Showing posts with label marriage crisis. Show all posts

A Normal Marital Crisis???

When your partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain, it seems as though your world is in uproar. You can accept problems in the marriage because they can be addressed, but your partner's statement, "I'm not sure I want to be married" or "I'm not in love with you" is not as easily addressed.

In my first post (6/8/08!), I outlined the elements of a commitment in marriage. Feelings can change. Passion ebbs and flows. Anger explodes. Disappointment arises. But commitment is supposed to remain throughout. The loss of commitment seems to be a sign of a marriage in its death throes.

In fact, an uncertain commitment to marriage is not a symptom of the death of the relationship. However, it is a condition that can be likened to a body that is seriously injured in an accident. The body must be handled very carefully in order that it is not harmed in the process of getting it to the hospital. Similarly, a marital crisis is a situation that calls for delicate treatment.

In my ebook, Understanding Your Distancing Spouse (http://tinyurl.com/y4ugjva) I help you to understand that the partner who is uncertain about his or her commitment is going through a decision-making process - a process that can lead to a new, improved marriage as well as divorce. However, it is easy to respond to the crisis as though it is a personal rejection and a prelude to divorce.

If you see the crisis as rejection and a prelude to divorce, then you will naturally respond to protect yourself. If you see the crisis as a decision-making process, then you can choose to respond in a manner that facilitates good decision-making. You can also work to influence the decision by showing your partner that the relationship can be improved.

I regularly wonder how many marital crises become destructive divorces simply because the partners' misinterpreted the crisis as something that cannot be overcome and survived. I hope that other therapists that read this blog will educate the public to understand that a marriage crisis can be survived. I hope that when you or your friends' commitment becomes uncertain that you, family, and friends will respond in a manner that normalizes the situation and helps the partner use good decision-making skills.

What You Can Expect From Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling is a process in which two committed partners meet with a therapist to improve their relationship. Prior to entering marital therapy, consider how you would like your relationship to improve. Answer this question, "If marriage counseling were successful, how would your relationship be different than it is now?"

Look at your answer to this question and ask yourself, "Have I described a change in my relationship or changes I want from my partner?" Do not enter marriage counseling unless your focus is on changing your relationship. A good marriage counselor will not fall into the trap of doing two-for-one psychotherapy. The focus must stay on changing your interaction, not you or your spouse. Granted, changing the way you interact can have a profound effect on each of you, but this is not the focus of marriage counseling.

In the first session, you will be expected to describe how you view your relationship, as will your partner. Often partners use this time to defend themselves or attack their partner. This is counterproductive. Personalize your description of the relationship - tell what you see and what it feels like to be in your marriage.

Be prepared to listen. Marriage counseling is not the Judge Judy Show. Don't expect to present your case and have the counselor pronounce you guilty or innocent. Instead, listen to your partner's description of the relationship and open yourself to a different perspective. Tell yourself, "There is more than one view of our marriage and I need to understand my partner's perspective before I can expect him or her understand my perspective."

Expect your counselor to behave differently than the counselors you have seen on television and in films. In the media, counselors are almost always doing individual therapy and they focus on dramatic expression of feelings. In marriage counseling, feelings of anger, frustration and hurt can be detrimental to the process if delivered too early in the process. Marriage counseling is as much about how you share feelings as it is about what your feelings are. Learning to express feelings in a vulnerable way and learning how to listen to your partner's feelings are important tools of the marriage counseling process.

Marriage counseling is not a dual (or should I say duel) psychological evaluation. The marriage counselor is not trying to determine you and your partner's psychological health - or lack thereof. Instead, the counselor will try to determine each's commitment to working on improving the relationship and whether each is willing to accept personal responsibility for improving the marriage.

Marriage counseling identifies the barriers to a mutually satisfying relationship. Expect to come away with practical ways that you can be a better partner and trust that your partner will also be similarly challenged. Don't expect to see change happen immediately as each partner will offer small changes and wait to see if their partner is also willing to change.

Marriage counseling requires a mutual commitment. When one partner's commitment is uncertain, then counseling focuses on creating an environment for improving decision making before focusing on how the relationship can improve. I term this situation to be a marital crisis and have written a book, Crumbling Commitment: Managing a Marital Crisis for couples in crisis.

Five Myths About a Marital Crisis

A marital crisis occurs when one or both partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain. Here are five myths about a marriage crisis that may help you manage the crisis in your marriage.

Myth 1: A marital crisis is a sign that our marriage is over.

Questioning your commitment to your marriage is not a sign that a divorce is on the horizon. Rather, it is a time to determine whether there is hope for an improved relationship. The decision to divorce comes from hopelessness, the belief that the marriage will never be satisfying.

Myth 2: It is best to hold your feelings inside until you have made a clear decision whether or not to divorce.

Responding passively to a marital crisis is like not having a fire alarm go off when your home is on fire. By sharing your feelings, your partner has the opportunity to respond. His or her response can be the beginning of creating hope for a more satisfying relationship.

Myth 3: If your partner's commitment is uncertain, then you must let your partner know how much you love him or her.

It's natural to try to show your distancing partner how much you love him or her. However, this can backfire as your partner needs your patience, time and distance in the early stage of a marital crisis. The best way to show your love and commitment to the marriage is by appreciating your partner's position. Your partner needs an environment that facilitates good decision-making. Pressuring or manipulating your partner will not create an environment for making a good decision.

Myth 4: Talking about divorce will make the divorce more likely.

Discussing divorce as an option will not make the divorce more likely to happen. It is important to recognize that a good decision includes all options. By denying divorce as an option, you are saying, "You are trapped in this marriage". You want to choose to be married, not trapped in marriage.

Myth 5: Once I have thought about divorce, I'll never regain love for my partner.

There is a path back from a marital crisis to an improved marriage and love. But this path is not a "fake it till you make it" path. Rather, it requires both partner's commitment to change. For the rejected spouse, this path begins by appreciating that your partner is not currently committed to the change process, but can get there in time.

To learn more about managing a marital crisis read my free ebook, Managing a Marital Crisis at http://www.relationshipcrisis.com/Ebook_CC.pdf

Five Books to Help You Through a Marital Crisis

Here are five books that can help you sail through the rough seas of a marital crisis.

Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lee Raffel M.S.W.

Lee Raffel may not deliver on the answer to the question posed by the title of her book but she does offer a path toward this answer. The path is what she terms "a controlled separation." This is contrasted with an emotional separation by having clear goals and boundaries.

The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going? Dean Delis, Ph.D.

Dr. Delis' book gives fine detail to the dynamics of relationships when one partner cares more than the other. He teaches about how to protect yourself from your feelings.

Love Must Be Tough James Dobson, Ph.D.

Dr. Dobson's training is as a child psychologist but he makes it clear that he has had much practical experience dealing with marital crises. The strength of this book is in helping you to understand the importance of setting limits. You will learn how to set limits without being angry and aggressive.

When The One You Love Wants to Leave Donald Harvey Ph.D.

Dr. Harvey offers practical advice on how to manage the manipulations that arise during a marital crisis. This book also helps you to see the pitfalls of premature reconciliation.

Divorce Busting Michele Weiner-Davis

Skip Part One, then find very practical ways to alter your interaction with your partner while sending a message of personal worth.

Of course, I have to add a shameless plug for my book:

Crumbling Commitment: Managing a Marital Crisis Lee Horton, Ph.D.

I build on these authors' wisdome by laying out a clear path toward making sound decisions for your marriage and yourself.

Can Marriage Counseling Be Harmful?

A couple struggling for years in their marriage finally agree to enter marriage counseling. They go for a couple of sessions. The counseling helps them to express their displeasure with the relationship, but also brings them together to work on their relationship as they had not done in several years.

Because they were working together and the tension was reduced, they decided to quit counseling - after all, it was expensive and inconvenient. They really believed they had turned a corner on their relationship problems and would be able to continue improving on their own effort.

A year later, they find they have failed to improve their relationship. They discuss seeking marriage counseling, but agree that marriage counseling didn't work in the past. Perhaps their problems are hopeless. Perhaps divorce is the only answer.

Marriage counseling requires a commitment to working over a period of time on improving your relationship. The process does not just alter your feelings toward each other. If the process is successful you will have negotiated a more intimate relationship , but this takes time.

Remember when you were given a bottle of antibiotics and the instructions included the warning to take the whole bottle even if you are feeling better. I suspect that marriage counseling should come with a similar warning: Do not begin this process lightly; be prepared to see it through to the end.

Stop Defending Yourself and Start Defending Your Marriage

Image by publik15 via Flickr

When your partner accuses you of doing something wrong, it's natural to want to defend yourself, even if you know you are wrong. Why? You want to say that you are a good guy (or gal) and that you had a good reason for what you did. You want to say, "Even if I am wrong, I am a person of worth who does (mostly) good things. Do not condemn me."

The problem with this stance is that the focus is on the wrong issue. Typically your partner is trying to tell you that he or she has been hurt and that he or she feels distanced from you. By defending your self-worth you miss the opportunity to soothe your partner's pain and give a clear message that you want to be close.

I regularly encourage couples to defend the relationship, not themselves. Yet, when they focus on listening to their partner's viewpoint and feelings a funny thing happens - they find they are able to hook their partner's caring. When the discussion centers on caring, then condemnation fades away.

Why Men Stop Cheating

Some estimate that over 60% of marriages include sexual infidelity. While this is certainly bad news, the good news is that most men and women only cheat once. An important question is why do men and women cheat, but another important question is why do they cheat just once?

I find that affairs often help both the offending partner and their spouse to gain greater appreciation for their marriage and lead both to value the relationship more. As the relationship gains value, regret for the affair increases which makes a repeated affair less likely.

If your partner has an affair, you want to know that it will not happen again. Unfortunately, there is no way your partner can do more than verbally assure you that it will not happen again. Instead of asking this question, answer these questions:

Does my partner demonstrate appreciation for the pain caused by the affair?
Does my partner try to understand the reason for the affair and make an effort to strengthen his or her future decision making?
Have we been able to emotionally connect in a way that suggests we can have a better connection than in the past?
Have we each identified ways to show our partner that he or she is valued?
Do I feel valued?

If you see these changes, then it is reasonable to believe that your marriage can become a stable, loving relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Giving Yourself Permission to Divorce in Order to Choose to be Married

I'm sure you have heard someone say, "Divorce is not an option for me; divorce is not in my vocabulary." This expression can mean different things to different people. To someone in a satisfying marriage, this expression can mean that he/she is committed to their marriage and willing to tackle whatever roadblocks to intimacy that may arise.

But to someone in a marriage crisis the expression can represent entrapment, suggesting, "I made my bed and I must lie in it." The difficulty with this outlook during a marriage crisis is that one cannot choose to remain married unless one has a choice. Removing yours or your partner's choice can result in a marriage without intimacy or closeness. Such a choice can have lasting consequences.

It is far better to give yourself permission to divorce in order to give yourself permission to be married. A healthy marriage requires much effort, work that cannot be given reluctantly. Your partner's distancing may tempt you to manipulate the situation in order to avoid divorce. Friends and family may be willing accomplices in the manipulation because they do not want the marriage to dissolve.

Resist such desperate behavior. Trust that your partner must make a decision to commit to the relationship. Only a choice freely given will include motivation to draw close to you and willingness to trust giving one's heart away (once again).

Leaving A Toxic Relationship - What Do You Think

Image via Wikipedia

How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship

You've finally recognized your partner as an individual who needs to control and manipulate you. After time and many promises, you realize nothing has really changed, and you realize it isn't likely to. Recognizing you will never be the captain of your own ship until you take your life back can be difficult, but you can do it.
This article mostly assumes there are no children - parental rights must be maintained unless it is dangerous to the children. In that case, you will need professional law enforcement assistance and/or mental health help.

Steps

Don't beat yourself up or consider yourself foolish. In recognizing your partner as controlling and manipulative, you must also recognize this: Though they can at first be charming, controlling and manipulative people are the unfortunate product of a high, incisive intellect and low self esteem. They are intelligent, usually charismatic people who, at first blush, seem to be confident, charming and together. It's no wonder you found him or her attractive.
Get to the point and don't try to cushion the blow or beat around the bush. Your first instinct is to do it in person (not always advisable) and try to hurt your soon-to-be ex as little as possible, but this will only result in prolonging his/her agony - and yours. Come right out with your decision frankly, without hostility or cruelty. S/he will likely be stunned and/or shocked, and may question, attempt to bargain, cry, or become enraged - all are possible reactions. Be prepared for anything.
- Your leaving is often best explained in a note. Be clear about your decision, and then leave at once. Example: "I'm so sorry, but this is not working for me any more, so I'm ending our relationship here. I will always care about you and wish you well, but it's over." Do not say, "I Will Always Love You, XXOO Marty," or "I'll be at my mom's" or "If you need anything let me know." This can become the tiny bit of hope s/he needs to continue the obsession with winning you back.
- If you must do this face to face, be brief and as dispassionate as possible. (And it's wise to have your things packed and in your car already so that you just need to walk out.) Example: "I just wanted to say this in person. I'm leaving, our relationship has not worked out for me. I wish you well, but I can't continue this," then walk out. Don't look back, despite the fact that s/he is freaking out, shrieking that you can't go, hanging from your pant leg, throwing various objects at you, threatening suicide, and generally having a complete meltdown.
- The less personal you can bring yourself to be, the better. It seems cold when your inclination is not to want to hurt your former love, but the less emotional you are, the less you will escalate the pain. Believe it. Your ex wants to control you and everything you do, and the more s/he realizes that s/he is no longer able to control you, the more intense and hysterical s/he is likely to become. It's an effort to engage your feelings of guilt for hurting him/her, compassion for his or her pain, etc. S/he will want to get you to respond as any polite or compassionate person wants to, but once you show any sort of mercy or positive response to this, s/he knows his/her rant has worked, and leaving becomes more difficult for you.
Be decisive and don't fall for promises to change. Once you have identified your relationship as toxic to your individuality and future, you must take decisive steps. Wishy-washy, weak attempts to leave will be steamrolled, and you will be overrun by the will of your partner. Talking things over with your partner will not be likely to help: remember the crucial identifier - this is a controlling manipulator.As soon as you start making noises about being unhappy with controlling behaviors and preparing him or her for the fact you are thinking of ending the relationship, s/he will gladly give in to your desires - just long enough to keep you attached. Stringing you along with little bits of what you need or want makes you want to believe that s/he has heard you, understands your needs, and is willing to change. The problem is that s/he is probably not really capable of changing (as evidenced by no change, despite many so-called efforts, over and over again). As soon as you settle back into the relationship, s/he knows you're back on the hook and the bad behaviors resume. It's all just been a kind of ploy to keep you around, continuing a vicious cycle and allowing him or her to re-establish control.
Leave at once. Having made your decision, waste no time. Notice, this is something like the third time the exhortation to leave is made. That's because it's so hard to leave - particularly if you decided a face-to-face farewell was necessary. But you really must go. Please believe that your attempts to leave on good terms will most likely not pan out. The truth is, these efforts will only make it less likely that you will ever be able to have even the most casual of contact with your ex without it turning into a terrible, embarrassing scene. Your caring response instills hope that control can be re-established, and so feeds the obsession with getting you back. - so much so that your partner may abandon all dignity and beg, cry, bargain, scream, etc. If you leave before your ex has completely humiliated him/herself, it really will end better. No matter how hard it is, turn your back on this person, ignore the begging, sobbing, threatening and yelling, and put some steel in your back. Walk out the door. Shut it behind you.
Stay away. Don't accept phone calls, answer emails, IMs or text messages from him/her. Doing so will only create hope. It's likely to end in an unholy debacle, and things will be worse than ever - you won't just have an angry, upset ex, you'll likely end up with a shrieking harpy freaking out and screeching for your blood. Remember again: this is a controlling, manipulative person who will say anything to win, and that is all this contact will be about. Once you have broken away, stay away. Having dinner, "just to talk" or "for the kids' sake" will destroy your resolve, and will also give your controlling ex the power s/he seeks again. Cut it clean, and let it go.
Avoid mutual friends who are still in contact with your ex for some time after the breakup. The last thing you need is the passing, even inadvertently, of fuel into the fire in the weeks and months after the end of the affair. If you can't avoid contact with these friends, keep your remarks to them carefully neutral, and don't share details of the breakup, your feelings, or your insights on your ex with them - you can almost be assured these remarks will find their way back to your ex, and that will not be a good thing.
Remain detached. In order to reassert control, your ex will look for signs that you are receptive to crying, begging, threats of self-harm, etc. If you simply do not react, you will give no fuel to your ex's belief that s/he can win you back, and it will be truly over much sooner. S/he will cry, rage, rant, become hysterical if you allow him/her to. Being compassionate and trying to spare your ex further pain will only make it more difficult to break away. Every minute that you stay, talk, commiserate, apologize, or otherwise play along is a win for your ex, because s/he knows you feel helpless to leave him/her in such an awful state. Key word: helpless. Other key word: YOU. Generally think of your ex as a sleeping dragon. The more time s/he stays asleep (e.g., thinks about things other than you), the more likely s/he will stay asleep.

Tips

Not every controlling or manipulative person is dangerous, but some are. Most will respond to a show of strength - if you show up with friends or relatives to back you up, or if you refuse all contact, 9 times out of 10, this will be enough to make your point and put an end to things. If not, enlist help, either from police (a restraining order) or from a mental health specialist who may be able to help you identify whether your ex is a danger to you or others, or to him or herself, and will know the appropriate steps to take in that case.
Get your support network back. Go to the friends and family you will inevitably have been disconnected from by your controller, fall on your sword, and ask them to take you back. Without trash-talking (or letting others do it, either), you can say, "The bottom line is, you were right, the relationship was toxic, and once I realized it, I got out. I appreciate you taking the risk you did by sharing your misgivings about it with me."

Warnings

Controlling and manipulative people are often produced by external factors that you have no control over. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person, as much as you may care for him/her; the best help you can give him/her is to (A), refuse to be a victim, and (B), direct him/her to professional help.
Often, these people re-live significant events in their lives, re-writing along the way and changing the details to suit themselves. His/her recollection of conversations, impressions of you or others during the event, etc., are terribly skewed, and can make him/her even angrier the more time goes by. If your ex is at all prone to violent outbursts, exercise extreme caution at any chance meeting.
Don't assume that a mild, calm encounter with this person will end well for you; it may be weeks or months, but it's virtually guaranteed that you'll hear something horrible about yourself from a mutual acquaintance somewhere. Resist the urge to re-engage with your ex for the sake of "setting the record straight". Just let it go - the people who know you will figure out which of you is the more truthful, more by your responses and actions than anything else. Simply say, "That's just not true, but if it makes him/her feel better to say it... whatever." Just shrug and show them there's nothing you can do to stop your ex from saying such things, and then move on.
Watch for stalking or menacing behaviors, and if you notice anything, report them to the police immediately. This person is probably just difficult and not dangerous. But don't take any chances. If necessary, get a restraining or protective order and call the police each and every time it's violated; you will need the paper trail if the stalking escalates. S/he may try to destroy any action that indicates you moving on with your life, such as your career, a new relationship; s/he may deny access to your personal belongings or things that are important to you (which is why it's best to take them all and leave nothing behind when you go). S/he may even ask for a meeting to discuss re-paying you for credit card or other debt you incurred as a couple. This is a tool to maintain contact - DONT GIVE IN! It may be an expensive lesson, but it's actually better to just pay the debt off yourself rather than hook yourself into a payment arrangement that requires monthly contact to enforce.
If you live together and s/he will not leave, you have to be the one to move out. This can be very difficult, especially if you have been cut off from your support system (friends and family) and have nowhere to go. But don't ever go back, even if you have to leave everything behind to do it.

Related wikiHows

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Using Sex and God to Save Your Marriage

What one thing can you do to save your marriage when you fear losing your partner? This question reflects on your fear and the desperate desire to turn your distancing partner around. After you have recovered from the shock of hearing, “I’m not sure I love you anymore” you are likely to start to grasp for anything that will end the crisis.

Just as a family member may turn to God to bargain for sparing a dying loved one, you may turn to God to bargain for your marriage to survive. Or you may take matters into your own hand to bargain more directly for the survival of your marriage.

Vanessa describes her reaction to her husband’s distancing from the marriage, “I became so focused on saving my marriage that I could think of little else. Even my children took a back seat to the marriage. I sought out every avenue to let my husband know that I wanted to be married to him. I ignored my hurt and worked to be kind, I tried to start conversations and show interest in him, and I pursued sex like never before!”

Unfortunately, Vanessa’s efforts did not and will not work. This is because she is not protecting her self-worth in the relationship. She is saying, “I’ll give everything and I expect nothing in return.” This communicates that you want the relationship at all cost—not a message you want to deliver. You don’t want a relationship in which you are diminished and do not receive in proportion to what you give. You deserve a partner that values you and wants to give to you just as you want to give to him.

You can preserve your marriage and offer a message of self-worth. Turn to God for strength not for magic, you will need strength to weather this storm. You want to preserve yourself as well as your marriage.

Minimizing the Effects of Shock During a Marital Crisis

Learning that your marriage could end is overwhelming. When your body is seriously injured , it can go into shock in order to preserve your vital organs. Psychological shock serves a similar purpose. Your ability to process information becomes muted. You feel as though you are on automatic pilot; it is a struggle to do the basic tasks of life.

Psychological shock helps you to absorb reality slowly. Information seeps into your awareness instead of flooding you with more information than you can handle.

The following guidelines are to help you understand your response:

Understand that your reaction is normal and not a sign of emotional disturbance.

Avoid trying to make any important decisions while you are in this state.

Reduce stimulation by "quieting" your environment. For instance, you may temporarily need time away from parenting responsiblities.

Seek social support from family and friends. Do not seek this support from your partner.

Focus on basic self-care activities like sleep, eating well, and simple activities. Reduce your expectations of yourself!

Avoid telling yourself that your are depressed or suffering from a mental disturbance.

Reassure yourself that your reaction is normal and you will recover your normal mood.

Remind yourself that a marriage crisis is not an emergency. Let your partner know that you are not ready to make any important decisions at this time.

Marital Crisis versus marital problems: What is the Difference?

One couple explain to their marriage counselor that they are having difficulty connecting; they feel distant, like roomates. They each state their displeasure with their marriage. They have thought about divorce, but would like to work to restore the relationship they once both enjoyed.

Another couple has similar complaints. They agree that their relationship is mutually dissatisfying, that they have been distant - echoing that they feel more like roomates than an intimate couple. However, the husband is uncertain about his commitment to the marriage. He has spent much time thinking about divorce. He finds himself torn, divorce has the possibility of hope for a happier future, yet he fears the consequences, particularly for his children. Yet, the marriage feels like a never-ending sentence of unhappiness, with no possiblity of release.

These couples may have similar complaints about their marriage, but there is a crucial difference, only one couple has a mutual commitment to working to improve the marriage. Marriage counseling requires a mutual effort to build intimacy. If the therapist encourages the first couple to develop skills to reconnect, then the couple will likely work together and be successful.

However, the second couple will be unlikely to experience similar success when presented with the same treatment plan. The second husband is uncertain in his commitment and such effort to build intimacy will feel as though he is being pushed to do something he is uncertain he wants. A push to become closer to his wife will feel like someone pushing him off a high-dive diving board. Not only will he not want to jump off the board, his initial response will be to resist the push.

The uncertain husband's wife and therapist must give the husband time to decide to work on the marriage. The wife's willingness to cooperate in healthy decision making and her understanding her husband's painful position can actually attract him to recommit to the marriage. Pushing the husband for a commitment can have the opposite effect, particularly when emotions become hostile.

I term the first couple as experiencing marital problems, albeit serious, long-standing problems. The second couple are experiencing a marital crisis. The response necessary and the goals for each situation is different. The difference is crucial and can make a lifetime of difference.

What is a Marriage Crisis?

A marriage crisis occurs when one or both partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain. A marriage crisis is different from marital problems, which confront two committed partners. With With one partner's commitment uncertain, the path to restoring the relationship is quite different than anything you'll find in most "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" type books. Responding as though your partner is still committed to the relationship can actually deepen the crisis, rather than alleviating it.

A crisis in a marriage is different from a marriage headed to divorce. A crisis in the relationship can be a point at which the marriage improves, depending on how the crisis is managed. Intense, overwhelming emotions are normal in a marriage crisis, but acting on these emotions can spell danger, often leading to decisions you'll later regret. Trying desperately to hold onto the marriage - or completely torching it in an impulsive "take that!" approach--via emotional outbursts, spending sprees or sexually destructive behavior, can lead to self-harm and harm to the marriage.

A marriage headed to divorce is motivated by hopelessness, the belief that the marriage cannot be satisfying. A marriage crisis is characterized by ambivalence, strongly competing emotions and desires. Ambivalence is different from confusion. Confusion can be resolved with additional information, but ambivalence is a tougher nut to crack. That's why the ambivalent spouse appears to be stuck on a fence, trying to decide on which side lies happiness and satisfaction. As one side starts to feel more attractive, there's a counterbalancing tug in the other direction as doubts dim what once was attractive. The fear of coming to regret whatever decision is made can be paralyzing. Stress builds as the fence becomes a more and more uncomfortable place to be, while a clear choice remains out of reach.