, not yourself.

You must be patient! Your role is to be supportive as long as it takes – you do not get to say how long that is.

It is natural to try to put your behavior in some context that explains why you are not such a bad person even though you have hurt your partner. It is natural to want your partner to acknowledge his or her role in the painful episode, but now is the time to be humble and accept your role in your partner’s pain.

Being compassionate. It is not enough to acknowledge that you have caused pain, you must also show you understand the extent of the pain you have caused.

A compassionate person is a listener. A compassionate person empathizes. A compassionate person recognizes he or she cannot remove the pain but can be a source of support. A compassionate person does not judge the person in pain.

Pain can be expressed in many forms and pain diminishes at different rates. Initially, pain is expressed as anger because anger feels stronger, but as you listen for the pain you will see your partner become more vulnerable and willing to accept your compassionate soothing.

Pain can leave a lasting footprint in the brain but the intensity and frequency of the pain will diminish over time. But time alone will not heal the relationship unless you are willing to be humble and compassionate.

Six Ways to Fail in Couples Therapy

1. Don’t go. The surest way to fail in couples therapy is to simply not give it a try. Come up with criticism of the process without actually having tried it. Speak of therapy as though it is a spiritual path that you don’t believe in. Suggest it is a step that should have been taken years ago, but is now too late.
2. Make it about your partner, not your relationship. Instead of focusing on how you relate to each other, focus strictly on how your partner has been a disappointment to you. Make sure that your partner feels thoroughly criticized by the end of the first (and last) session. Suggest that the therapist is insensitive to your pain if he or she tries to direct you back to how you relate to each other.
3. Make it about you, not your relationship. Avoid any perspective other than your own. Your views, feelings and desires are all that count. Feel entitled to get all that you want without compromise. Believe that your pain entitles you to be the focus, not how you relate. Excuse your behavior based on your feelings. Suggest that the therapist lacks empathy if he or she directs you away from yourself to the relationship.
4. Quit if there isn’t immediate improvement. Quickly evaluate whether your relationship has changed. Focus on whether your partner is treating you better, while playing it safe by not contributing yourself to a better relationship. Be dramatic in expressing that the lack of improvement surely is a sign that the relationship cannot improve. Take every opportunity to express hopelessness.
5. Quit at the first sign of improvement. If you begin treating each other nicely, then take this as a sign that your relationship is solid and you don’t need therapy. Suggest that the issues that remain can be tackled without further visits to the therapist. Point out how easy it is to change and minimize the problems that led to seeking therapy in the first place.
6. Promise change, but don’t. Appear committed to change. Reassure your partner that his or her satisfaction is your goal. Tell your partner that you understand his or her pain. Explore how you have contributed to your relationship difficulties. Then, don’t change. Don’t allow goals to focus on specific things you and your partner can do to improve the relationship. Exchange platitudes but not improved behavior.

Following any of these guidelines will ensure that couples therapy will not lead to lasting change in your relationship. Problem interaction will not improve or will improve superficially and then the old patterns will return.

To be fair, changing in your relationship is difficult. It requires enough motivation, courage and trust to try to contribute to an improved relationship. It requires patience and enough maturity to realize you will not get everything you want. But the rewards are great if you can find a path toward lasting intimacy.

What If You Posted a Video of Your Argument?

Imagine for a moment that there is a website where you post videos of your argument so that others could view and comment on the video. What kind of feedback would you receive?

What would be the tone of the argument? By tone I am referring to the nonverbal elements of the argument. What would your tone of voice be? Would you sound angry, cool, defensive? What do you think others would say about your tone?

What posture would you have? By posture, I mean what would your body language look like? Would you appear attentive to one another? Would you look into each other’s faces? Or would you be grimacing or smirking at each other?

Would you and your partner take turns speaking or would you talk over one another? Imagine how difficult it would be to hear what you are saying if you are each talking at the same time!

Would you sound like a lawyer making your case? Would you be trying to make a point based on evidence or logic that you hope would win over your partner to your point of view?

Would your sound blaming? Do you think you would be sharing your views and feelings or would you be commenting on your partner’s behavior, attitude or character? Would the viewers understand you or only understand your view of your partner?

Would you appear to be listening to each other? Do you look like you are processing your partner’s statements or simply reloading your argument to make your case?

Would you share the floor or would one of you do most of the talking? Would there be a back and forth conversation? Would each of you spend time both listening and sharing?

These are just some of the questions to ask yourself. By imagining objective viewers, you can take a more objective view of how you interact when you have an argument. Try to avoid justifying how you behave and take responsibility for your part in what the viewers would see on that video.

Coping With the Death of the Marriage You Wanted

You fantasized about how marriage would be. These fantasies may have begun many years before you married, but certainly accompanied the decision to marry. Just as you would picture yourself in a new job, you can picture yourself as a partner in marriage.

The image you have of your upcoming marriage is based on the experience you’ve had dating your partner. You have each connected in a special way. You have attracted your partner emotionally, physically and sexually. You imagine this connection continuing to build throughout the marriage. Your partner expresses delight in having you in his/her life and you like being so pleasing.

Unfortunately, dating behavior does not predict your marriage relationship. Dating is a process of assessing whether you are attracted and attractive to your partner. It’s an effort to attract your partner’s heart by giving him/her the message that you are safe. Marriage has a different agenda.

After you are married the negotiation begins to determine how much you must give to keep your partner satisfied. While you want a satisfying marriage, you also want other activities in your life. You have a job, individual hobbies and interests, and perhaps you have children. Now you are balancing each of your priorities.

With this new reality comes the eventual death of the marriage you fantasized having. The death can be gradual but is often rapid. Many couples describe their relationship deteriorating almost immediately after they married even though they dated for several years.

Accepting this death is much like accepting the death of a loved one. At first you tend to deny that your relationship has changed. Then you begin to negotiate with your partner for what you are no longer experiencing in the relationship. When this is unsuccessful strong emotions arise. You become frustrated and angry. This may be displayed aggressively or passively, but you are mad!

Eventually, successful couples are able to reach a mutual acceptance. They accept their relationship will not fulfill their fantasy of marriage, but that it can be fulfilling nonetheless. To reach this point of acceptance you must not get stuck in denial, trying to change your partner or in anger.

Preparing For Relationship Counseling

Most couples come to relationship counseling armed with complaints but have done little to prepare for the session. Couples tend to approach couples therapy as they would surgery – they expect the therapist to do something to the relationship to heal their pain.

In fact, couples therapists can only point the way to self-help, much as a workout coach can only point you in the direction of how to make the most of your workouts.

Here are some questions to ask your self prior to going to a relationship counselor:

1. Are we each committed to taking this step? One partner may be able to profit from seeing a couples counselor but you will achieve much more with a mutual commitment to the change process.
2. Are we prepared to devote time toward making changes in our relationship? Personal change is difficult but relationship change is more difficult. It takes time to establish trust that you are each willing to make an effort toward an improved relationship. Changing patterns that have been in place for years does not happen overnight!
3. Can you identify potential stumbling blocks that will prevent you from continuing once you begin the counseling effort? Couples’ lives are filled with many things that can interfere with making regular appointments and following through with change efforts at home. If weeks or months from now you have not followed through, what is the likely reason?
4. What are your expectations for the first session? Do you expect the focus to be on you, your partner or the relationship? Relationship counseling focuses on how you relate to one another. Fault-finding and blame leads to defensiveness. Are you prepared to look at your contribution to relationship problems?
5. What outcome would you like to see? If your efforts would pay off, how would you like your relationship to be different? It may help to recall times when you saw your relationship as good.
6. What are the characteristics of a good therapist? Think about how you expect the therapist to run the session. Most couples therapists are more active and directive in the session than are individual therapists, which are typically portrayed in media. Can you adjust your expectations?
7. Are you coachable? Some athletes have difficulty taking direction from their coach. They don’t like being told what to do, even though it is in their best interest. Are you willing to accept feedback and to take direction for changing the way you interact with your partner?

Take time to consider each of these points before you plunge into couples therapy. Don’t treat couples therapy like you are taking your relationship to the emergency room for treatment. Instead, treat it as the beginning of a new, improved relationship that will pay off for years to come if you are each willing to make an effort.