Distancing From Your Partner to Gain Closeness

"It doesn't make sense. How can a separation help our marriage." "How will you know if I have changed if we are not together?" "If we separate we might as well file for divorce." Separation can be frightening and many objections must be addressed before a couple is sufficiently comfortable in making this change.

Couples typically choose a separation to help them reduce tension and improve their ability to determine whether their is hope that their marriage can be mutually satisfying. Many couples separate in a destructive manner. These couples choose to separate because they are angry and end the separation quickly, often in one day!

In my ebook, Marital Separation: Establishing a Cooperative Relationship With Your Partner During a Marital Crisis, I detail how a separation can be useful to the couple trying to determine whether or not to divorce.

Separation can reduce tension. Tension surrounds couples when one partner is pursuing the other's commitment to the marriage, yet the ambivalent partner is uncertain whether or not to remain married. By creating distance, the ambivalent partner feels a sense of relief from being pressured for a decision.

Separation also removes time pressure. A separation should give the couple sufficient time to examine how their relationship has fallen short and to develop specific changes for improvement. That is in the long run, but in the short run, a separation affords the couple the opportunity to cooperate. It is often a challenge to finances, parenting and determining how to approach family and friends.

I find that couples who separate in a controlled (rather than emotional) manner find that a decision forms naturally if they allow sufficient time. Either a connection forms as they work through the process of separation or increasing emotional distance leads to an emotional (and eventually a legal) divorce.

Regaining Respect Following a Marital Crisis

In my marriage counseling practice, I see many couples whose marriage is in crisis following a variety of hurtful behaviors such as having an affair, gambling away savings, or striking out in an abusive manner. In my e-book, Deciding What You Want, I give some guidelines for deciding whether or not to reconcile the relationship following a marital crisis.

This is a very personal and difficult decision; some couples find a pathway to forgiveness while others at best forge a cordial distance never to be truly reconnected, even if they remain married. I find that the path to forgiveness and a loving connection is likeliest when the offending behavior can be isolated as not reflecting the person’s character. It is most difficult when the offending behavior leads to a reevaluation of the person’s character, often expressed as, “He’s not the person I married,” “She’s not the person I thought she was,” or “I feel as though I have been married to someone I barely know.”

Can you love someone you don’t respect? We can certainly be attracted to and even marry someone with undesirable traits, but you would say his or her good qualities outweigh the bad. During a marital crisis, that balance can change and the very behaviors that once attracted you now lead you to reevaluate your partner’s character. Now you are not distancing from your partner’s hurtful behavior; you are distancing from a person you no longer value as a partner.

Can respect be regained after it has been lost? After you have decided that your partner is not someone you would choose again, can you regain respect for his or her character? Often I have observed that the offending partner sets out to “prove” they can offer their partner an improved relationship simply by reassuring their mate that the offending behavior will not happen again. This is ineffective because the issue is much larger than whether the offending behavior will be repeated.

Can you respect yourself? Respect from others begins with self-respect. Are you able to forgive yourself and feel that you are basically a good person deserving of other’s respect? Or do you feel you have to “sell” yourself by manipulating other’s impression of you. Respect is not something that changes quickly or easily. Are you patient as you wait for your partner’s assessment of you to gradually change or do you press for reassurance of your partner’s love?

The way you handle a marital crisis can become a more important measure of your character than the promises you offer to your mate. Your partner’s negative beliefs about your character lead to unfavorable predictions for how you will handle the crisis. It is important to be unpredictable. By this I mean that you must behave in a manner that does not support those negative beliefs.

If you have struggled with a loss of respect for your partner or have struggled to regain your partner’s respect, I hope you will share your experiences with me – either in comments or by email at horton@officememphis.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

What You Can Expect From Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling is a process in which two committed partners meet with a therapist to improve their relationship. Prior to entering marital therapy, consider how you would like your relationship to improve. Answer this question, "If marriage counseling were successful, how would your relationship be different than it is now?"

Look at your answer to this question and ask yourself, "Have I described a change in my relationship or changes I want from my partner?" Do not enter marriage counseling unless your focus is on changing your relationship. A good marriage counselor will not fall into the trap of doing two-for-one psychotherapy. The focus must stay on changing your interaction, not you or your spouse. Granted, changing the way you interact can have a profound effect on each of you, but this is not the focus of marriage counseling.

In the first session, you will be expected to describe how you view your relationship, as will your partner. Often partners use this time to defend themselves or attack their partner. This is counterproductive. Personalize your description of the relationship - tell what you see and what it feels like to be in your marriage.

Be prepared to listen. Marriage counseling is not the Judge Judy Show. Don't expect to present your case and have the counselor pronounce you guilty or innocent. Instead, listen to your partner's description of the relationship and open yourself to a different perspective. Tell yourself, "There is more than one view of our marriage and I need to understand my partner's perspective before I can expect him or her understand my perspective."

Expect your counselor to behave differently than the counselors you have seen on television and in films. In the media, counselors are almost always doing individual therapy and they focus on dramatic expression of feelings. In marriage counseling, feelings of anger, frustration and hurt can be detrimental to the process if delivered too early in the process. Marriage counseling is as much about how you share feelings as it is about what your feelings are. Learning to express feelings in a vulnerable way and learning how to listen to your partner's feelings are important tools of the marriage counseling process.

Marriage counseling is not a dual (or should I say duel) psychological evaluation. The marriage counselor is not trying to determine you and your partner's psychological health - or lack thereof. Instead, the counselor will try to determine each's commitment to working on improving the relationship and whether each is willing to accept personal responsibility for improving the marriage.

Marriage counseling identifies the barriers to a mutually satisfying relationship. Expect to come away with practical ways that you can be a better partner and trust that your partner will also be similarly challenged. Don't expect to see change happen immediately as each partner will offer small changes and wait to see if their partner is also willing to change.

Marriage counseling requires a mutual commitment. When one partner's commitment is uncertain, then counseling focuses on creating an environment for improving decision making before focusing on how the relationship can improve. I term this situation to be a marital crisis and have written a book, Crumbling Commitment: Managing a Marital Crisis for couples in crisis.

Five Myths About a Marital Crisis

A marital crisis occurs when one or both partner's commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain. Here are five myths about a marriage crisis that may help you manage the crisis in your marriage.

Myth 1: A marital crisis is a sign that our marriage is over.

Questioning your commitment to your marriage is not a sign that a divorce is on the horizon. Rather, it is a time to determine whether there is hope for an improved relationship. The decision to divorce comes from hopelessness, the belief that the marriage will never be satisfying.

Myth 2: It is best to hold your feelings inside until you have made a clear decision whether or not to divorce.

Responding passively to a marital crisis is like not having a fire alarm go off when your home is on fire. By sharing your feelings, your partner has the opportunity to respond. His or her response can be the beginning of creating hope for a more satisfying relationship.

Myth 3: If your partner's commitment is uncertain, then you must let your partner know how much you love him or her.

It's natural to try to show your distancing partner how much you love him or her. However, this can backfire as your partner needs your patience, time and distance in the early stage of a marital crisis. The best way to show your love and commitment to the marriage is by appreciating your partner's position. Your partner needs an environment that facilitates good decision-making. Pressuring or manipulating your partner will not create an environment for making a good decision.

Myth 4: Talking about divorce will make the divorce more likely.

Discussing divorce as an option will not make the divorce more likely to happen. It is important to recognize that a good decision includes all options. By denying divorce as an option, you are saying, "You are trapped in this marriage". You want to choose to be married, not trapped in marriage.

Myth 5: Once I have thought about divorce, I'll never regain love for my partner.

There is a path back from a marital crisis to an improved marriage and love. But this path is not a "fake it till you make it" path. Rather, it requires both partner's commitment to change. For the rejected spouse, this path begins by appreciating that your partner is not currently committed to the change process, but can get there in time.

To learn more about managing a marital crisis read my free ebook, Managing a Marital Crisis at http://www.relationshipcrisis.com/Ebook_CC.pdf

Five Books to Help You Through a Marital Crisis

Here are five books that can help you sail through the rough seas of a marital crisis.

Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lee Raffel M.S.W.

Lee Raffel may not deliver on the answer to the question posed by the title of her book but she does offer a path toward this answer. The path is what she terms "a controlled separation." This is contrasted with an emotional separation by having clear goals and boundaries.







The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going? Dean Delis, Ph.D.

Dr. Delis' book gives fine detail to the dynamics of relationships when one partner cares more than the other. He teaches about how to protect yourself from your feelings.





Love Must Be Tough James Dobson, Ph.D.

Dr. Dobson's training is as a child psychologist but he makes it clear that he has had much practical experience dealing with marital crises. The strength of this book is in helping you to understand the importance of setting limits. You will learn how to set limits without being angry and aggressive.






When The One You Love Wants to Leave Donald Harvey Ph.D.

Dr. Harvey offers practical advice on how to manage the manipulations that arise during a marital crisis. This book also helps you to see the pitfalls of premature reconciliation.







Divorce Busting Michele Weiner-Davis

Skip Part One, then find very practical ways to alter your interaction with your partner while sending a message of personal worth.







Of course, I have to add a shameless plug for my book:

Crumbling Commitment: Managing a Marital Crisis Lee Horton, Ph.D.

I build on these authors' wisdome by laying out a clear path toward making sound decisions for your marriage and yourself.

Five Steps to Being a Better Listener

Do you feel distant from your partner. You've done all you know to do to show interest, yet he or she seems distant. The problem may be that you show interest but have not challenged your partner to a more intimate relationship. Do you pursue closeness through asking to be heard rather than listening to your partner. If you become a better listener, then you may find the deeper connection you desire.

Step One: Be an active listener. Listening can be a passive activity. One talks, the other listens. However, if you want a deeper connection you must be an active listener. An active listener clarifies the message they hear. "Are you saying...?" "Do you mean...?" You will find that your partner doesn't just say, "Yes, that what I mean." Rather, he or she will elaborate on his or her viewpoint, feelings, and desires.

Step Two: Listen with openness. If your mind is closed, then it is unlikely that you will be open to unexpected information. Being closed-minded says, "There is one way to see this and it is my way." This communicates that control is more important than connection. Being open suggests that you are interested in your partner's views even if they differ from yours. You are suggesting that you respect your partner's position even when you do not share that position.

Step Three: Be accepting. Turtles retreat into their shells when the environment is dangerous. Humans have an invisible shell that forms when a relationship feels dangerous. Even though we are imperfect human beings, we like to see ourselves as basically good and worthy of others' respect. We distance from those who disrespect our rights. A good listener communicates, "I respect your right to your views, feelings, and desires." When we differ I will maintain a respect for you at all times.

Step Four: Stop trying to be a caretaker or problem-solver. Listening is an active process but stops short of taking responsibility for others' well-being. Men are often interested in turning listening into problem-solving while women often listen with the goal of nurturing or care-taking. While motivated by good intent, they become a hindrance to finding a deeper connection. A good listener says, "I want to understand your struggle and to connect with you as deeply as possible, but you must assume responsibility for your own decisions and behavior.

Step Five: Be encouraging. While you shouldn't be in the role of caretaker or problem-solver, you can be a powerful source of encouragement. By helping your partner focus on his or her personal assets and abilities, you communicate your belief in his or her ability to manage their lives. By communicating a desire to be close and a genuine enthusiasm for your partner, you are saying, "I value you and I believe in your abilities. I just want you to know that I am here to support you."

Good listening does not always lead to a closer relationship. Some lack a basic trust in relationships. Efforts to become close with these individuals fail because they have been taught that closeness brings pain, not safety and security. Such individuals do not want to be distant and do not want to be close, so they do things to draw you in, then set up limits on how close they will allow you to come.

Political Affairs: The Wife's Response

Image by an0nym0n0us via Flickr

Once again, this time right here in Tennessee, a state representative admits to having an affair. While it is difficult enough to know your partner has been unfaithful, it’s made more difficult when the general public knows your struggle. It must seem as though everyone is peering over your shoulder in judgment as they wait to see what decision you will make.

Women often say they feel foolish upon discovering their husband’s affair. They become self-conscious and imagine that the infidelity was known to everyone but them. It is not uncommon for the betrayed wife to feel others are laughing at her or holding her responsible for the infidelity. As a wife of a politician, the glare of media must make the self-examination even more painfully insecure.

It is important for the betrayed partner to find a position of self-worth that says, “I am a woman of value. My value is not based on my husband’s (mis) behavior, or others’ opinions of me. I am faced with a decision, whether to remain committed to the marriage or divorce. I cannot allow anything to interfere with my ability to make a good decision. I must avoid making a decision too quickly or too emotionally.

Reconciliation requires three elements. First, the betrayed partner must feel that your partner understands the depth of your pain. At the same time, she must accept responsibility for her expression of her pain. The betrayed partner must move from aggressive expression of pain to vulnerable sharing of pain.

Second, she needs her partner to examine the underlying reasons for his affair. It is not good enough to say that the behavior is wrong and won’t be repeated; the gravity of the poor choice calls for self-examination to explore the underlying influences that led to the hurtful behavior. The betrayed partner must be able to move from endless questions about the details of the affair to a more penetrating discussion of what the affair meant to their partner.

Finally, there needs to be a plan for a new, improved relationship. Without such change, a cloud of pain can hang over the marriage for years to come. Instead, the couple needs to be able to say that the crisis was painful but brought about an even stronger, healthier marriage than existed prior to the affair. This path of reconciliation takes months, even years to follow. Outsiders rarely show sensitivity to how difficult this path is (for instance, look at what is said about the Clinton’s marriage) yet as a society we encourage commitment to marriage.

Of course some hurts lead to an emotional detachment that becomes a divorce. One or both partners come to see the marriage as perpetually dissatisfying. The painful process of divorce also becomes a source of public scrutiny.