Making a Good First Impression at Home

I recall my father coming home from work each night with a frown on his face. Was he unhappy to be home? No, I believe that he was lost in thought as he parked his car in the carport. Yet, the frown made an impression on me. I chose to keep a distance until I learned that he was in a good mood.

Now picture yourself entering your home after work. What message do you send?  Do you greet your mate with a smile that communicates, “I’m glad to see you” or do you communicate another message?

When you meet someone new, you make an impression in the first minute. Knowing this, you make an effort to appear friendly by smiling, making eye contact and turning your body toward this stranger. Do you make the same effort upon greeting your mate? Your body language, your tone of voice and your focus can communicate that your partner is a valuable part of your life. Conversely, ignoring your partner and diving into the mail or the television can send the opposite message.

A smile and greeting can set the tone for the evening. Make an effort to communicate your partner’s value by greeting him or her with a smile and make an effort to connect emotionally and physically before moving on to other tasks.

Five Steps to Being a Better Listener

Do you feel distant from your partner. You've done all you know to do to show interest, yet he or she seems distant. The problem may be that you show interest but have not challenged your partner to a more intimate relationship. Do you pursue closeness through asking to be heard rather than listening to your partner. If you become a better listener, then you may find the deeper connection you desire.

Step One: Be an active listener. Listening can be a passive activity. One talks, the other listens. However, if you want a deeper connection you must be an active listener. An active listener clarifies the message they hear. "Are you saying...?" "Do you mean...?" You will find that your partner doesn't just say, "Yes, that what I mean." Rather, he or she will elaborate on his or her viewpoint, feelings, and desires.

Step Two: Listen with openness. If your mind is closed, then it is unlikely that you will be open to unexpected information. Being closed-minded says, "There is one way to see this and it is my way." This communicates that control is more important than connection. Being open suggests that you are interested in your partner's views even if they differ from yours. You are suggesting that you respect your partner's position even when you do not share that position.

Step Three: Be accepting. Turtles retreat into their shells when the environment is dangerous. Humans have an invisible shell that forms when a relationship feels dangerous. Even though we are imperfect human beings, we like to see ourselves as basically good and worthy of others' respect. We distance from those who disrespect our rights. A good listener communicates, "I respect your right to your views, feelings, and desires." When we differ I will maintain a respect for you at all times.

Step Four: Stop trying to be a caretaker or problem-solver. Listening is an active process but stops short of taking responsibility for others' well-being. Men are often interested in turning listening into problem-solving while women often listen with the goal of nurturing or care-taking. While motivated by good intent, they become a hindrance to finding a deeper connection. A good listener says, "I want to understand your struggle and to connect with you as deeply as possible, but you must assume responsibility for your own decisions and behavior.

Step Five: Be encouraging. While you shouldn't be in the role of caretaker or problem-solver, you can be a powerful source of encouragement. By helping your partner focus on his or her personal assets and abilities, you communicate your belief in his or her ability to manage their lives. By communicating a desire to be close and a genuine enthusiasm for your partner, you are saying, "I value you and I believe in your abilities. I just want you to know that I am here to support you."

Good listening does not always lead to a closer relationship. Some lack a basic trust in relationships. Efforts to become close with these individuals fail because they have been taught that closeness brings pain, not safety and security. Such individuals do not want to be distant and do not want to be close, so they do things to draw you in, then set up limits on how close they will allow you to come.

Marriage Compatibility

Many partners describe their dissatisfaction with the marriage by describing, "We are not compatible". What does this mean and is it something that can change?

Differences are inevitable between you and your partner. Chances are that you have different biological makeups, family backgrounds, experiences, and these lead to different viewpoints, desires, and reactions. Yet, you have managed to overcome these differences in the past. When you met, you brought all of these differences to the relationship, but you managed to transcend these differences and create a relationship that was mutually satisfying. So what is different now?

When the relationship began, you made an effort to communicate the importance of the relationship by giving your partner the message, "You are important to me and I want a future with you." Now what message are you sending your partner? Many find that they are sending the message, "How much of me must I give up in order to be with you?"

As the relationship becomes more secure, a funny thing happens - you begin to negotiate for what you have to do to maintain the relationship. It is common for couples to almost entirely quit giving a message that the relationship is important and that they want a future. Perhaps the message is only given as part of your anniversary.

Instead, each partner bargains for his or her own selfish desires. The golfer bargains for as much time as possible to play golf. The spender bargains for as much money as possible. The list can become long and the negotiations quite heated and complicated.

Take a look at your relationship. Are you and your partner sending a message that the relationship is important and you want a future with your partner? Couples that consistently share this message find that their personal desires become more flexible. The pleasure of the relationship competes with selfish pleasures (note: selfish pleasures are not wrong and should be present to some degree) and compromise is based on mutual caring.

Giving Yourself Permission to Divorce in Order to Choose to be Married

I'm sure you have heard someone say, "Divorce is not an option for me; divorce is not in my vocabulary." This expression can mean different things to different people. To someone in a satisfying marriage, this expression can mean that he/she is committed to their marriage and willing to tackle whatever roadblocks to intimacy that may arise.

But to someone in a marriage crisis the expression can represent entrapment, suggesting, "I made my bed and I must lie in it." The difficulty with this outlook during a marriage crisis is that one cannot choose to remain married unless one has a choice. Removing yours or your partner's choice can result in a marriage without intimacy or closeness. Such a choice can have lasting consequences.

It is far better to give yourself permission to divorce in order to give yourself permission to be married. A healthy marriage requires much effort, work that cannot be given reluctantly. Your partner's distancing may tempt you to manipulate the situation in order to avoid divorce. Friends and family may be willing accomplices in the manipulation because they do not want the marriage to dissolve.

Resist such desperate behavior. Trust that your partner must make a decision to commit to the relationship. Only a choice freely given will include motivation to draw close to you and willingness to trust giving one's heart away (once again).

Men's Strength Women's Desire

Image via WikipediaThis author suggests five attributes of a strong, desirable man. What do you think?

http://www.epaperflip.com/aglaia/viewer.aspx?docid=e3e2aa8d7a6d410bbafd0fb2d02f074d&page=40

Negotiating a Relationship

Remember when you were dating your partner and you let your partner know how much you valued the relationship and that you wanted a future together? Why does this so often change after marriage? After committing to marriage, you "have" your partner but you must still negotiate what type of marriage you are going to have. This does not mean a general discussion regarding your values. Rather, you must negotiate everything from where the cereal is stored, to how you parent your children.

What causes these negotiations to become harsh and filled with tension compared to how easy it was to compromise when you were dating? You can have control or you can have relationship, but you can't have both. A spouse that values getting their way more than relationship will be able to be more harsh in negotiating than a spouse that places a priority on building closeness. The control-minded partner will have more power to define the marriage but, in the long run, will establish a dissatisfying marriage that does not reflect each's desires.

Negotiations that place a priority on relationship are characterized by mutual understanding and caring. If you put energy into listening to your partner's views, feelings, and desires, then it will be much easier to compromise your own desires. "My way" you will give in to "our way."

Mission of this blog.

Many blogs set out to offer random thoughts about a variety of subjects. The mission of this blog is to offer information on relationships that can aid you in negotiating (I know this isn't a very romantic term) a mutually satisfying relationship. Also, I want to help you understand that relationships can survive periods when you or your partner becomes dissatisfied and uncertain of your commitment to the relationship.

This brings me to my initial offerring - what is a commitment to a relationship? Commitment is not measured in feelings. Rather, commitment is measured in willingness to work toward a mutually satisfying relationship. There is an argument to be made for many important elements of commitment, but I will highlight four. First is availability. Individual pursuits must be balanced with making your relationship a priority. Not only must you be physically present, but also emotionally available to your spouse. Men and women have different emotional needs at different times, but both need their mate to express emotions through words and actions.

The second element of commitment is a willingness to share yoursef. It is common to hold back important parts of yourself to others, but you feel closest to those whom you reveal the most. Your partner should know you best because you have been able to be open to him or her more than with anyone else. Think about those friends and family members to whom you have revealed your typically hidden self. Chances are that those relationships contained the third element of commitment, acceptance.

You feel accepted when your mate is able to understand your feelings, is able to "walk a mile in your moccasins" and resists judging you. Acceptance is not the same as agreeing with you, just that your partner makes the effort to understand you and values your right to your views, feelings and desires.

The final element is a shared responsibility for relationship problems. Couples typically come into my office with the hope that I will appreciate their suffering in their marriage and that I will convince their partner to change. This approach never leads to change, only a pattern of defensiveness. Couples must find mutual solutions to problems. The only solutions that work are ones in which each partner is able to see a role for themselves in bringing about change.

Take a moment to assess whether you offer these four elements to your partner and whether you, in turn, receive them. If not, take time to have discussions with your partner that focus on giving and receiving these elements. You will find that the relationship will become more enjoyable and that you will find each other more attractive.