The couple is basking in the afterglow of lovemaking. Both have felt sexually and emotionally fulfilled. They discuss how this was a pleasant experience.
Several days later the man feels sure that his partner will agree to have sex that evening. He wants to recreate the wonderful connection of just a few evenings before and approaches her with an offer for more lovemaking. However, he is surprised and hurt because she is not only unenthusiastic, but is absolutely unwilling.
He feels rejected and cannot understand why his partner would not want to repeat what was such an enjoyable encounter for both of them. He knows her pleasure was real – why would you not want more of a good thing?
A man sees the sexual relationship as a specific pleasurable experience which helps him escape from other tensions in his life, including tensions in his relationship with his wife. The better the sexual encounter, the better to shut out those tensions!
A woman sees sex in a different context. The sexual experience is a part of and an expression of the relationship. Good relationships create the grounds for good sex.
Women are more likely to connect their sexual desire to their experience in the relationship as a whole. A woman who has a great night of sex followed by a few frustrating, emotionally distant days with her partner is more likely to feel sexually distant despite the recent pleasant sexual experience.
Men can use sex as a way to connect despite tensions in the relationship, whereas women need to talk out the tension. Men use sex to let go of tension, whereas tension interferes with women’s sexual desire.
A man should not be surprised that his partner resists a sexual encounter if there has been tension in their relationship. But he can still pursue sex.
The proper pursuit of sex would be through discussing the issues leading to the tension, offering reassurance of his commitment to work through the problems and offering physical contact free of an effort to elicit sexual arousal.
If you are thinking that your partner would say, “That sounds like too much work for sex,” then you have a more serious relationship problem.
When a woman feels emotionally and physically secure, she is more likely to be receptive to sexual advances, regardless of how great the last sexual encounter was.