Is Your Marriage Counselor Competent?

Dr. William J. Doherty of the University of Minnesota recently presented a talk in which he described characteristics of what he described as an “incompetent couples therapist.” Here is his list with my comments.

Failing to actively structure sessions. The couples therapist must be able to control the direction of the conversation. Couples are prone to defend themselves while attacking their partner. The skilled therapist will guide couples to addressing relationship issues rather than allowing personal attacks.

Not moving beyond clarifying issues to specific ways couples can change. Couples need to be able to leave the therapist’s office with specific efforts that each partner can contribute toward making a emotional and physical connection during the next few days. Couples can expect change to be gradual but it must be observable. Each partner must see effort from their mate.

Failing to connect with both partners. Relationships are circular. The therapist must help couples to recognize that they each have a stake in each barrier between them and in each step toward improving their connection.

Failing to move quickly when commitment and divorce are on the table. Partners can respond quickly and destructively when they learn that their partner’s commitment has become uncertain. The therapist must intervene quickly to normalize the crisis and encourage good decision making. Therapists can further harm the marriage by attempting to manipulate the outcome (save the marriage) instead of helping the couple through a healthy decision-making process.

Giving up on the relationship when the therapist feels hopeless or lacks the ability to help. Momentary feelings on the part of the partners or the therapist are poor predictors of the outcome of couples counseling. I have learned that minor changes can bring unrealistically strong feelings of hope for the relationship and that being stuck can lead the couple to unrealistically conclude the relationship will never be satisfying. That is why I encourage couples to consider marriage counseling to be a three-month process before it can be assessed as a success or failure.

Does Good Sex Lead to More Sex? It Depends on Whether You Are a Man or a Woman.

The couple is basking in the afterglow of lovemaking. Both have felt sexually and emotionally fulfilled. They discuss how this was a pleasant experience.

Several days later the man feels sure that his partner will agree to have sex that evening. He wants to recreate the wonderful connection of just a few evenings before and approaches her with an offer for more lovemaking. However, he is surprised and hurt because she is not only unenthusiastic, but is absolutely unwilling.

He feels rejected and cannot understand why his partner would not want to repeat what was such an enjoyable encounter for both of them. He knows her pleasure was real – why would you not want more of a good thing?

A man sees the sexual relationship as a specific pleasurable experience which helps him escape from other tensions in his life, including tensions in his relationship with his wife. The better the sexual encounter, the better to shut out those tensions!

A woman sees sex in a different context. The sexual experience is a part of and an expression of the relationship. Good relationships create the grounds for good sex.

Women are more likely to connect their sexual desire to their experience in the relationship as a whole. A woman who has a great night of sex followed by a few frustrating, emotionally distant days with her partner is more likely to feel sexually distant despite the recent pleasant sexual experience.

Men can use sex as a way to connect despite tensions in the relationship, whereas women need to talk out the tension. Men use sex to let go of tension, whereas tension interferes with women’s sexual desire.

A man should not be surprised that his partner resists a sexual encounter if there has been tension in their relationship. But he can still pursue sex.

The proper pursuit of sex would be through discussing the issues leading to the tension, offering reassurance of his commitment to work through the problems and offering physical contact free of an effort to elicit sexual arousal.

If you are thinking that your partner would say, “That sounds like too much work for sex,” then you have a more serious relationship problem.

When a woman feels emotionally and physically secure, she is more likely to be receptive to sexual advances, regardless of how great the last sexual encounter was.

Commitment to Marriage Counseling

I enjoy Kim Leatherdale’s, LPC, ATR-BC, NCC  blog, Creating Rewarding Relationships

In a recent post she lists some of the signs of a lack of commitment to couples counseling. I think this is an excellent list and hope you will also check out her signs of commitment to couples therapy.

• Not doing your "homework" between sessions
• Only thinking about and processing the issues while you are in session
• Avoiding true participation in session and keeping everything "light"
• Trying to run the therapy yourself by determining what you "can" and "can't" talk about
• Being a sporadic visitor to counseling
• Hiding information from your counselor
• Undermining counseling by picking fights, minimizing what the counselor teaches, and bad behaviors
• Being a "yes man" - saying yes to what your counselor teaches and then not doing it
• Refusing to make behavioral changes
• Being disrespectful of the counseling directly or indirectly when not there
• Blaming (overtly or covertly) your partner for everything
• Not allowing your couples' counselor to speak to your individual therapist
• Dropping out of therapy without processing the end with your counselor

A lack of commitment can reflect one partner’s power being the deciding force in seeking therapy. Take time to agree on seeking therapy, even if this means delaying choosing a therapist.

Making a Good First Impression at Home

I recall my father coming home from work each night with a frown on his face. Was he unhappy to be home? No, I believe that he was lost in thought as he parked his car in the carport. Yet, the frown made an impression on me. I chose to keep a distance until I learned that he was in a good mood.

Now picture yourself entering your home after work. What message do you send?  Do you greet your mate with a smile that communicates, “I’m glad to see you” or do you communicate another message?

When you meet someone new, you make an impression in the first minute. Knowing this, you make an effort to appear friendly by smiling, making eye contact and turning your body toward this stranger. Do you make the same effort upon greeting your mate? Your body language, your tone of voice and your focus can communicate that your partner is a valuable part of your life. Conversely, ignoring your partner and diving into the mail or the television can send the opposite message.

A smile and greeting can set the tone for the evening. Make an effort to communicate your partner’s value by greeting him or her with a smile and make an effort to connect emotionally and physically before moving on to other tasks.

Get What You Want From Your Spouse

Scientists have discovered that we are wired for empathy. Our brains can observe another’s experience – imagine a bug crawling on someone’s arm – as though it is are own experience.

When you tell me you are grieving the loss of a loved one, my brain help’s me experience your loss even if I have not lost a loved one myself. I am able to imagine how it would feel to lose a loved one.

So what does this have to do with getting what you want from your partner? You can use the brain’s ability to empathize to your advantage in your relationship. But first you must examine how you approach your partner when you want something.

Let’s say that you want your partner to regularly wash the car. What approach would you take to get your partner to comply with your wish? Would you badger your partner, promise to reward him or her, or explode in anger after a period of waiting for the car to come home bright and shiny?

The best way to motivate your partner is to generate empathy for your desire for a clean car. Your challenge is to present your desire in a manner that asks for empathy.

One method would be to contrast your feelings when the car is dirty versus when it is clean, “I feel tense when the car is dirty. I feel that it projects the image that I am a slob; but when the car is clean, I feel confident and that I am projecting a positive image!”

You may be tempted to establish rules of conduct for your relationship – such as, call me if you are going to be more than 15 minutes late. The problem with such rules is that your partner will be tempted to argue about the rule rather than appreciating the feelings that generated the rule. It is better to suggest to your partner, “I know that I worry too much, but when you are late, my mind rushes to all of the awful things that could have led to your being late. If you just call or text me, then I’ll be able to worry less.”

By challenging your partner to empathize, you are also challenging him or her to actively care about you. By asking your partner to show caring for your views and feelings, you avoid debating whether your request is reasonable. You can even say, “I know this isn’t reasonable, but it is really important to me!” This allows your partner to determine whether you are worth caring for in this particular way.

You must realize that caring does not mean that you get everything you want. Empathy is a two-way street. Start today to sharpen your skills by listening for your partner’s views, feelings and desires. Show your partner that you are motivated to care for him or her.

I Wish I had Your Marriage

How many times have you observed another couple and thought, “I wish I had her (or his) marriage.” From what you observe, it appears that the couple have the type of relationship you imagined you would have with your partner. But now that seems out of reach.

Comparing your relationship to another’s is a sign of dissatisfaction in your relationship, but comparison shopping is only reinforces your dissatisfaction.  Much better is to ask yourself, “If my marriage were to be like their marriage, how would it be different?” Then ask, “What can I do to bring improvement to my relationship with my partner.”

Pain can cause you to search for an escape. In marriage, this escape comes in the belief that another partner would love you the way you deserve. Yet, those who remarry are more likely to divorce again than those who marry for the first time.

Make an effort to attract your partner’s willingness to join you in addressing your relationship, but how can you address this issue with your partner.

If you approach him or her with your dissatisfaction and urge him or her to change, I can practically guarantee you will receive a defensive response. Instead share your feelings and desires. Saying, “I feel distant from you and I want us to be close. How can we improve our relationship?” is more likely to get results because you are not blaming your partner and you are taking responsibility for your part in improving the relationship.

Marriage Counseling Drug Tested

Itsah Improbable, M.D. announced that he has successfully completed the first round of testing of a new drug that may help save marriages in the future.

Dr. Improbable noted that the drug should be taken by both partners but has also been tested by administering it to just one partner. “We are getting results with one partner taking the drug, but the results are more robust when each partner is administered the drug.”

When asked how the drug works, Dr. Improbable stated that the mechanism of action was unclear, but that the drug’s benefit was in increasing the partner’s patience. Results of studies to date have demonstrated through self-report and observation of couple’s interaction that couples taking this drug are statistically more likely to respond with patience than those given a placebo.

Follow-up studies have found that couples who remain on this drug for a year are less likely to divorce in a one-year follow-up study. “We attribute this to the couple being better able to address issues by being more accepting and less aggressive toward each other, but further research is necessary to more clearly understand why these marriages are surviving at a greater rate” explains Improbable.

Reaction to this research has been mixed. The business community has already been eagerly anticipating the initial stock offering from the parent company, Fantastic Science. Meanwhile, some psychologists question whether marital problems can actually be solved with a pill.