Why Men Stop Cheating

Some estimate that over 60% of marriages include sexual infidelity. While this is certainly bad news, the good news is that most men and women only cheat once. An important question is why do men and women cheat, but another important question is why do they cheat just once?

I find that affairs often help both the offending partner and their spouse to gain greater appreciation for their marriage and lead both to value the relationship more. As the relationship gains value, regret for the affair increases which makes a repeated affair less likely.

If your partner has an affair, you want to know that it will not happen again. Unfortunately, there is no way your partner can do more than verbally assure you that it will not happen again. Instead of asking this question, answer these questions:

1. Does my partner demonstrate appreciation for the pain caused by the affair?
2. Does my partner try to understand the reason for the affair and make an effort to strengthen his or her future decision making?
3. Have we been able to emotionally connect in a way that suggests we can have a better connection than in the past?
4. Have we each identified ways to show our partner that he or she is valued?
5. Do I feel valued?

If you see these changes, then it is reasonable to believe that your marriage can become a stable, loving relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Giving Yourself Permission to Divorce in Order to Choose to be Married

I'm sure you have heard someone say, "Divorce is not an option for me; divorce is not in my vocabulary." This expression can mean different things to different people. To someone in a satisfying marriage, this expression can mean that he/she is committed to their marriage and willing to tackle whatever roadblocks to intimacy that may arise.

But to someone in a marriage crisis the expression can represent entrapment, suggesting, "I made my bed and I must lie in it." The difficulty with this outlook during a marriage crisis is that one cannot choose to remain married unless one has a choice. Removing yours or your partner's choice can result in a marriage without intimacy or closeness. Such a choice can have lasting consequences.

It is far better to give yourself permission to divorce in order to give yourself permission to be married. A healthy marriage requires much effort, work that cannot be given reluctantly. Your partner's distancing may tempt you to manipulate the situation in order to avoid divorce. Friends and family may be willing accomplices in the manipulation because they do not want the marriage to dissolve.

Resist such desperate behavior. Trust that your partner must make a decision to commit to the relationship. Only a choice freely given will include motivation to draw close to you and willingness to trust giving one's heart away (once again).

Magical Thinking During a Marital Crisis: Wake Up and Smell the Coffee

Remember "Step on a crack and break your mother's back."? This childhood game represented the magical thinking of a child. A child exaggerates their impact on the world, in this case his or her mother's health.

During a marital crisis, you can also be susceptible to magical thinking. In this case, the magical thinking is driven by a desperate desire to end the pain of the crisis in your relationship. You say if I do ______ , then I will restore my relationship with my spouse. Examples are:

• If I am unconditionally loving, he will draw close to me once again.


• If she sees what it is like to have to pay her own way, then she will end this separation.


• If I take every opportunity to show my love, then he will know that nobody will love him the way that I love him.


• If she realizes that I will fight her for custody of the children, then she will end her affair once and for all.

If your partner is ambivalent about his or her commitment to the marriage, it is highly unlikely that any effort on your part will end the ambivalence. Threats can actually create more motivation to survive apart from you. Efforts to show love without expecting to receive love in return can diminish you in your partner's eyes. You appear to be throwing yourself at your partner without regard to your self-worth.

Ann Landers, the popular advice columnist used the expression, "Wake up and smell the coffee." to suggest that the reader needed to come to grips with the reality of the situation. Magical thinking results from your struggle to accept how serious the crisis in your relationship is.

Be gentle with yourself, but accept that there is no easy, quick solution to a marriage crisis. Understand that the crisis is not an emergency and that time is necessary to encourage good decision making. Give yourself the gift of time so that you can more completely absorb the reality of the distance between you and your partner.

Why Men Cheat - Oprah Show

The Oprah Show featured an author discussing his findings on why men cheat. The most important finding is that men typically choose to cheat for emotional rather than sexual needs. They don't seek out a hot, younger woman, but rather "fall into" an emotional affair that becomes sexual.

The affair begins by meeting the man's need for admiration, someone who looks up to him and shows interest. They interviewed several men who had cheated and each admitted that the affair was not something they did out of strength but out of weakness. They felt that their relationship with their wife was not meeting their emotional needs.

From my experience, their weakness is passivity. If you have emotional needs that are unmet in the marriage, then you ought to be able to address this with your wife in a very forceful manner. She has to be aware of her husband's emotional needs in order to address the ways she is falling short. If the husband does confront the wife, it is important for her to focus on defending the relationship instead of defending herself.

It is OK to fall short in meeting your partner's needs, but it is not OK to not care if you fall short. Defending yourself communicates a lack of caring about your partner. The husband must be mature enough to know that he will not always get his needs met. Realistically, women have more things pulling on them for attention than ever before, so the husband must know that his wife does care but give her "permission" to fall short (just as he will fall short in meeting her needs).

The man who chooses to have an overlapping relationship will have his needs met at a terribly high price. He will place himself in a position to make a decision about his marriage and his lover simultaneously. This places him in a position to make emotional decisions that are often regretted.

Men must be strong enough to maintain a commitment to the marriage. Commitment does not mean that you remain married, but that you continue to confront the shortcomings of the marriage until you determine that the relationship cannot be satisfying. Failing to confront the shortcomings of the relationship through an overlapping relationship leads to emotional decision making and pain for many who are affected by your decisions.

Minimizing the Effects of Shock During a Marital Crisis

Learning that your marriage could end is overwhelming. When your body is seriously injured , it can go into shock in order to preserve your vital organs. Psychological shock serves a similar purpose. Your ability to process information becomes muted. You feel as though you are on automatic pilot; it is a struggle to do the basic tasks of life.

Psychological shock helps you to absorb reality slowly. Information seeps into your awareness instead of flooding you with more information than you can handle.

The following guidelines are to help you understand your response:

• Understand that your reaction is normal and not a sign of emotional disturbance.


• Avoid trying to make any important decisions while you are in this state.


• Reduce stimulation by "quieting" your environment. For instance, you may temporarily need time away from parenting responsiblities.


• Seek social support from family and friends. Do not seek this support from your partner.


• Focus on basic self-care activities like sleep, eating well, and simple activities. Reduce your expectations of yourself!


• Avoid telling yourself that your are depressed or suffering from a mental disturbance.


• Reassure yourself that your reaction is normal and you will recover your normal mood.


• Remind yourself that a marriage crisis is not an emergency. Let your partner know that you are not ready to make any important decisions at this time.

What is a Marriage Crisis?

A marriage crisis occurs when one or both partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain. A marriage crisis is different from marital problems, which confront two committed partners. With With one partner's commitment uncertain, the path to restoring the relationship is quite different than anything you'll find in most "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" type books. Responding as though your partner is still committed to the relationship can actually deepen the crisis, rather than alleviating it.

A crisis in a marriage is different from a marriage headed to divorce. A crisis in the relationship can be a point at which the marriage improves, depending on how the crisis is managed. Intense, overwhelming emotions are normal in a marriage crisis, but acting on these emotions can spell danger, often leading to decisions you'll later regret. Trying desperately to hold onto the marriage - or completely torching it in an impulsive "take that!" approach--via emotional outbursts, spending sprees or sexually destructive behavior, can lead to self-harm and harm to the marriage.

A marriage headed to divorce is motivated by hopelessness, the belief that the marriage cannot be satisfying. A marriage crisis is characterized by ambivalence, strongly competing emotions and desires. Ambivalence is different from confusion. Confusion can be resolved with additional information, but ambivalence is a tougher nut to crack. That's why the ambivalent spouse appears to be stuck on a fence, trying to decide on which side lies happiness and satisfaction. As one side starts to feel more attractive, there's a counterbalancing tug in the other direction as doubts dim what once was attractive. The fear of coming to regret whatever decision is made can be paralyzing. Stress builds as the fence becomes a more and more uncomfortable place to be, while a clear choice remains out of reach.