Marriage Compatibility

Many partners describe their dissatisfaction with the marriage by describing, "We are not compatible". What does this mean and is it something that can change?

Differences are inevitable between you and your partner. Chances are that you have different biological makeups, family backgrounds, experiences, and these lead to different viewpoints, desires, and reactions. Yet, you have managed to overcome these differences in the past. When you met, you brought all of these differences to the relationship, but you managed to transcend these differences and create a relationship that was mutually satisfying. So what is different now?

When the relationship began, you made an effort to communicate the importance of the relationship by giving your partner the message, "You are important to me and I want a future with you." Now what message are you sending your partner? Many find that they are sending the message, "How much of me must I give up in order to be with you?"

As the relationship becomes more secure, a funny thing happens - you begin to negotiate for what you have to do to maintain the relationship. It is common for couples to almost entirely quit giving a message that the relationship is important and that they want a future. Perhaps the message is only given as part of your anniversary.

Instead, each partner bargains for his or her own selfish desires. The golfer bargains for as much time as possible to play golf. The spender bargains for as much money as possible. The list can become long and the negotiations quite heated and complicated.

Take a look at your relationship. Are you and your partner sending a message that the relationship is important and you want a future with your partner? Couples that consistently share this message find that their personal desires become more flexible. The pleasure of the relationship competes with selfish pleasures (note: selfish pleasures are not wrong and should be present to some degree) and compromise is based on mutual caring.

How do you Compromise in your Marriage?

Image by Robert in Toronto via Flickr

Everyone agrees that compromise is essential to a successful marriage. The essence of marriage is the ability to achieve closeness through blending two lives. Compromising your desires is essential if you are to be close.

Cold compromise is a form of compromise that many couples use which does not promote intimacy, but actually leads to emotional distance. Cold compromise is compromise that is given reluctantly or begrudgingly.

Here are five questions to ask about how you compromise with your partner:

1. Is compromise reached in your relationship through caring or is it a byproduct of a power struggle?
2. Do you find your arguments include concern for your feelings or are they simply a debate from two different viewpoints?
3. Is it easier for you to give in than to press for a compromise?
4. Are you able to get your partner to agree to your desires because he or she cares about you? Do you know that you have power because your partner cares?
5. Are you able to share your desires in a vulnerable manner or do you have to be angry to get your way?

If your relationship has compromise based on passive giving in or aggressive winning, then this compromise is a cold compromise (although the arguments can be heated). A warm compromise takes into account you and your spouse's feelings. Acknowleging the importance of feelings is the path to caring.

Recall when you were dating and you rarely argued because differences seemed so small. They were not actually small; they were just softened by the desire to express caring.