Can Marriage Counseling Be Harmful?

A couple struggling for years in their marriage finally agree to enter marriage counseling. They go for a couple of sessions. The counseling helps them to express their displeasure with the relationship, but also brings them together to work on their relationship as they had not done in several years.

Because they were working together and the tension was reduced, they decided to quit counseling - after all, it was expensive and inconvenient. They really believed they had turned a corner on their relationship problems and would be able to continue improving on their own effort.

A year later, they find they have failed to improve their relationship. They discuss seeking marriage counseling, but agree that marriage counseling didn't work in the past. Perhaps their problems are hopeless. Perhaps divorce is the only answer.

Marriage counseling requires a commitment to working over a period of time on improving your relationship. The process does not just alter your feelings toward each other. If the process is successful you will have negotiated a more intimate relationship , but this takes time.

Remember when you were given a bottle of antibiotics and the instructions included the warning to take the whole bottle even if you are feeling better. I suspect that marriage counseling should come with a similar warning: Do not begin this process lightly; be prepared to see it through to the end.

Love or Commitment - Which is More Important?

As a marriage counselor, you would think that I would use the word love frequently in my work. “Do you love him? Is there still love in your heart? Can your love return?” I tend to avoid using this word. A recent blog post (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200803/loving-two-people-the-same-time) highlights why this is so. This blogger asked the question, can you love two people at the same time. Examples were given where the individuals having an affair found themselves feeling love for their lover and their spouse.

Love is a word that is associated with feelings. While you can have positive feelings toward more than one individual, it is difficult to be fully committed to more than one partner. The deception that is part and parcel of an affair undermines a commitment to a relationship. One cannot be fully committed to their partner while lying to their partner. Openness and honesty are important elements of a committed relationship. Betrayed spouses often express more hurt over the dishonesty than the sexual infidelity.

While love is an important feeling, there are many other factors that attract you to be close to your partner. Respect and admiration for your partner’s role in parenting, business, and the community contribute to your attraction to your mate. In fact, one’s commitment to the marriage continues when feelings of anger temporarily push aside loving feelings.

While it's interesting to speculate whether one can love two or more individuals at once, it is more important to focus on identifying the elements of commitment in marriage. That is why buy my initial blog posting focused on the core elements of commitment in marriage. Go back, read that posting (http://marriagemattersblog.blogspot.com/2008/06/mission-of-this-blog.html) and determine whether you could have such a commitment to more than one person at a time. I think that you will find that you cannot.

Defending Yourself or the Relationship

Image by Robert in Toronto via Flickr

One of the biggest barriers to communication is the need to defend one's self to one’s partner. It is important to feel accepted for who you are, but acceptance does not mean that your partner sees you as perfect. It is unrealistic to expect your partner to only see your good qualities and to ignore undesirable qualities.

Instead of defending yourselves, try listening to your partner’s feedback. Listening does not imply agreeing with your partner’s viewpoint, only attending to your partner's viewpoint and feelings. The best you can do by defending yourself is to say, "I'm a good fellow/gal." On the other hand, listening provides you with the opportunity of growing closer to your partner. You can defend yourself or your relationship. I'm sure you know a divorced couple who are each quick to defend themselves despite their marriage's failure.

After you have listened to your partner’s point of view, then he or she will be better able to listen to your point of view. You will determine that being right or wrong is not the issue. Instead, you will find you have different viewpoints that each need to be respected.

You may find this to be more difficult because every criticism feels like an attack on your personal worth. Ask yourself whether your sensitivity indicates low self-esteem. Low self-esteem suggests that you are responding to messages you received in the past, probably from your parents. Children who are frequently criticized can end up being defensive spouses who create distance from their partner by constantly defending themselves. Individual or couples therapy can help you to address these deeper issues.

Why Are You Angry?

Image by Mr Malique via Flickr

Most couples to come to my office come with the expectation of having a forum to express their frustration and anger over their partner's behavior. They are initially surprised to find that I do not encourage them to argue during the session.

I find that anger does not help a partner get what they want in their relationship and I want to help couples get what they want. I realized that anger can motivate your partner to give you what you want but more often anger pushes your partner away.

Anger often hides more vulnerable emotions. Hurt and fear are often hidden beneath your anger. You feel stronger when you're angry, but this is a false strength. In fact, you are stronger when you are able to get what you want in a relationship.

The first step in managing anger is to identify your true feelings. When you feel angry, take a moment to reflect on your feelings. Try to get in touch with your underlying feelings. Do you feel defensive? Do you want to fight back or escape? Are you feeling attacked? Do you trust your partner? Do you believe that he or she will respond to your feelings?

By being more transparent with your underlying feelings you will invite intimacy. Anger discourages intimacy. Set a goal to be less angry and more transparent with your underlying feelings.

Responding to Good News

A recent article in USA Today highlights the importance of responding positively to your partner's good news.

TYPES OF RESPONSES

In relationships that are the happiest, a partner reacts with excitement and esteem to his mate's positive news the "active-constructive" response. Three other types of responses are linked to less satisfying relationships and more likelihood of a split.

Here are the four responses to news of a promotion at work:

� Active-constructive: "That's great! You'll do very well, and I'm so proud of you."

� Passive-constructive: "That's good news."

� Active-destructive: "That sounds like a lot of responsibility. You will probably have to work even longer hours now."

� Passive-destructive: "Well, wait until you hear what happened to me today."

Source: Shelly Gable, psychologist at the University of California-Santa Barbara

Marriage and Alcohol Abuse

Alcohol is not necessarily an enemy of marriage. Many couples initially bond over drinks. Now the drinks don't establish the bond, the conversation that accompanies the drinks establishes the bond. Never-the-less, it is common for couples to view alcohol as an enjoyable part of their relationship.

Alcohol can also be an enemy of a relationship. Couples frequently share stories of arguments that become hurtful and even abusive. Interestingly, the couple share the story without acknowledging that alcohol was potentially influencing the outcome of the argument. I often have to ask the couple if they had been drinking before they consider this as a factor.

Notice that I am not talking about alcoholism. Just one or two drinks can influence how a couple interact. Alcohol can lead you to be more carefree and playful or more aggressive. Take a look at your relationship and how alcohol affects your interaction. You may find that a few drinks makes your relationship more enjoyable but more than that creates tension or aggression.

You may be interested in examining your use of alcohol. Drink Too Much? is a good site to help you evaluate whether you...well...drink too much.

Stop Defending Yourself and Start Defending Your Marriage

Image by publik15 via Flickr

When your partner accuses you of doing something wrong, it's natural to want to defend yourself, even if you know you are wrong. Why? You want to say that you are a good guy (or gal) and that you had a good reason for what you did. You want to say, "Even if I am wrong, I am a person of worth who does (mostly) good things. Do not condemn me."

The problem with this stance is that the focus is on the wrong issue. Typically your partner is trying to tell you that he or she has been hurt and that he or she feels distanced from you. By defending your self-worth you miss the opportunity to soothe your partner's pain and give a clear message that you want to be close.

I regularly encourage couples to defend the relationship, not themselves. Yet, when they focus on listening to their partner's viewpoint and feelings a funny thing happens - they find they are able to hook their partner's caring. When the discussion centers on caring, then condemnation fades away.