Get What You Want From Your Spouse

Scientists have discovered that we are wired for empathy. Our brains can observe another’s experience – imagine a bug crawling on someone’s arm – as though it is are own experience.

When you tell me you are grieving the loss of a loved one, my brain help’s me experience your loss even if I have not lost a loved one myself. I am able to imagine how it would feel to lose a loved one.

So what does this have to do with getting what you want from your partner? You can use the brain’s ability to empathize to your advantage in your relationship. But first you must examine how you approach your partner when you want something.

Let’s say that you want your partner to regularly wash the car. What approach would you take to get your partner to comply with your wish? Would you badger your partner, promise to reward him or her, or explode in anger after a period of waiting for the car to come home bright and shiny?

The best way to motivate your partner is to generate empathy for your desire for a clean car. Your challenge is to present your desire in a manner that asks for empathy.

One method would be to contrast your feelings when the car is dirty versus when it is clean, “I feel tense when the car is dirty. I feel that it projects the image that I am a slob; but when the car is clean, I feel confident and that I am projecting a positive image!”

You may be tempted to establish rules of conduct for your relationship – such as, call me if you are going to be more than 15 minutes late. The problem with such rules is that your partner will be tempted to argue about the rule rather than appreciating the feelings that generated the rule. It is better to suggest to your partner, “I know that I worry too much, but when you are late, my mind rushes to all of the awful things that could have led to your being late. If you just call or text me, then I’ll be able to worry less.”

By challenging your partner to empathize, you are also challenging him or her to actively care about you. By asking your partner to show caring for your views and feelings, you avoid debating whether your request is reasonable. You can even say, “I know this isn’t reasonable, but it is really important to me!” This allows your partner to determine whether you are worth caring for in this particular way.

You must realize that caring does not mean that you get everything you want. Empathy is a two-way street. Start today to sharpen your skills by listening for your partner’s views, feelings and desires. Show your partner that you are motivated to care for him or her.

I Wish I had Your Marriage

How many times have you observed another couple and thought, “I wish I had her (or his) marriage.” From what you observe, it appears that the couple have the type of relationship you imagined you would have with your partner. But now that seems out of reach.

Comparing your relationship to another’s is a sign of dissatisfaction in your relationship, but comparison shopping is only reinforces your dissatisfaction.  Much better is to ask yourself, “If my marriage were to be like their marriage, how would it be different?” Then ask, “What can I do to bring improvement to my relationship with my partner.”

Pain can cause you to search for an escape. In marriage, this escape comes in the belief that another partner would love you the way you deserve. Yet, those who remarry are more likely to divorce again than those who marry for the first time.

Make an effort to attract your partner’s willingness to join you in addressing your relationship, but how can you address this issue with your partner.

If you approach him or her with your dissatisfaction and urge him or her to change, I can practically guarantee you will receive a defensive response. Instead share your feelings and desires. Saying, “I feel distant from you and I want us to be close. How can we improve our relationship?” is more likely to get results because you are not blaming your partner and you are taking responsibility for your part in improving the relationship.

Marriage Counseling Drug Tested

Itsah Improbable, M.D. announced that he has successfully completed the first round of testing of a new drug that may help save marriages in the future.

Dr. Improbable noted that the drug should be taken by both partners but has also been tested by administering it to just one partner. “We are getting results with one partner taking the drug, but the results are more robust when each partner is administered the drug.”

When asked how the drug works, Dr. Improbable stated that the mechanism of action was unclear, but that the drug’s benefit was in increasing the partner’s patience. Results of studies to date have demonstrated through self-report and observation of couple’s interaction that couples taking this drug are statistically more likely to respond with patience than those given a placebo.

Follow-up studies have found that couples who remain on this drug for a year are less likely to divorce in a one-year follow-up study. “We attribute this to the couple being better able to address issues by being more accepting and less aggressive toward each other, but further research is necessary to more clearly understand why these marriages are surviving at a greater rate” explains Improbable.

Reaction to this research has been mixed. The business community has already been eagerly anticipating the initial stock offering from the parent company, Fantastic Science. Meanwhile, some psychologists question whether marital problems can actually be solved with a pill.

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Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is a time for, well, thankfulness. It is a time for reflection on those blessings we have in our lives. We probably need this holiday because our tendency is to be ungrateful and to take our blessings for granted. We are better at complaining than expressing gratitude.

One of the biggest complaints that men and women share is feeling taken for granted in their relationship. Often both parties in a marriage feel this way! “I don’t feel important to my partner. I don’t feel he/she values me.”

Expressing gratitude isn’t casually expressing love, having sex, going to the movies, or taking out the garbage. Gratitude includes all of these but also includes the message, “You make a difference in my life.”

Try this exercise. Find a time to sit quietly without distractions (I know this is more easily said than done). Sit for a couple minutes and allow a feeling of relaxation to come over you.

After you feel relaxed, let yourself fantasize the loss of your partner in your life. The important part of the exercise is to follow yourself through your day, your week, and the year without your partner. The more you can focus on specific scenes in which your partner is missing, the better this exercise will serve you.

Now notice your tension level. For folks in harmful relationships, the exercise can be a pleasant fantasy, but those in healthy, satisfying relationships will notice increased tension. This is a normal reaction to loss - even imagined loss.

Now you are prepared to let your partner know how he or she enriches your life. Don’t wait until your anniversary to deliver this message in a card. Tell your partner what he or she means in your life. Do it today!

Don’t Touch, I’m Sensitive

Do you consider yourself to be sensitive? Are you sensitive to others? Do you want others to be sensitive to you?

Those who are most sensitive  are often the ones who complain that their partner’s are insensitive. Why is this?

Well you can attribute this to your partner’s sex – all men are insensitive. Or you can suggest that your partner has the insensitive gene, “she just not a sensitive person.” In either case, you are saying that your partner is unable to be sensitive.

Yet, there is evidence that contradicts this. Think back to an earlier time in your marriage, even to an earlier time when you were dating. Were you attracted to an insensitive person or did your partner attract you with his or her sensitivity to your views, feelings, and desires? I’ll bet you committed to a person you thought to be sensitive and caring!

How did you attract your partners sensitivity and what has changed? Sensitive individuals hide their sensitivity behind a wall of cold indifference or anger after they have experienced intense pain in their relationship with their partner. It is as though they are protecting their soft spot from any further pain.

The result of this protective stance is emotional distance - the exact opposite from what you desire. Instead, the sensitive individual must learn to communicate pain so that their partner is challenged to respond in a caring manner. Hiding your pain behind a wall of indifference or anger will not address your needs.

“But what if my partner does not care if I have been hurt?” The basis of a healthy relationship is commitment built on caring for each other. If your partner does not care, then it is important to know this. However, avoiding this issue by hiding your feelings ensures emotional distancing. Being emotionally distant from a partner that does not care is appropriate, but you must ask yourself if you have asked for caring in an appropriate way.

The real challenge is to present your sensitive feelings in a manner that they can be understood. If you “package” sensitive feelings in anger, then your partner will respond to the anger, not the feelings. If your message is “packaged” in an attack, then your partner will respond defensively, not with caring.

Rehearse before you share your feelings. When you practice, ask yourself, “Does my tone of voice and my message both convey a desire for sensitive caring or am I being aggressive?” I think you will find it more difficult than you think to share your feelings in a vulnerable tone. We become accustomed to challenging our partner and our tone becomes demanding, angry, aggravated, etc. – all which push our partner away.

Let me know how it works.

Political Differences vs. Marital Differences

If you are like me, you tire listening to political arguments well before voting day arrives. What makes the arguments so tiring is how the opponents must strive to make the argument about taking sides.

We are actually wired to respond to such arguments. Before food became plentiful, it was important for groups to band together to cooperate in hunting food. The lone wolf would die from starvation. So today you can look around and see all types of groups in which you belong. These groups may form around social, religious, ethnic, racial or family identities.

When such identities are formed, they are then protected. Even as differences are small, they can create much heat in debating those differences. The differences become important because they mark the unique identity of the group.

Marital arguments can assume a similar me versus you stance. You argue to protect your unique views, feelings and desires. “How much of me do I have to give up to be with you?” Such differences can become so large that we label a reason to divorce as “irreconcilable differences”.

The basis of a strong bond in marriage must begin with the development of a strong “we”. This “we” is something that is part of each partner’s individual identity. He or she describes the relationship as important to his or her partner, family and friends.

Nurturing the “we” also requires special effort to foster mutually enjoyable time together, verbal and nonverbal messages of belonging, and celebration of the “we”.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I let my partner know how important are relationship is to my identity?
2. Do I offer messages that identify the important role my marriage plays in my identity?
3. Do you take time to nurture the relationship, both through setting up mutually enjoyable activities and by setting aside time to nurture understanding by sharing your views, feelings, and desires.
4. Do your children, extended family and friends hear you describe your relationship as something you value?
5. Do you celebrate the “we” once a year or several times a month?